


The Only Thing You Let Hold You

by C31PO (SirenAlpha)



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2019-08-03 08:35:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 62,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16322861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SirenAlpha/pseuds/C31PO
Summary: Ryan never wanted a soulbond so he's not exactly thrilled when he works out he's bonded. More than that, he never wants to be someone who breaks a bond. Unfortunately, you can't be a good bondmate while hating being bonded.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was sick and miserable this past week so I pumped out this even though I have plenty of other things to work on. It's going to be a few chapters and probably longer than I'm already planning it to be. It's currently sitting at 12k. 
> 
> This is in the same universe as my cheesby fic [My Touch, It Magnifies](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7229785) but they're mostly just background info. They're not really related stories, just the same type of soulbond. So I used different lyrics from "Third Eye" by Florence and the Machine to title it.

Davo scores his first NHL goal in his third game, and Ryan is blindingly happy. He shouts and bangs his stick for Davo with the rest of the team and for a moment thinks this dumb Oilers curse might be lifted. He sits back down on the bench and then realizes he’s still elated. He doesn’t have time to really think about it, but he knows something is off.

They lose to the Dallas Stars, and things are back to normal. Except for the part where the disappointment seems extra crushing for no particular reason. It confirms his suspicion that he soul bonded to someone when Davo scored his first goal. Soul bonds require similar feelings at the same time in proximity in order to form. If they would feel the same about Davo scoring, they should feel the same at an Oilers’ loss. It takes a lot more compatibility than just that to soul bond though, and no one comes to Ryan’s mind. 

He goes through cool down and media and showering and getting dressed again like everything’s normal, but with a slowly building freakout. His new bondmate hasn’t seemed to have noticed that they had bonded. They are still disappointed and dwelling on the loss, and it hangs around Ryan like a fog.

“You good, Nuge?” Ebs asks him. 

“I’m fine, mostly,” he says then leans in so there’s less chance any overhears though media is already long gone. “I just bonded to someone, but I have no idea who.”

“Just now?” he asks. 

“No, during the game when Davo scored,” he says, and he wouldn’t be this honest with anyone else. Ebs is the only guy he knows bonded in their age range. He’ll know more than Ryan, but also remember getting bonded clearly since it’d happened only a year ago for him.

“Well,” he says then stops as he probably realizes what he was going to say isn’t useful. “And nobody’s sticking out to you? No one here you’ve been spending extra time with?”

He shakes his head. 

“I’m gonna say it’s not a fan,” Ebs says, crossing his arms. “The only players I know who ever bonded without interacting beforehand are Crosby and Giroux and they bonded to each other.”

“That’s not something I wanna follow in the footsteps of,” he says.

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s a Stars player if it happened during Davo’s goal. Unless one of them really likes Davo which is weird.”

“That leaves an Oiler,” Ryan says with a sigh. “I was afraid of that.”

“Watcha guys chit chatting about?” Hallsy asks, coming up to them and putting his arms around their shoulders. 

“Nugget here just got bonded,” Ebs explains.

“Whoa,” Hallsy says, pulling his arms back. “Aren’t you young for it?”

“Yeah,” Ryan says.

“Not necessarily for an athlete,” Ebs says. “You’re not unheard of young.”

“Okay, but who did you bond to?” Hallsy asks.

Ryan looks to Ebs, and Ebs gives him a shrug. Ryan answers, “We think it’s someone on the team, but we don’t know who.”

“Well, it’s not me,” he says holding up his hands. “Could you imagine?”

It’s enough to make Ryan smile as Ebs chuckles. “I’d rather not,” he jokes.

“Okay, but there’s still a good portion of the team unbonded,” Ebs says.

“Previously unbonded, maybe,” Hallsy says. “Schrodinger’s bondmate.”

Ebs laughs, and Ryan glares at them both. 

“At least they’re going to be coming back with us,” Hallsy says. “You won’t have to come back to fucking Dallas to find them.”

“Yeah because Edmonton is the place to find your bondmate,” Ryan says rolling his eyes.

Ebs jabs him in the shoulder. “Watch it. That’s where I got bonded.”

“Sorry,” he says though he’s not sorry at all.

“Anyways,” Ebs says, motioning for them to start heading for the bus. “You should be able to find your bondmate by following your bond.”

“And how do I do that?” he asks.

Ebs shrugs. “You kinda ignore everything else and focus on your bondmate. If you, like, search around in your mind you should be able to find it. It’ll feel like a string since you just got bonded.”

“Okay, sure, I’ll do whatever you just said.”

Ebs rolls his eyes. “It’ll make sense when you do it.”

Ryan has no patience so he immediately tries it on the bus. His bondmate is less upset about the loss than he was before and that’s about all he can tell. He closes his eyes and focuses on that. Somehow, he’s able to locate in his mind where his bondmate’s emotions are coming in. Once he’s found it he realizes a string is a good way to describe it. He supposes he could open his eyes and follow it, but that could take time, and they must be close to the airport by now. 

He focuses on where his bondmate is, behind him, then tugs on the bond and checks to see if anyone reacts. He looks behind his seat and no one is looking back at him. Confusion billows up from his bondmate. He checks the faces behind him and only sees one frowning in confusion.

Connor McDavid is in the back sitting with Drat, not listening to him speak, and rubbing his chest. 

Ryan quickly turns forward again. 

“Now what?” Hallsy asks, eying him suspiciously. 

Ryan shakes his head. “Nothing.”

He’s mistaken. It’s not possible. Connor McDavid is 18 and too young to bond even if he is an athlete. 

The Oilers are flying back overnight to get home as soon as possible, and Ryan has a horrible feeling he won’t be able to sleep at all. He ignores it as he gathers his things and heads to the plane. He carefully keeps some distance between himself and Davo. He sits by Ebs. 

He desperately wants to ask if 18 is too young to bond, but he feels that will reveal too much. Ebs eyes him critically. 

“You’re more messed up now than you were earlier,” he says. “What’d you do?”

“What makes you think I did anything?”

Ebs gives him a flat look. “I saw you checking out the bus for your bondmate. Did you not find them?”

“I’m not sure,” he says. 

“Then try again. You’ll get the hang of it.”

Ryan isn’t sure he wants to try again, but he has to know for sure. He waits until after take off to try. He closes his eyes and then feels a tug, sharp and insistent. He turns his head, looking for who did, and finds Davo staring right back at him.

Ryan looks away. He’s not sure who taught Davo that one because Drat isn’t bonded. Or maybe he figured it out after Ryan did it. Doesn’t really matter at the moment. 

“Ebs,” he says and Ebs doesn’t answer because he’s got his headphones on already. He smacks him in the shoulder.

“What?” Ebs asks, pulling off his headphones.

“18 is too young to bond, right?”

Ebs sits upright and says very carefully, “Nuge.”

“Because otherwise I’m bonded to Connor McDavid,” he hisses quietly. 

“You’re sure?” he asks.

“Yes,” he says, and realizes that Davo - Connor? - can read his emotions. “How do you block this shit out?”

“Visualizations of different sorts,” he says. “You kinda gotta find your own way of doing it. Not everyone’s good at it.”

Ryan ignores that last bit because he needs to be good at it. He takes a deep breath in and closes his eyes. He finds the tether that binds him to Connor and does whatever he can to cover it up. He imagines a door closing on it then walling it up then covering it like its a manhole. Everything just seems to slide off it, and he can still feel Connor on the side of it. It’s like trying to move mud and get it to stay when it refuses to dry. 

He can feel himself getting frustrated, and he doesn’t want Connor to feel that. He can’t cover it so he tries to keep everything, all of his feelings, away from the opening. He’s definitely not sleeping on the plane. He pulls out his headphones and puts on soothing music and tries not to think about any of the things going on. 

He thinks he must sleep at some point, but it’s not very restful. He feels just gross as he’s getting off the plane. 

“Nuge!” 

Ryan strongly considers ignoring Connor because it’s fuck o’clock in the morning and he doesn’t want to deal with this on no sleep. Still, he stops and waits for Connor to catch up with him. 

Connor catches up to him, reaches out for him then pulls back. “We’re bonded, right? It’s not just me?”

“Yes, we’re bonded,” he says. “Can we not do this now? I didn’t really sleep on the plane.”

“Um,” Connor stalls and Ryan doesn’t have to be bonded to him to know he’s conflicted. He can see it on his face. “Okay, but we should talk about this.”

“We will, just not now.”

He leaves Connor to find Schultzy, thankful that he didn’t drive because he’s in no state for that either. 

“No offense, but you look awful,” Schultzy says as he unlocks the car. 

“Yeah, I didn’t sleep on the plane.”

Schultzy doesn’t ask anything more, taking the explanation as is. Ryan barely stays awake through the drive home, and he’s asleep the second he gets into bed. He wakes to his alarm, and he can tell that Connor must be awake because he feels happy about something. Probably at Hallsy’s antics, maybe just hockey.

Ryan sits up in bed and rests his head in his hands because he doesn’t know what to do. He’d honestly been hoping to just avoid the whole bonding thing. They’re not totally rare, but they’re not quite common either. He just leaves it alone for the moment and gets ready and heads down for breakfast. 

In the process, he finds he has a text from Ebs reading  **you good?**

Ryan sighs and eventually sends back  **as good as I can be**

Connor texts him soon after that, asking when they can talk. Ryan tells him they can talk after practice and focuses on having his shit together for practice. It’s hard because it’s just weird to be aware of another presence. Connor’s mostly neutral, probably getting ready like Ryan is, nothing that really stands out, but he’s still  _ there _ . 

It’s thankfully a little easier once they’re both on the ice for practice and they’re both focused on hockey. Ryan tries very hard to act like everything is normal and not look too much at Connor. Connor definitely doesn’t try because everytime Ryan looks, Connor’s looking at him. So maybe Ryan is looking too much as well, and he doesn’t know why he tries. 

It all comes crashing down when Drat sidles up next to him, and says, “So you and Davo got bonded.”

Then he’s back to feeling like everything’s upside down. “Yes, and?” he asks, more sharply than he intended. 

He shrugs. “And nothing. Just trying to see where you are about it because he’s got no idea.”

He’s not alone in that Ryan thinks. He’s not about to tell Drat that though. They’re not that close. “I’m waiting to talk to him.”

“Okay,” he says, and Ryan catches a break by getting called into a drill. 

Connor gets nervous after practice, and it makes Ryan uncomfortable the way it seems to just curl and swarm around him. He finds Connor sooner rather than later.

Connor brightens up when he sees Ryan approaching. “Hey.”

“Hey,” he says. “Do you want to get food or something while we do this?”

“Yeah, sure,” he says because he’s an 18 year old boy and a hockey player. Ryan flinches at calling him a boy because he’s now bonded to him. 

They leave practice most likely the earliest they ever have left while healthy. Ryan drives to a restaurant that he knows they won’t be bothered in and Connor fiddles with the radio on the way over. Ryan leads the way into the restaurant and a waitress seats them without a second glance. 

Connor barely looks at the menu before asking, “Are you mad at me or something? Because you’re all wound up and that’s all I can tell from you.”

Ryan sighs and supposes he owes Connor the truth. Bonds can be broken, but he doesn’t want to do that to Connor. He’d told himself long ago that he’d never do that to anyone if he did ever end up bonded. “It’s not about you. I never wanted to be bonded, but yeah, it kinda doesn’t help that you’re 18.”

Connor gets offended of course.

“Calm down,” Ryan tells him as gently as he can. “There is a reason most people don’t bond until they’re at least 25 so even I’m too young. I also think about all the other hockey players who have bonded, and it’s not a great track record.”

“We’re not like them,” Connor insists.

Ryan raises up a hand. “Why? Because you’re the next Crosby?”

Connor gets offended again and Ryan rolls his eyes.

“No, we’re different because we’re us.”

“I’m sure every pair of bondmates says that just like every Oilers first overall draft pick thinks they will save the franchise,” Ryan says, shrugging. “I mean, I’m excited to see you try, but this is a team sport.”

Connor shakes his head and leans back in his seat. “Why are you being like this?”

“Like what?” 

“Like you don’t even want to try, like we’re going to fail right out of the gate.”

“Connor, I don’t know what to try.”

Ryan feels a flash of irritation from him, and it burns hot then quickly flares out. Connor brushes a hand through his hair then leans in again. 

“Try getting to know me before you dismiss the whole thing,” he says. “We must be compatible for some reason, especially if we bonded so young.”

“I don’t know that that’s true,” he says and takes in a deep breath. “But okay.”

Connor’s nerves settle down after he says that. “Okay, so we figure this out.”

The waitress comes back to take their orders and give them water. 

“Where do you want to start?” Ryan asks once she’s left. 

“Um, well, I grew up outside Toronto, got into hockey, and that’s been my life ever since,” he says, smiling.

“Funnily enough, I also got into hockey as a kid, and that’s been my life ever since,” Ryan says. 

“No way,” Connor says, mock surprised. “I mean, I kinda figured that would account for some part of the compatibility, but it can’t be all of it. Otherwise hockey players would be bonding to each other left and right.” 

“I know,” he says. “So.”

“So,” Connor says back. 

It feels like a bad first date even though Ryan is pretty sure they don’t have a romantic bond. It’s just he feels awkward, and he can feel that Connor feels awkward. He really just doesn’t know how to handle any of this, and forcing it clearly isn’t working too great. 

The waitress comes back with their food and it makes things slightly easier. They can at least use the excuse of food for why they’re not talking too much. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor says towards the end of the meal. “I guess, that I’m not what you expected. That you got bonded to me at all.”

“You don’t need to be sorry. It’s not like it’s anybody’s fault.”

“Yeah, but you’re still not happy about it.”

Ryan presses his lips together. “No, I’m not.”

Connor sighs and seems to give up after that. He leans back in his chair and doesn’t eat anymore. Ryan gets the bill and pays for both of them. 

“You didn’t have to do that,” Connor says as they’re walking out. 

Ryan shrugs. “I’ve been on an NHL salary longer than you.”

“Okay,” he accepts.

He drops Connor off at Hallsy’s before heading home.

The following day, Coach McLellan calls into the locker room as they’re getting dressed, “Nugent-Hopkins, McDavid.”

Coach McLellan motions for them to follow him. Ryan shares a look with Connor, but he shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders. It’s definitely about their bond though. They follow their coach into the hallway. 

“You guys are taking a therapy day,” he tells them. 

“It’s a game day,” Ryan says. 

“I know, but this isn’t optional,” he says, crossing his arms. “You guys have bonded haven’t you?”

“Yes,” they both answer. 

McLellan nods. “So management has decided that since we don’t want a repeat of some other bonds we’ve seen in the hockey world.”

Jeff Carter and Mike Richards go unspoken, that Richards had his contract terminated the year after he’d broken his bond with Carter. The aftermath of the broken bond isn’t the given reason the Kings terminated the contract, but no one’s going to act like it had no effect. It would go much worse for the Oilers were it the NHLPA suing them on McDavid’s behalf than it already is with them suing the Kings for Richards. 

“We’ve gotten you a bond specialist to help you out, especially because you’re very young for it.”

Ryan feels Connor’s flash of irritation, but it’s not as strong as it had been before.   

“And you’ve talked to our agents?” Ryan asks. 

“Yes, they’re on board, and everybody decided that I’d be the best one to tell you,” he answers with a nod. 

Their agents would be better, but that would require telling them separately. 

“Okay then,” Connor says. 

They have to get redressed in their street clothes, and then a trainer shows them to the office they’ll be meeting the bond specialist in. She’s already there when they enter. 

“Hi,” she says, smiling professionally at them. “I’m Dr. Catherine Reid. I specialize in helping young bondmates.”

“Hi, Connor McDavid,” he says, greeting her first and shaking her hand.

Ryan follows after him. “I’m Ryan Nugent-Hopkins.”

“Okay, we’re just gonna start with a few questions to see where you guys are at,” she says, pulling out a clipboard from her tote bag. “You guys can have a seat.”

Ryan sits down with some careful distance put between him and Connor on the couch. He’s pretty sure he’s not supposed to feel like anyone is on sides, but he does and he’s not sure whose he’s on or who is on his. The therapist seems nice enough, legally can’t talk to anybody else, but Connor is his teammate and bondmate. He can feel Connor’s nerves again and assumes he isn’t much better.

Dr. Reid sits down on a chair facing the couch. “When did the bond form?”

“October 13th 2015 when Connor scored his first goal in Dallas,” Ryan answers.

“Really?” Connor asks. “I thought it was later.”

“It’s typical that bondmates don’t notice the bond at the same time. It doesn’t mean anything. One of you just noticed before the other,” Dr. Reid answers. “How did you notice Ryan?”

“Uh, I mean I was happy Connor got his first goal, but it kind of lasted too long. I kind of confirmed it when I felt like way worse than I normally did after a loss,” he explains then shrugs.

“What did you notice, Connor?” 

“I didn’t really notice until on the bus when I got like a tug out of nowhere. Then I could tell something else was going on.”

“A tug? Through the bond?” she asks, eyebrows rising as she takes notes. “Is that what you did, Ryan?”

“Yeah, I told Ebs, sorry Jordan Eberle, because he bonded last year. I just really wanted to find whoever my bondmate was so he told me how to do it. It took a while but I found the, like, bond and just tried to see who would react to a tug. And Connor did.”

She purses her lips for a moment. “It’s rare that people are able to pick up on the bond like that so quickly.”

Ryan looks over to Connor, and he’s frowning. He still can’t get a very clear read on his emotions beyond him still being nervous.

“Connor did it back to me later that day. Should we not do that?”

“Yes, I think it would be better for you both,” she says. “With your bond so new you could injure it by tugging on it.”

“Oh,” Connor says, and Ryan grimaces.

“How much information are you able to get from each other then? Any complex emotions or just basic ones?”

“Basics,” Ryan says.

“Yeah, same,” Connor agrees.

“Have either of you gotten any headaches or nausea from experiencing your bondmate’s emotions?”

“No, I haven’t,” Connor says.

“I haven’t either,” Ryan says because while not all of Connor’s emotions have been pleasant, they haven’t made him feel sick or anything. 

“No soreness?” she asks.

“Like, not from hockey?” Connor asks.

“Yes, bond sprains are known to cause the sensation of soreness.”

“No, not from the bond,” Connor says.

“None here either,” Ryan adds. 

“Good,” she says with a nod. “Aside from the tugging and your age, things seem to be alright and normal.”

Ryan feels relieved. They’re already not starting off great, but at least they haven’t accidentally made it worse.

“Now, I wanted to ask you two how you’re feeling about the bond. Did you expect it at all or for it to be between the both of you?”

Ryan shakes his head, but before he can answer Connor says, “Ryan doesn’t like it.”

Ryan directs his irritation at Connor. It’s not like he was lying, but he didn’t need to go be a tattletale about it. 

“How do you know that?” she asks, completely neutral still.

“He hasn’t been happy the entire time we’ve been bonded-,”

“You haven’t been a bucket of sunshine either,” Ryan interrupts and gets a shock of annoyance for his trouble.

“-and he said so yesterday at lunch,” Connor finishes. 

Dr. Reid looks over to him expectantly. 

“I didn’t want to be bonded,” he says hoping that will be enough of an explanation. 

She nods. “It’s not completely unusual for some people to not want to be bonded and end up bonded anyways. A lot of the trouble younger bondmates have is that though they may have wanted to be bonded, they didn’t want to be bonded at that time in their lives.”

It doesn’t really make him feel any better. 

“You’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that you’re bonded now. Your bond with Connor won’t be able to healthily grow until you do, and if you’re bond doesn’t grow it’s more susceptible to sprains.”

“I know I’m bonded,” he argues. “What else do I have to do?”

She tilts her head. “Normally, I would say that you need to learn to trust your bondmate and open yourself up to the bond. Given your ages though, I don’t think it’s the best idea for the two of you.”

“Why?” Connor asks. 

“Your minds aren’t fully developed even if you have been able to bond. You’re much more likely to overload or sprain your bond due to your emotions being more volatile. It’s a very real possibility that you could hurt each other if you open up too much too quickly.”

Ryan feels Connor’s concern like a splash of cold water. He brushes it off and asks, “So what do you want us to do instead?”

“First, I want to know if either of you can block the bond,” she says.

“I can’t,” Ryan says. “Not well anyways.”

He feels a little sting of Connor’s hurt at that. Ryan finds it hard to believe he didn’t know what Ryan was trying to do at the time. 

“Connor, I’d like you to try then,” she says, turning to him. “Close your eyes, find your bond, and try to imagine covering it, whatever visualization works best for you.”

Connor closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Ryan watches him, waiting for something to change. Eventually, it does. Connor quiets. Ryan can’t sense him through the bond and it feels like the staticky sound of silence. Connor opens his eyes and looks over to him.

“It works,” Ryan tells him and the specialist. 

“Good,” she says and nods. “I want you to always have the block up during games. I’m sure your coaches will prefer that, but it’s also safer for the both of you in case of any high emotions during the game.”

“Will it be hard to keep in place?” Connor asks. 

“I don’t think so. You have to remove it or break it yourself, and we haven’t found that being younger affects its strength or causes it to fade.”

He nods. 

She clears her throat, “Outside of games, it might be better to keep it up as well. If you ever feel overwhelmed, put it up. If Ryan says he feels overwhelmed, put it up.”

“That won’t be bad for it, will it?” Connor asks. 

She shakes her head. “No, at this stage it would be more beneficial for it to be blocked off. You’ll both still have work to do even with it blocked. Connor, you never answered how you feel about the bond.”

Ryan looks to see Connor sending a cautious glance his way. He can’t get a clue on what he’s feeling because the block is still up. Connor answers, “I don’t really know. I couldn’t really tell because of how badly Ryan felt about it.”

“You can take a moment to think on it if you still have the block up, sort out your own feelings,” she says calmly. 

Connor glances at him again then takes in a deep breath then lets it out slowly. “I think it’s fine? I guess I’m just stuck on why Ryan because he’s not who I thought of when I thought I might end up bonded to someone.”

Ryan grimaces because he’s apparently walked in on a more important relationship to Connor. This whole thing is a mess. 

Dr. Reid nods. “That’s a common feeling among new bondmates, especially between people who don’t know each other as well. They’ll say why this person instead of my best friend or my girlfriend or boyfriend. It doesn’t mean those people aren’t important to you. It just means that your bondmate connects with you on a different level, has a different kind of compatibility to you.”

“Okay,” Connor says with a nod. 

“Do you guys have any other concerns or questions you want to ask me?” she asks. 

“Have you worked with other hockey players before?” Ryan asks. 

“A few,” she says. “Is that a concern for you? That I may not know hockey culture well enough?”

“Not the culture so much as the other NHLers who got bonded to each other,” he says, watching for her reaction. 

She merely nods. “I understand the concern. There have been two bond breaks between NHLers in the past few years, and two other bond pairs at the moment.”

“No, there’s three,” Ryan corrects her. 

She frowns. “I only know of Ryan Suter and Zach Parise and Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin.”

“I guess they’re still not public then.”

“Who?” Connor asks. 

“Crosby and Giroux,” Ryan says. “Hallsy and Ebs were on the team with them at Worlds. I didn’t believe them at first, but they had like matching stories and everything.”

“Did they bond over Worlds?” Dr. Reid asks. 

Ryan shakes his head. “No, Ebs said it happened sometime before 2012.”

“No way,” Connor says, shaking his head. 

“Sorry, what happened in 2012?” Dr. Reid asks. 

“Penguins versus Flyers playoffs series, it was pretty intense. They apparently blocked each other out for, like, two years after that,” Ryan says. “That’s about all I know.”  

“How unusual,” Dr. Reid says, sounding like she’s talking to herself. “I’ve never heard of athletes on different teams bonding.”

“Yeah, well, Crosby isn’t normal,” Ryan says, waving his hand. “Not sure about Giroux.” 

“Is that what you meant yesterday at lunch?” Connor asks. “It wasn’t about his hockey but his bond?”

“Yeah,” Ryan says, suddenly realizing how he might have been misinterpreted. “Like, he had to do something major to get Giroux back because he did claim Crosby broke his wrists.”

“Right,” Connor says. “That’s crazy.”

Dr. Reid interrupts. “You do know that’s how you can break a bond, right? Hurting your bondmate physically is one of the surest ways to do it. How did theirs not break?”

“I don’t know,” Ryan says, holding up his hands. “I just know that Crosby had to have pulled off some crazy shit for it to work. I think we’re going to have to do some crazy shit for this to work. Sorry for my language.”

“Okay, setting aside Crosby and Giroux for the moment,” Dr. Reid says. “Why do you think you and Connor will have to go to extra lengths for you to work as bondmates?”

“We’re on the Oilers, and we lose a lot. That’s a lot of bad feelings to go around.”

“I think you’re working on a slight misconception,” she says. “Yes, it is possible that you could drag each other down in negative feelings, that’s a sign of a poor bond. The bond is supposed to be used so that you are able to help each when you’re in distress. You might both feel bad after a loss, but you will both be able to more effectively cheer each other up due to your bond.”

“If you say so,” Ryan says, crossing his arms. 

“But we’re not supposed to have the bond open much?” Connor asks. 

“I’d prefer it if you didn’t. I think it would be safer for the two of you,” she says. “I’d rather you focus on spending quality time together and getting to know one another.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, raising an eyebrow. It kind of sounded like she wanted them to go on dates together. 

“We’re out of time for today, but I have some information for you to look over,” she says, pulling her tote bag out again. “I want you to start looking it over, and track any problems you have with your bond for when we meet next week.”

“When next week?” Ryan asks as he accepts a booklet bound in plastic comb binding. 

“The 22nd,” she answers along with the time. “I worked out the schedule with some of the staff to work around games. My number is in the packet so you can call me if you need to reschedule or if you have any problems that can’t wait.”

“Okay, thanks,” he says. He offers his hand for a handshake unthinkingly then hopes that isn’t a rude thing to do to a therapist. She shakes his hand and then Connor’s. 

They all leave the room, but Dr. Reid breaks off for the exit as Ryan and Connor head back to the locker room. The rest of the team is getting undressed, and some of the guys give them looks. McLellan motions for them to come join him. 

“How was your first session?” he asks. “We can find someone else if you don’t like her.”

Ryan looks to Connor, and Connor looks back to him and shrugs. 

“I thought she was fine,” Connor answers then holds up the packet. “She gave us this thing to read through.”

“Yeah, I thought she was good, too,” Ryan says. 

“Okay, and you better take it seriously. We know bonding isn’t something you can control, but you can control whether or not it affects your play.”

“We understand,” Ryan says. 

He motions them on, and then game day continues like nothing has changed. They lose to St. Louis that night. 

Ryan knows it’s probably bad, but he doesn’t have it in him to wait around and talk to Connor. He just leaves with Schultzy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so I continue my quest to someday write a davornh fic that doesn't happen in Connor's rookie year. 
> 
> I'm sure you all can guess what's going to happen in the next chapter. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as you might have guessed, this chapter features Connor's broken collarbone. Nothing graphic. I did my best with the hospital because I haven't had to have surgery on a broken bone which is something I'm planning on never experiencing.

Ryan checks out the packet Dr. Reid had given him. Her name, number, and email are all on the inside cover like she’d promised. Skimming through it shows that it’s made up of sections of other books, namely the chapters on younger bondmates, as well as questionnaires and activities. Some were to be done alone and others together. Ryan doesn’t know where to start with it as Dr. Reid had said only to look at it so maybe it’s okay if he avoids any of the questionnaires and activities.  

The other thing that Dr. Reid asked them to do is much more difficult. Connor asks him out to lunch the day after the loss to St. Louis, and it does not start well. 

“You didn’t want to talk to me after the game?” Connor asks once they’re seated. 

“Didn’t know I needed to check in with you,” he says, grateful he can’t feel whatever Connor might be feeling because their bond is still blocked off. He doesn’t think it’s totally wrong to have a minute to himself after a loss. 

“You don’t need to like check in and tell me everything or whatever, but I thought you’d like at least stop by or something,” Connor says, annoyed. 

“How is that different from checking in?”

“It makes me sound like I’m your keeper or some shit,” he says, making a face. “I don’t need to know everywhere you go or everything you’re doing, but I thought you’d show me some courtesy.”

“Show you courtesy?” Ryan asks, raising a brow at him. 

“Yes, like come say bye before you leave before just walking off like a jackass.”

Ryan sighs because it proves his intuition correct that he’d made a bad move. “Okay.”

Connor stares at him in surprise. “Okay, good,” he says like he wants to still be mad about it, but just isn’t anymore. 

“Good,” Ryan says. 

It takes them a while to get back to talking after that, and the conversation is stilted and cautious. Ryan doesn’t know if Dr. Reid would call it quality time, but it is time that he and Connor are spending together and talking. It still takes three more lunches, which are thankfully accompanied by two wins, before Ryan asks about what he really wants to know.   

He bides his time until food is already in front of them as a buffer then says, “When we were talking to Dr. Reid.”

Connor looks up from his food questioningly. “Yes?”

“You said you thought of someone when you thought of getting bonded.”

Connor stares at him for a moment. Then he asks again, “Yes?”

Ryan doesn’t know why it’s so hard for him to get it out. “Can I - is it alright if I ask who you were thinking of?”

“Oh,” Connor says, leaning back and smiling. “Stromer, I mean, Dylan Strome, not Ryan.”

“Yeah, I know Stromer the elder,” he says. He refuses to call him by his first name on principle. 

Connor nods. “Yeah, well, I know the middle one. We were on the Erie Otters together, and he’s just, like, my guy. I figured, I don’t know, once we were a little older and in the same place we’d maybe bond.”

Ryan nods like he understands any part of that feeling. “Sorry.”

Connor frowns. “Why?”

He shrugs. “For getting in the way of that.”

“It wasn’t like it was a life goal or something. I just thought it had a chance of happening, and I didn’t think this had any chance of happening,” Connor says, pointing back and forth between them. 

“Yeah, well, we’re all surprised,” he says. 

Connor sighs and pushes his food around on his plate for a few moments. “Are you ever gonna stop shitting on our bond?”

“Who says I was shitting on it?” Ryan asks, annoyed. “I just said we were surprised.”

“Yeah, but you had a tone.”

“I didn’t.”

Connor lets out a frustrated sigh and shakes his head. “Whatever, maybe you didn’t have a tone, but you’re still acting like you couldn’t give a shit about our bond.”

Ryan holds up a hand, completely stunned Connor would say that. “I’m here, aren’t I? I’m going to our therapy together.”

“And avoiding me every other hour of the day,” he snaps. 

“News flash, Connor, bondmates don’t have to be attached at the hip.  Not all of us are clingy.”

Connor begins to turn red. “I’m not clingy. I’ve been trying to give you as much space as I possibly can because you clearly hate all of this, but I’m not gonna get sidelined because you don’t care if our bond ends up sprained because of your bullshit.”

“You seriously think I’d endanger either of us?” he asks, furious. “I’m fucking trying, Connor. I can’t just fix shit instantaneously.”

“Yeah, I can really see the effort,” he says sarcastically. 

“Do you really not think I’m serious about this? What do you want me to do to prove it? Fucking move in with you or some other bullshit?”

Connor fixes him with a hard stare. “I could break the block and check if you’d like.”

Ryan doesn’t know if it’s what he says or the annoyed way he says it, but it puts him off his food and he’s done with the conversation. He pushes the plate away from him and stands up, “You can buy lunch this time.”

“What the hell,” Connor says as he walks away from the table. 

They don’t have lunch again the day after that, but they do still have a game together. Ryan says as little as possible to Connor while Connor judges him in his own little perturbed way. Surely not everyone has to like being bonded immediately, not even if the Oilers are paying a therapist for it. Ryan doesn’t have a great game that night, but at least they beat Detroit. 

They have their appointment with Dr. Reid, and Ryan’s never looked forward to anything less. Connor even side eyes him as they head to the office the Oilers have given her. Ryan just has to wonder how much they’re paying her. 

“Hello, Connor and Ryan,” she says cheerily as they come in. Her smile disappears pretty quickly when she watches them sit down at complete opposite ends of the couch. “Have either of you gotten a chance to start looking through the packets I gave you?”

“Yes,” Connor says. 

“Yeah,” Ryan adds afterwards. 

“Good,” she says then asks, “And did you try to spend quality time together.”

“Yes,” Ryan says tersely. That had been the whole problem. 

“We’ve been having lunches together all week until Ryan ruined it,” Connor says. 

Ryan rolls his eyes. “Yeah, like you didn’t have anything to do with it.”

“You stormed out of the restaurant and left me with the bill,” he snaps, and Ryan heats in embarrassment at how much of a scene he made, but at the time he couldn’t have borne to do any less. 

“Hold on, let’s take a minute to work this out,” Dr. Reid interrupts though she keeps her tone calm. “Connor, while I’m sure that was upsetting, I doubt Ryan left for no good reason. What happened right before Ryan left?”

“Connor threatened to break the block,” Ryan says. 

Connor flushes, “I didn’t threaten-,”

Dr. Reid cuts him off with a sharp look, “Connor, please. Regardless of how you intended it, what’s important here is that Ryan took it as a threat. We’re just trying to figure out what happened.”

He nods and crosses his arms. “Okay.”

“Now, can you tell me why Connor said he would break the block?” she asks. 

“He said I wasn’t serious about the bond, that I was purposely risking spraining it,” Ryan says sourly. “Even though I told him I was seriously trying.”

“Breaking the block would have been a good way to check,” Connor argues.

Ryan glares at him, feeling his cheeks burn in anger again. “Or maybe if you listened to me or didn’t have some ridiculous standards-”

“Please,” Dr. Reid interrupts. “We’re trying to have a productive conversation. Let’s try to remain calm and not argue. This is clearly an important point for both of you.”

Ryan clenches his jaw to keep from snapping. 

“Now, we’re going to keep working over the events of what happened and then discuss the issues your argument brought up,” she says, showing them her pad. She’d put ‘Ryan walking out’ at the bottom of the page and was working her way up reconstructing their fight. “So Ryan left because Connor said he would break the block because Ryan said he was trying to work on your bond because Connor was claiming Ryan wasn’t. Is that correct so far?”

“Yeah,” Connor answers.

“Why were you claiming Ryan wasn’t working on the bond?”

“Because he was shitting on it,” Connor answers. 

“I wasn’t,” Ryan argues. 

“That’s just how Connor interpreted whatever you had said,” Dr. Reid says calmly. “What had you been talking about that caused Ryan to dismiss your bond?” 

Ryan’s not sure if he wants to answer. Connor does it for him. “He’d wanted to know who I thought I’d get bonded with. I told him it was Dylan Strome, a former teammate and buddy of mine. I don’t see what the problem was, but clearly he took issue with it.”

Dr. Reid looks at Ryan like she knows exactly what’s going on with him. “Ryan, why did you want to know who Connor thought he would bond with?”

“Because,” he starts, and he has to take another breath and he can feel Connor’s eyes on him. “Because I wanted to make sure I hadn’t gotten in the way of something.”

Dr. Reid looks at him with so much sympathy that he has to look away. “Last week, I said that just because you haven’t bonded with someone doesn’t mean they’re not important to you. The reverse is also true. You’re not unimportant or in the way just because Connor didn’t think he’d get bonded to you.”

It really isn’t Ryan’s biggest concern with the bond, but it does make him feel a hell of a lot better even though it’s not from Connor. 

“You’re not,” Connor adds quietly. “In the way or anything.”

Ryan nods because he can’t trust himself to get out any words. 

Dr. Reid lets the silence stay for a few moments then she says, “I think that there are a few more issues in that conversation that we should address.”

Ryan tenses up again. 

“Okay,” Connor says, and even he sounds a little wary. 

“First, I think we should cover why you two aren’t seeing eye to eye on trying to make your bond work,” she says. “I want to clarify my expectations for you. If you’re both working your way through the packet I gave you and spending about an hour a day together, that’s enough. I’m sure you’re already spending much more than an hour together just through practice and games and such.”

Ryan feels relieved. “Yeah, we’re doing that.”

“Then, Connor, why do you think Ryan isn’t trying?” she asks.

Ryan looks over to see Connor looking perturbed and crossing his arms. “He just seems to do the bare minimum. Sure, we’re spending time together, but he always seems like he’d rather be somewhere else, and he keeps dismissing our bond or whatever.”

Ryan resists rolling his eyes because that would just give Connor more ammunition. 

“So you’re upset because it appears that he’s not trying as hard as you are?”

“No,” Ryan answers. “He thinks I’m trying to sabotage the bond.”

“I didn’t say that,” he argues. “I just said if you had your way, we’d sprain it and I wasn’t going to let that happen.”

“My way?” he asks then points to Dr. Reid. “I’m following her way. My way we wouldn’t have bonded at all.”

“Why are you still like this? You don’t even have anyone else you’d rather be bonded to.”

“Because it’s not about you,  _ McJesus _ ,” he snaps, done with Connor giving him shit about this. “It’s not about anyone. Sorry I can’t get over a decade’s worth of issues with bonding fast enough for you. Maybe you’re not a miracle worker after all.”

Connor looks furious, completely red faced and glaring.

“Boys,” Dr. Reid interrupts, stopping Connor from responding in kind. “We’re here to try and learn to work together, not tear each other down.  No yelling and no name calling please. Let’s try and calm down now.”

Ryan takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly. Obviously, he’s still mad, but he won’t yell at Connor or anything like that. Dr. Reid must have more patience because she waits several long moments before speaking again. 

“Last week, I don’t think I realized how opposed you were to being bonded, Ryan. Are you sure it really has nothing to do with Connor?” Dr. Reid asks.

He can feel Connor staring at him again. “I didn’t like the bond before I knew it was with him. It might have been better if it was with someone older or that I knew better.”

“He’s told me this already,” Connor adds in.

Dr. Reid takes in the additional information with a nod. “What don’t you like about the bond?”

“Everything,” he says flatly.

She gives him a look like she wants to flay him open to his secrets, but doesn’t because she wants him to do it instead. Ryan really does hate everything about this god awful bond. She looks away first, checking her watch. “We don’t quite have time to cover everything, so I’d like to switch gears and try a little exercise instead.”

Ryan gets a terrible feeling about this exercise.

“Okay,” Connor says.

“I want you to try opening the bond up to each other.”

“What?” Ryan snaps. 

“I understand that you have a lot of concerns about this, Ryan,” she says gently. “Which is why I feel it best that your first time opening up again be with me in case there are any issues. You can’t leave the bond blocked forever. You both have to learn how to use it and putting it off won’t make it any easier. Also, I don’t want you two to just throw the whole thing wide open. I want you to be slow and cautious and reach out to each other. Get a sense of yourselves inside the bond. Be gentle with each other. You are partners and learning to do this together.”

“Got it,” Connor says, nodding.

They both look to Ryan. He sighs and says, “Fine.”

“Close your eyes, and then Connor, you can break the block when you’re ready,” she says. “You can tell each other or me anything you feel is important.”

Ryan closes his eyes and hates just sitting there waiting for Connor to come through. He feels it when Connor breaks the block, his presence suddenly appearing. It takes a moment, but eventually his curiosity comes through as well, small and groping blindly. He flinches away from it.

“You’re not angry,” Connor says, and Ryan opens his eyes at looks at him. “You’re scared.”

Ryan is furious. He tries shoving Connor out of his mind because he can’t block him out.

“Stop,” Connor says, and he sends cool worry out to him, blanketing and calming his anger.

Ryan holds still as Connor’s worry then turns to ice cold fear and then stinging hurt. Ryan floods with guilt even though he doesn’t want to. He’d rather be angry at Connor because he’s been a dick than understand that Connor’s worried about him, afraid of him, hurt by him. “Just block it off.”

“Okay,” Connor says quietly then closes the bond again.

Dr. Reid gives them a moment before asking. “What happened after Connor said Ryan was scared?”

“He got mad and tried to force me out,” Connor answers. “Then I showed him I was scared, too.”

Ryan stares at Connor, trying to work out how things match up. Did Ryan sense more than Connor meant him to or did Connor send more than he thought he had? Is Connor not afraid of him then, just the bond? Where did the worry and hurt fit in?

Dr. Reid nods. “That’s a good example of how the bond is meant to be used. You sensed how Ryan actually felt then tried to soothe his fears by showing him you felt the same. We’re out of time now, but I think we had a productive session.”

Ryan has a million questions, none of which he actually wants to ask.

“I want you both to keep reading the packet, and go back to spending quality time together. I think it would be best if you kept the block in place for now. I’m out of town next week, so we’ll meet next on November 5 th ,” she says. “You’ll still be free to call me.”

“Okay, thanks,” Connor says, and stands up.

“Good luck in your next games,” she says as she parts from them.

Ryan doesn’t move past the door of the office, and Connor stays with him.

“Is what you told her true? Is that really what you meant to do?” Ryan asks.

Connor frowns. “Yes. Is that not what you got?”

“Yeah, it’s what I got,” he says, and starts moving towards the exit as they’d had practice before their session.

“Okay,” Connor says, following after him.

Their lunches are back on after that, if slightly more stilted and carefully avoiding touchy topics. They’re also back on a losing streak at home and one short trip to Minnesota. Ryan does talk to Connor after the games before leaving, but he doesn’t sit with him on the bus or plane. Ryan hangs with Ebs and carefully skirts his questions about the bond and therapy while Connor seems totally fine hanging with Drat or Nursey.

Ryan starts gearing himself up for their next therapy session on game day against the Flyers. Nothing’s gone wrong, but he’s betting that Dr. Reid will ask Connor to break the block again. He just doesn’t want to do that, but he also can’t avoid it forever. It’s like the worst of both worlds.

The game starts off well with the Oilers racking up shots. Ryan gets the first goal on the power play in the dying seconds of the period. It goes back the other way when Laughton scores for the Flyers less than a minute into the second. White scores Philly a second goal halfway through the period.

Then Drat takes a penalty near the end of the second, and Connor is out on the penalty kill, makes a break away and looking like he might score, when he catches something, Ryan can’t tell what from the bench, and he falls into the boards with Manning and Del Zotto on top of him. Ryan’s on his feet immediately. The Flyers defensemen get up first then Connor, and Ryan feels sick.

“Is he okay?” Hallsy asks.

“I don’t know,” he says, telling himself not to panic. He glances up at the video scoreboard and he can see Connor holding his shoulder. It’ll be a miracle if nothing bad happened. “It’s not good.”

“He’s coming to the bench,” Hallsy says, putting a hand on his back.

“That doesn’t mean he’s okay,” he says. 

Connor uses the door to get onto the bench, and Ryan can’t see him through the rest of the team. He’s sent to the ice for his last shift of the period before he knows anything. His head is definitely not together. He only has a few seconds on the ice before the period ends and he’s hauling ass to get to the tunnels. 

Ebs must have been expecting it because he’s making room for Ryan to go straight down the tunnel. “Go, go, go,” he says, giving him a pat on the shoulder as he passes. 

Running down the tunnel in skates is not easy, and a trainer stops him a few yards away from the ice. “Relax, he’s ok,” he says, holding Ryan by the shoulders. “Just take off your skates and I’ll take you to McDavid.”

Ryan nods, dropping his stick and shaking off his gloves. He sits down against the wall like some lost kid who can’t find a bench and tries to take his skates off. His fingers feel useless, but he eventually gets the knots undone and his skates off.

“Alright, let’s go,” the trainer says, helping him to his feet. 

Ryan tosses his helmet to the side as he follows the trainer. They’re quickly on concrete, and it’s cold through Ryan’s sweaty socks. The trainer leads him to a medical room which Ryan did know how to get to, and knocks on the door before opening it.

“Brought you your bondmate for comfort,” the trainer jokes so whatever injury Connor has may not be that serious. 

Ryan steps into the room cautiously. Connor has the top half of all his gear off with the doctor looking at his shoulder. Ryan has seen messed up shoulders, and his is messed up. Connor looks a little pale, but he smiles at Ryan. 

“I’m okay,” Connor says. “You didn’t have to rush down here.”

“Yeah, I did,” he says, and he’s sure he’ll have a fun time working that out with Dr. Reid. He’d been less worried about his own injuries and even other teammates’ injuries so maybe the bond does mean something after all. “Is he ok?”

The doctor clears his throat. “Seeing as you’re his bondmate, he’s fractured his collarbone. He’ll most likely need surgery.”

Ryan then realizes that legally as Connor’s bondmate he has access to Connor’s medical information, and Connor has access to his. “Oh,” he says and Connor grimaces.

“He’s not in any immediate danger,” the Doctor says, now pulling off his gloves. “I can’t do anything more for him here. You’re free to sit with him while I make some calls.”

The doctor leaves them alone in the room. Ryan should leave now that he knows Connor isn’t in serious trouble. Find his equipment and join the team in the locker room. Instead, he sits down on Connor’s good side so he doesn’t have to look at his broken collarbone. 

“I’d lean on you, but I’m worried that would hurt,” Connor says. 

“Probably,” he says, recalling his own days of shoulder injuries. “We’ll have matching surgery scars.”

“I think I could have done without that.”

“Yeah, me too,” he says then adds. “You’ll probably have surgery tomorrow. We have the day off.”

“I know,” he says, sounding confused. 

Ryan clears his throat. “I mean, I can be there, if you want.”

“Are you asking if I want you there?” 

“Yeah,” Ryan says, looking up at Connor and finding him looking at him in surprise.

“Yeah, of course,” he says. “Please.”

“I’ll be there,” Ryan promises, and Connor smiles at him. 

The doctor comes back into the room, and Ryan realizes he must be running out of time. He stands up and Connor grabs onto his jersey. Ryan turns back to him in surprise. Connor looks grim, glancing at the doctor before back to him, and Ryan, for the first time, wishes the block wasn’t in place so he’d have a better idea of how to help. 

Instead, careful of not hurting Connor further, he presses his forehead to his. “You’ll be okay.”

“Okay,” Connor says. 

“I’ll be back after the third period if you’re still here,” Ryan says then checks with the doctor. 

“We’ll be taking him to the hospital as soon as we can for further examination,” the doctor says. “I can have a trainer update you.”

“Thanks,” Ryan tells him then turns back to Connor. “I’ll probably meet you at the hospital then.”

“Okay,” Connor says then finally lets go of Ryan’s jersey. 

Ryan has to hussle back to the locker room after that, nearly sliding down a short set of concrete stairs in his socks, and finds his gear isn’t in a pile in the hall. He hurries on to the locker room and finds the rest of the guys are gearing up and sees his gear in his stall. They all stop what they’re doing and look at him.

“How is he?” Ebs asks first. 

“He’ll be okay,” he says, and that seems to be enough for everyone to go back to what they’re doing.

“How are you?” Hallsy asks, already completely dressed as Ryan struggles to get his skates back on. 

“I’m fine,” he grits out, pulling his skates as tight as he can. 

“Ryan,” Hallsy says, and he pretty much never calls him that. 

“I’m dealing,” he says, looking up so Hallsy will believe him. “I’m gonna see him after the third.”

“Okay,” he says with a nod. 

Ryan plays his hardest in the third because the only way to not sit there and worry about Connor is to totally throw himself into the game. They score three goals in the last period, Ryan’s goal coming in the last minute of the third just as it had in the first. He doesn’t celebrate much. 

When the period ends, McLellan tells him, “You’re free to leave.”

Ryan nods and then is off sprinting through undressing, showering, and getting into his suit. The usual reporters definitely notice, but he doesn’t stop to explain anything. He checks his phone for the info a trainer sent him on which hospital Connor’s at then leaves the arena. 

The hospital staff doesn’t question him when he arrives, explaining that he’s Connor’s bondmate. They just lead him to the room they’ve given Connor and tell him that they’re nearly finished with x-rays. 

Ryan’s agent calls him after only a few minutes of waiting. 

“We’ve got some people asking what’s going on with you after McDavid’s injury. Is it alright to release that you’re bonded or do you want to wait on it?”

“I don’t know,” he says because he hasn't been worried about that. “Do you know if Connor’s said anything?”

“Yes, his agent said that they weren’t hiding the bond, and that it was up to you.”

Ryan feels oddly touched about that, that Connor would let him choose. “I think it’s okay then at this point. I wasn’t exactly subtle when I left.”

“Okay, I’ll let them know,” he says. “Take care of yourself.”

“I will,” Ryan promises before hanging up.

Connor is wheeled back into the room by a nurse soon after that. “They won’t let me walk anywhere,” he complains. 

“Yeah, they do that,” Ryan says, giving the nurse a polite smile while Connor gets out of the wheelchair.

“He’s all set for tonight,” the nurse informs him. “His surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning. He’s not allowed to eat or drink anything.”

“Okay,” he says with a nod. “How long am I allowed to stay for?”

“Technically as long as you like, but once he’s asleep I recommend you go home and get some too.”

“Okay, thanks,” Ryan says and then the nurse leaves. He turns and finds Connor trying to pull down the hospital covers one handedly. His other arm is already in a sling and he’s wearing a hospital gown. “You need any help?”

“I’m good,” Connor says, finishing with the seats and sitting on the bed. “How was the game?”

Ryan raises a brow. “Fine, we won.”

Connor nods like this was expected. “You got over here faster than I thought you would.”

“I got permission to skip out,” he explains, pulling a chair over to sit by Connor’s bedside. “Our bond’s probably going to be in the news tomorrow with your injury.”

Connor nods. “Yeah, I was thinking it might be.”

Ryan takes a breath then says. “My agent says you wanted me to decide if it was okay to go public with our bond.”

“Yeah, it’s whatever to me,” he says, going to make a motion then wincing as he moves his bad shoulder. “But you’ve got issues with it so you should decide.”

“Thanks.”

“Who knew getting injured would get you to accept the bond and not be mad at me?” he jokes. “Should have done it weeks ago.”

“No, you shouldn't have,” he says because he can’t joke about injuries. “And I wasn’t mad at you.”

“If I call you out will you walk out again?” Connor asks, tone light. 

“No,” he says, glaring at him for a second. “And maybe I was mad at you, but I was more mad about other things.”

“You really don’t like being bonded,” Connor says looking away and playing with the top sheet of his bed. 

“Not really, more than I even thought I did apparently,” he says. “You should sleep and hope they knock you out completely for your surgery tomorrow.”

“Are you saying that so you can leave?”

“I’m saying that so I don’t have to have this conversation about bonds.”

“That’s fair. It’ll probably be more productive with Dr. Reid on Thursday anyways.”

Ryan had forgotten about that. “Oh fuck.”

Connor laughs. “Stop, laughing hurts.”

“Sorry.”

Connor calms down and then says. “You don’t have to stick around until I fall asleep or whatever, you know.”

“I’m not gonna leave you here on your own.”

Connor stares at him for a moment. “Can I ask why?”

Ryan shrugs. “I’m not a complete asshole. I am your bondmate even if I’m not happy about being bonded.”

Connor nods, and Ryan could leave it there. He owes Connor the other reason though if he is gonna try and act like a proper bondmate. “And because I got left on my own after I hurt my shoulder.”

“They left you alone in a hospital?” Connor asks quietly.

“Yeah,” he says, slouching down in his seat. “I was not well liked when I joined the Oilers.”

“Why?”

He shrugs. “Hell if I know. Locker rooms get real fucked up when you lose a lot. I wasn’t exactly the next coming of Gretzky at 18.”

“Sorry,” Connor says. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“You’re welcome,” he says. “You really should sleep though.”

Connor gives him a flat look. “Yes, mom.”

“I’ll be back in the morning before your surgery. Unless your surgery is super early in which case I will be here after.”

“It’s at 9.”

Ryan sighs. “You really gotta test me, don’t you?”

Connor’s grinning and trying really hard to not laugh. “I didn’t schedule it. You won’t even be here when they do rounds.”

“I’ll be here by 8. Is that good enough for you?”

“Yeah that’s fine.”

Connor shuffles in bed, eventually rolling onto his good side and facing Ryan. He sighs heavily, and maybe Ryan’s just imagining how he felt years ago, but he looks kind of miserable. He scoots his chair over right against the bed, reaches out for him, and Connor gives him a look. For a hot second, he panics about what to do because the exposed shoulder is the bad one. Connor shifts again and then grabs the hand Ryan had just left hovering over him. 

Ryan gives his hand a squeeze and then has to adjust his grip so they can comfortably rest their hands on the bed. Connor brushes his thumb over Ryan’s hand every so often with no pattern that Ryan can figure out. He must be thinking something, but Ryan wants him to sleep more than he wants to know. He just quietly waits out Connor’s exhaustion and leaves once he’s asleep. He doesn’t sleep so well himself, but he gets up and heads to the hospital when he promised. 

The hospital lets him in, but Ryan can’t really talk to Connor while he’s getting prepped by the nurses. He sits around with some coffee while he waits for Connor’s surgery to finish. Hallsy texts him to ask if he knows when Connor might be released from the hospital. Ryan texts him back that he doesn’t know. Connor’s surgery finishes, returned to his hospital room, and then Ryan’s just waiting for him to wake up.

Connor makes a sniffling sound when he wakes up. Ryan moves over to him, “Hey, how’re you feeling?”

He blinks a couple times before he answers. “Weird.”

“That’s pretty normal after surgery,” he says. 

“Don’t like it,” he mutters, rolling onto his good side very slowly. 

Ryan moves his chair so he can sit in Connor’s line of sight. “Your doctor will probably be by soon.”

He grunts in acknowledgement then nuzzles into his pillow. He’s quiet and still long enough that Ryan figures he’s fallen asleep. It’s better than dealing with post-surgery shittiness in his opinion. 

“You look worried,” Connor says, and Ryan startles a little. 

“I’m fine,” he says. 

“You’re not even the one hurt,” Connor continues, apparently not having heard Ryan. “You should be happier. Then I could see your dimples more.”

Ryan can’t help laughing at that. “What?”

“They’re very cute,” Connor says, like he’s trying very hard to be serious. 

“I think you need more sleep, bud.”

“Okay,” he says like he’s good now that he’s said his piece. 

Ryan texts Hallsy because it’s still so funny,  **Connor is fine after surgery and had to tell me my dimples are cute**

**glad to hear the rookie has his priorities in order** Hallsy sends back after a few minutes.  **sounds like ur doing ok to**

**Could use a nap but Connor is using the only bed**

**just get in there w him hes ur bondmate he’ll understand**

And then Ryan remembers that Hallsy is occasionally an idiot.  **He just went through surgery I’m not bothering him**

**suffer then**

Over the next few hours, other guys on the team text in to ask how Connor’s doing, and he tells them he’s fine. Connor doesn’t actually get to nap all that long, as his doctor comes in to check in on him and give him instructions. Connor tries convincing the doctor to let him go home, but he doesn’t give in. Ryan’s with the doctor on this one. 

“We’ll discharge you in the morning if nothing happens tonight,” the doctor says firmly. “Have a good day, Mr. McDavid.”

“Doctor knows best,” Ryan says once the doc has left the room.

“Okay, but like the food is terrible and so is this bed,” he says, shuffling his feels under the blankets. 

“I know,” Ryan says. 

Connor looks at him like he wants him to do more, but Ryan doesn’t know what. “Did you bring any games or something at least?”

“No, didn’t think about it.”

Connor scoffs and slumps down against his pillow. “Is this payback for making you get up early?”

“If I could think that far ahead in the morning, probably,” he says because he cannot be trusted to do more than the bare bone basics for the first hour after waking up early. “I can go run and grab stuff for you, if you want.”

“No, I’m okay,” he says.

“Okay,” Ryan says, not believing that for an instant. 

After an hour, Ryan wishes he would have let him go because hanging out in a hospital watching bad day time TV is depressing. 

“Mom was right,” Connor says. “This shit does rot your brain.”

“Probably,” Ryan agrees. He feels antsy sitting around, and he really wants to get up and leave, but Connor can’t. TV is just not distracting enough. “Do you want me or Hallsy to pick you up tomorrow when you’re discharged?”

“I thought you were gonna do it.”

“Hallsy asked,” he says, and he had once Ryan had told him Connor was staying another night. 

“Either’s fine,” he says, going to shrug and then wincing. “It’ll probably be real early though.”

“So what you’re saying is we should make Hallsy do it so he can suffer before practice,” Ryan says and nods. “Got it.”

“What did Hallsy do to you?”

“Nothing, just sharing the love.”

Connor smiles, “Okay, Hallsy can do it.”

“Cool,” he says, already texting Hallsy that he’s on discharge duty. “You want anything from the vending machine?”

“I heard rumors that there’s a cafe with sandwiches downstairs.”

“Ok what kind of sandwich do you want then?”

“Turkey.”

“I’ll be back,” Ryan says, getting up. “Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.”

“What could I possibly get up to?”

Ryan shrugs because there are always possibilities.

It takes Ryan way longer than he thought it would to get to the cafe with sandwiches. It’s down near the emergency room, but the elevator nearest Connor’s room doesn’t go down to the emergency room. So Ryan has to find an information desk to find the right elevators. There’s also a huge ass line because it’s right by the emergency room where everyone is desperate to get away from the waiting room for any amount of time. He also gets stared at by a kid who clearly recognizes him, but not courageous enough to do more than stare. 

Eventually, he does get the sandwiches and returns to Connor’s room after briefly wandering around the wrong floor. 

“You do know I haven’t eaten anything since like yesterday afternoon right?” Connor asks when he hands over his sandwich. 

“They gave you snacks after you woke up,” he says. “I wasn’t purposely trying to starve you.”

“Jello barely counts as food,” he argues as he struggles to get to his sandwich one handedly.

“Do you want some help there?” he asks.

“Yes,” he says with a sigh. “I only have to wear the sling for a few days, but I hate it already.”

“Yeah, that’s typical,” he says, getting Connor’s sandwich out of its packaging for him.

Connor practically inhales his sandwich like he’s never seen food before. Ryan’s only just started eating his. 

“I hope you savored that at lightning speed because I am not going back down to get you another one,” he says. 

“I was hungry.”

Over the course of an afternoon, various Oilers make their way to Connor’s room to pay a visit. It’s mostly the younger guys, and Ryan definitely notices that Hallsy doesn’t make an appearance. Ryan’s relieved by their presence because they are much better company than he is. He considers sneaking out of the hospital for a few minutes, but there’s never quite enough guys to give him cover. At least Connor’s distracted from his messed up collarbone. 

By dinner time, only Drat is left, and Ryan is starving. 

“I think I should go grab some real dinner,” Ryan says when there’s a lull in the conversation. “What do you guys want?”

“I’ve gotta leave soon,” Drat says, giving Connor an apologetic look. “I’ve got other plans for dinner.”

“Whatever’s close and has take out is fine,” Connor says. 

“Okay, we’ll see if there’s anything good around. I’ll try and be back before Drat leaves,” he says and then heads out. 

He feels like he can breathe again once he’s out of the hospital. He uses an app to find the nearest place with a decent rating and take out. He finds a basic diner barely over a block away and forgoes driving because it will take longer to park than to walk. He’s eaten enough lunches with Connor to get a sense of what he might want to eat, and he’s even able to order pretty quickly. Getting the food takes forever though, and he feels pretty terrible about finding Connor alone in his hospital room even though he’d expected Drat to be long gone. 

“Sorry it took so long,” he apologizes sincerely as he sets the food down on the rolling table for Connor’s bed. 

Connor shrugs it off. “Thanks for getting food.”

“Yeah, I found a diner and got you a burger, hope that’s okay,” he says, pulling the food out of the bag. 

“Yeah, that’s good,” he says then pulls the table over his bed. 

“How am I supposed to eat if you’re hogging the table?” he asks, tossing the empty bag into the garbage. 

“Sit up here with me,” he says, moving his legs off to the side of the bed. 

Ryan eyes the bed for a moment then gives in. “Okay.”

He takes off his jacket, tosses it onto the chair he’d been using, then sits down on the bed across the table from Connor. Connor smiles at him then begins digging into his burger. Ryan then starts eating his own burger, though he’d ordered completely different toppings for himself than he had for Connor. 

After they finish eating, Connor says, “You should go home. You’ve got practice tomorrow.”

“It’s not like it’s midnight or something,” Ryan says. 

“Yeah, but you like don’t need to be here anymore,” he says. “I’m fine, really. I got nurses to look after me.”

“You didn’t want me to go yesterday.”

“Yeah, but I was broken yesterday. I’m all better now,” he says, laying his hand on top of the bandages covering his shoulder. 

“You’re out 6-8 weeks,” he says. “You’re not all better.”

“Yeah, but I maybe wanna be alone for ten minutes before moving back in with roommates.”

“Okay,” he says, realizing he was doing to Connor what he didn’t want done to him. “I can go. I’ll remind Hallsy to pick you up tomorrow otherwise you will have to sit in the lobby through practice. I’ll talk to Dr. Reid tomorrow too if she lets me. Um, is that it?”

“And you’ll come by to have lunch with me after you see Dr. Reid,” Connor adds.

“Oh,” Ryan says, fidgeting a little because he thought Connor wouldn’t want to see him after an entire day spent together in a hospital. “Okay, lunch then.”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he says. 

“Have a good night,” Ryan tells him before he leaves. 

Ryan feels exhausted when he gets home even though he didn’t really do much of anything. He texts Hallsy  **Just made it home dont forget to pick up ur rookie tmrw**

Hallsy answers,  **i got it dont worry**

Ryan sighs, shoves his phone into his pocket, and just tries not to think about hospitals and injuries for the rest of the evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The game versus the Flyers is accurate according to the play by play. The Oilers being completely shitty to Nuge his rookie year is unfortunately real. From what I've worked out, the Oilers locker room was not a pleasant place and rather cliquey when Nuge was a rookie so like only Hall and Eberle talked to him. Nuge also got injured his rookie year in an away game in Chicago rather than a home game so I would be 0% surprised if they were just like cool we'll just leave this 18 year old alone in a hospital in an unfamiliar city in a foreign country. 
> 
> Also, Dr. Reid is somewhere between cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy, which is like a more specific type of cognitive behavioral therapy. Basically, they are therapies designed to examine your own behavior to improve your life, and in this fic it is a little modified to be about bonds rather than general mental health. 
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think it would take so long to get this out, but like the entire back half of this chapter got rewritten so here we are.

Ryan arrives early to practice just to take a few laps around the rink and skate out his excess nerves. He stops when he spots Hallsy. 

“Hey,” he says to him.

“Your bondmate’s fine. I picked him up from the hospital and got his prescriptions filled and everything,” Hallsy tells him, not wasting time on small talk. “How are you doing?”

“Fine, why?” he asks, shrugging. “I’m not the one injured.”

“Yeah, but you spent like all of yesterday in a hospital,” he says, and Ryan makes a so what face at him. He rolls his eyes. “You hate hospitals.”

“Yeah, but I couldn’t just leave him.”

“That’s the other thing. You aren’t exactly taking his injury well.”

“It’s an injury,” Ryan says, giving him a look. “Am I supposed to be happy about it?”

“No, but-,”

Hallsy stops talking as Ebs joins them on the ice. “Hey, how’s Davo doing?”

“Fine,” Hallsy says. “Got him home from the hospital okay. You should tell Nuge to stop freaking out about him.”

“Oh, Nuge,” Ebs says giving him a sympathetic look. “He’s gonna be fine. He’s a tough kid.”

“Woah, I don’t need any babying here. I get it, it’s just an injury,” Ryan says, sliding back half a foot. 

“Okay, but things shift a little when you get bonded,” Ebs says with a shrug. “I know you’ve got it blocked at the moment, but just thinking about him as your bondmate can kinda blow things out of proportion.”

“Yeah, exactly,” Hallsy says, tapping him on his leg with his stick. “You’re all out of proportion. Davo’s got more than you in his corner.”

“I got it, guys, I’m fine,” Ryan argues. “There were other people at the hospital than just me.”

“You hung out at a hospital all day yesterday, willingly,” Hallsy points out. “That’s not normal Nuge behavior.”

“I was keeping him company,” he says, and pushes Hallsy away. “You certainly weren’t offering.”

“Hell no,” he says, skating around to Ebs’ other side. “I wasn’t gonna waste my day off at a hospital.”

“Don’t have kids, Hallsy,” Ebs says, and Ryan laughs meanly. 

McLellan then blows the whistle, signalling for everyone to get their shit together because practice has started. Practice is pretty average aside from the fact they’re missing Connor. Ryan avoids the media again after practice. He’s been very careful to avoid any mention of himself and Connor. He’ll have to face it when he starts talking to media again which will be soon enough.

He just has to face Dr. Reid alone first. When he enters the office, she gives him a smile and a bright, “Hello.”

“Hey, uh, is it okay that it’s just me today?” he asks.

“Yes, I was informed of Connor’s injury,” she says, and waits until he’s seated to ask. “How have you two been doing?”

“Connor’s as good as he can be given he had a major injury a month into his rookie season,” Ryan answers. 

“And you?”

“I’m fine.”

She gives him a look like she doesn’t believe him. “I’d like to spend a little time talking about how things were going before Connor’s injury.”

“Things were fine,” he says. “We were doing lunches and not arguing and stuff. Getting to know one another like you told us to.”

“No issues or blowouts?” she asks, giving him a look like she expected more from him. 

“I guess you can say we were taking it slow,” he says, scratching his neck.

“Okay,” she says, and then she’s shifting forward in her seat. “And what happened when Connor was injured?”

“Uh, he went down with two defensemen on top of him. Pretty sure there’s clips out there if you really need a visual.”

“No, Ryan, sorry I wasn’t clear enough. I meant what happened with  _ you _ when Connor was injured.”

He shrugs, uncomfortable under her scrutiny. “I was on the bench when it happened so I didn’t see it too well. Just tried to find out how badly he was hurt.”

She gives him a look like he’s intentionally being difficult. “Watching a teammate get hurt is distressing, even more so when it’s your bondmate. It’s an event that many bondmates experience and have to learn to deal with. It’s okay to talk about your experience, how you felt in those moments.”

“I mean, I was worried about him, obviously,” he says then clears his throat. “I didn’t freak out or anything, though. I did a shift after he left the ice even.”

She nods. “It’s good that you didn’t freak out, but I wouldn’t always take doing something as a good sign. You could be ignoring or avoiding the issue at hand.”

Ryan shrugs. “I have an obligation to the team. I still had to go out and play even if Connor was hurt.”

She looks at him for a moment then says. “What happened after you finished your shift?”

“Period ended so I went and checked on Connor in the medical room. I could tell his shoulder was definitely messed up. I sat with him for most of the break between periods,” he says. 

“Did you discuss anything with Connor while you were there?”

Ryan taps his fingers against his legs, fidgeting. “Do I have to go over everything with you in detail?”

“No, not at all,” she says, leaning back. “Bond specialists are here to help people learn new or better behaviors to better or more healthily deal with their bond and bondmate. That does require going over instances in detail to discover what would have been a better option like we did with your argument, but we can talk about whatever you would like.” 

“Behaviors?” he asks. “Like habits or something?”

“Yes, how you react to stimuli,” she says with a nod. “For a hockey comparison, going over an event in detail and what caused each step is like going over game tape. The play has already happened, but seeing it from another angle, slowing it down, you can learn how to react better to a similar situation in the future.”

Ryan huffs out a small laugh. “Okay, I get it, and the exercises are drills, and yada yada.”

“Exactly,” she says with a smile and nod. 

Ryan feels more comfortable with the explanation of what she’s trying to do, but he still doesn’t know what to say. 

She seems to understand this, and Ryan wonders if doing therapy gives you the superpower of being able to read the crap out of people. “Ryan, I want you to understand, I’m not here to judge you or tell you what to do. I don’t know quite what a good hockey comparison would be, but I’m not the coach. I’m not going to make you sit out a game if you make a mistake. I’m here to help you gain some perspective and teach you skills that you’ll hopefully be able to use and improve your life with.”

“Yeah, I get that. I’m not so worried about that,” he says though it does help to hear it.

“Then may I ask what you are worried about?”

“I don’t know you, Connor doesn’t know you,” he says. “I barely know Connor. We’ve just been thrown in together. How much help are we really to each other or you to us?”

She nods. “That is why I’ve been asking the two of you to spend time together. Trust is, also, an important component in therapy. The bond is personal as is your behavior in general. This won’t work if you aren’t comfortable with me, whether you don’t trust me or you don’t like my style or you just aren’t comfortable. It’s always an option for you to find someone else. It won’t hurt or offend me.”

“Well, I dunno that I want to go out and find someone else,” he says, running a hand through his hair. “It’s just, Connor getting hurt is, like, a big thing, and I don’t know that I want to be talking about it. You also go kind of hard.”

She tilts her head, accepting the comment. “Connor’s much more open in these sessions. You seemed like you needed more prodding. If you don’t like it I can back off a little.” 

Ryan can see her point. “I don’t know what would be better. Like, I do get that you’re meant to help, and the best way to get your help is to be honest, but then I also don’t want to tell you about everything.”

She nods again. “That’s not unusual, to hold two conflicting feelings at once. It’s not crazy or anything. That’s just one of the things that makes people complicated. You don’t have to tell me everything now, and I won’t force you, but if there is something you feel comfortable talking with me about we can do that now.”

“Yeah, okay,” he says, and considers what he wants to talk about. “Is it okay if we go bigger picture?”

“Yes, absolutely.”

“How do you, like, get over not wanting a bond?” 

She takes a deep breath like she needs time to think of what to say. “First, I’d just like to remind you that everyone has troubles when they first bond and not to judge the entirety of bonds on what you’ve experienced so far.”

“Okay,” he says which he doesn't think will be very difficult. They’ve had it blocked the majority of the time. 

“We can either work through your concerns about it or we can try looking at the positives,” she says. “In my office, I have a white board for this kind of thing, but I guess we’ll have to do without.”

“A white board?”

She shrugs. “Visualizations help some people. What do you want to start with?”

“Positives,” he says because he can’t think of any. 

“Okay, just tell me anything and everything you might like about bonding or being bonded with Connor, and we’ll make a list for you to keep,” she says, flipping over to a new page of her notepad.

“Okay, um, I don’t really know,” he says, trying really hard not to be embarrassed about that. “Which is why I asked for positives.” 

She nods, “Okay, how about you’ve made a new connection?”

“I guess so,” he says, though he made the connection with Connor before they were bonded. The bond didn’t have to happen for that. 

She writes it down. “You have a partner?”

“Yeah,” Ryan says. He knows the cliches about your bondmate being your partner on the journey of life and all that bullshit. He didn’t get to pick who he wanted as his partner though. 

“Anything you can think of?” she asks. 

“No, and none of this is like particular to the bond,” he says, holding up his hands. “Like I don’t see why the bond is necessary.”

“It isn’t,” she says, setting down her pen. “Otherwise everyone would be bonded.”

“Then why’d it have to be me?”

She shrugs. “You were compatible to Connor, and you bonded. That’s the only reason. You do have options, you know. You can learn to work with Connor and the bond. You can avoid it, convince Connor to keep the block in place permanently. Do nothing, just ignore me and Connor. Or you can break the bond.”

“No,” Ryan says, shaking his head. “I wouldn’t do that to Connor.”

“So you don’t want to break the bond, but you still don’t like it.”

Ryan nods. 

“Okay, then what if we change gears a little bit and set that as a goal,” she says, flipping to another new page. “Don’t break the bond is a lack of action so what if we said, keep the bond?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” he says. 

“So what steps do you need to take or things you need to do to achieve the goal of keeping your bond?” she asks, turning her pad around to show ‘keep the bond’ at the top and underlined. 

“Don’t hurt Connor,” he says. 

She nods, turning the pad back around to write. “Yes, that’s a big one.”

“Don’t sprain the bond.”

“Okay.”

“You said to spend time with him and get to know him,” he says.

“Yep, and it’s also better to have what to do rather than what not to do.”

“Should I, like, look into how other people’s bonds ended up broken?” he asks.

“You could,” she says, writing it down. “I don’t know how helpful or applicable you might find that though. We’re also about out of time.”

“Oh, okay,” he says, suddenly nervous about leaving. He feels like he started a thread, but is nowhere near finished with it. 

“I’ll give you the list now, and see if you can try coming up with more steps for it,” she says, giving the paper to him. “You’re out of town next week so we’ll meet on the 19th.”

“Okay, thanks,” he says standing up.

“And don’t forget to keep talking to Connor and reading the packet I gave you.”

“I will.”

Ryan feels a little lost as he’s leaving. Some mix of the unusual conversation and unusual time leaving. He takes a minute to reorient himself by just sitting in his car before driving to Hallsy’s.

He knocks loudly on the door, and Hallsy opens it up. “Hey, Gazzy made lunch, and we left some for you.”

“Oh, cool, what’d he make?” Ryan asks, stepping inside and taking off his shoes.

“Tuna fish salad,” he answers as he leads the way to the kitchen. “We just made sandwiches with it.”

“Okay,” 

“Hey, Davo!” Hallsy shouts. “Your bondmate’s here.”

“I know,” Connor says, popping his head out from around the corner of the kitchen and startling Hallsy. “I’m right here.”

“Don’t sneak up on me like that,” Hallsy says, hand over his heart.

“Don’t blame the kid for your obliviousness,” Gazzy says. “Hey, Nuge.”

“Hallsy said you made food so thanks for that,” he says, giving him a smile.

“I know,” he says, grinning. “Someone has to take care of you first overalls. Lord knows you can’t do it yourself.”

“Hey, I resemble that comment,” Connor says, making Gazzy laugh. 

“Speak for yourself,” Ryan says, assembling a sandwich for himself. “I have learned a few things about being an adult.”

“What, like getting bonded too young?” Hallsy asks, earning himself a smack from Connor.

“Getting bonded doesn’t involve any effort, and you can still only make KD. I can at least make homemade mac n cheese,” Ryan says, rolling his eyes. “Seriously, Connor, why do you live with this guy?”

“I prefer to think of it as living with Gazzy,” Connor says. 

“‘Preciate it,” Gazzy says while Hallsy sputters in outrage. 

“I am a good host,” Hallsy insists.

“Do you need us out of your hair?” Gazzy asks. 

Ryan is in the middle of eating so he can’t tell them it’s fine, but Connor nods. Gazzy puts a hand on Hallsy’s shoulder and steers him out of the kitchen. “Let’s give the baby bondmates some room.”

Ryan instantly feels awkward with him still trying to eat a damn sandwich, and Connor just staring at him. “You don’t have to watch me eat,” he tells him.

“I’m not,” Connor says, flushing and looking away. “Sorry, wasn’t what I meant to do.”

“What did you mean to do then?”

Connor makes a whatever sort of motion with his good hand. “Nothing, what did you and Dr. Reid end up talking about? Did she make you go over my whole injury and everything?”

“No, uh, it ended up being more like what exactly I was supposed to be getting out of bond therapy,” he says, setting down his sandwich. 

“Isn’t it just to like do bonds better?” he asks. 

“I mean, yeah, but it’s more difficult for me,” he says, shifting awkwardly on his feet. “So she’s basically gonna be tougher on me because you’re like more open about it or whatever.”

Connor taps his good hand on the counter a few times. “Is this all because you didn’t want to get bonded in the first place?”

“Partly,” he shrugs. “Seems like some of it is just me.”

Connor leans against the counter. “Does that mean we need to be doing different things? Or like that I need to do something different now?”

“Yeah, get healthy,” he jokes. “No, I just needed some clarification, but we’re still supposed to be reading our packets and hanging out.”

“Then we should hang out now,” he says. “It would be a shame for you to come all this way and only give me homework and eat a sandwich.”

“Okay, but can I finish eating first?” he asks, gesturing to his half eaten sandwich. 

“Yeah, sorry,” he says, taking a step back. “Take your time.”

Ryan goes back to eating his sandwich, and Connor does his best to not watch him do it. He rinses his plate after because he’s nicer than Hallsy. “Okay, what do you wanna do then?” he asks Connor. 

“Normally, I would say video games, but I can’t do it one handed,” he says, looking down at his sling. “I have to keep this on for at least the rest of the week.”

“So, tv, movie?” he suggests. 

“Sure,” he says, motioning for Ryan to follow him into the living room. He pulls up Netflix, and they spend ten minutes trying to find something to watch. Hallsy and Gazzy find their way back to them once they hear the sound of the show going. It’s a little easier to talk with Connor with the buffer of other people around. They can’t just focus on them and their problems. 

“Have you considered that the reason you guys are bonded is that you both were boring and picked your birth years for your numbers?” Hallsy asks during the opening credits of another episode. 

Ryan twists around in his seat to kick Hallsy, not really paying attention to where he was aiming.

“Ow, you fuck,” Hallsy says, grabbing hold of his leg and then jabbing him in the shoulder with his other hand. 

“Hey, I did not kick you that hard,” he says, smacking Hallsy back and trying to wrestle his leg free. 

Hallsy switches tactics, trying to shove Ryan off the couch which would work better if Ryan didn’t already have one foot still on the ground to keep himself up. Ryan focuses on getting Hallsy to let go of him. 

Gazzy sighs and gets up from his reclining chair and makes his way over to the couch. “The rookie is more mature than you two,” he says, and prepares to sit down on top of them. 

Hallsy waits until the last second to let Ryan go, and he has to scramble backwards to not get squished. He gets a little bit squished anyways. Gazzy is not a small man. Ryan squiggles his way out from underneath Gazzy to be pressed up against Connor who is pressed up against the armrest. 

“I don’t think this couch is meant for four,” Connor says. 

“Sorry, it’s not a problem for your shoulder, is it?” Ryan asks. 

“It’s fine,” he says, and he doesn’t seem like he’s in any pain. 

“Maybe if some people could behave themselves,” Gazzy says, sounding a lot like a mom trying to discipline toddlers. 

It’s not like any of them are about to get up now though. That would be admitting defeat. Connor shifts in his seat, and Ryan starts to consider whether giving his injured bondmate extra space would be considered enough to get up when Connor leans over and snuggles into his side. Ryan freezes. 

He’s not like touch averse or anything, but it’s Connor doing it. He doesn’t know what to do with Connor generally since bonding, but especially with this. He forces himself to relax, and it takes time. Eventually, it’s even almost comfortable to have Connor cuddled up against him. 

Ryan leaves after a couple episodes, needing to get back to Sophie as well as other chores. Connor walks him to the door, and they work out their plans for lunch on a game day where Connor isn’t playing. 

The Oilers lose to the Penguins, and Ryan finally had to face the media. 

“Has bonding with Connor McDavid affected your play at all?”

“No,” Ryan says, wondering if the guy thinks Connor would help or hurt him. “We’re doing everything we can to be safe and healthy which for now means keeping it off ice.”

“How are you handling McDavid’s injury?” another reporter asks.

“It obviously sucks to get an injury like that so early into your rookie season, and we’re already missing him in the room, and wishing him the best in his recovery.”

The reporter gives him a frustrated look when everyone knows he left for the hospital after Connor’s injury.

“Have you seen McDavid since he got injured?” a different reporter asks. 

“Yes, of course,” he says, trying not to give the reporter a weird look. 

“How do you feel about your bond with McDavid? Are you looking at it strictly as between two teammates?”

“We are teammates. We obviously need to be able to be on the same team and play together.”

“What exactly are the two of you doing to keep your bond healthy? McDavid is near record breaking young for a bond, and you’re rather young for one yourself.”

“Yeah, we have a bond specialist who works mostly with people who bond young and athletes. She knows her stuff, but we’re still in the early stages of everything. The bond is basically a new tool we have to learn to use, and she’s getting to know us and how to help us. If you’ve been bonded you know it takes some getting used to so we’re doing what we can to do it the right way and avoid any missteps.”

“How do you feel about the Oilers’ organization’s response to you and McDavid bonding? Any hiccups in the process?”

“No, no, they’ve been very good about it. They helped find our bond specialist along with our agents.”

“Have you made any arrangements for McDavid to fly out with you on your upcoming roadie? Are you worried at all about how the separation might affect you?”

Ryan rubs at his chin to give himself some time to think because of course he’s worried. He’d already read over the sections about separated bondmates in the packet Dr. Reid had given him and it didn’t sound great. He wasn’t sure how it would be for him, but surely Dr. Reid would have said something if she expected it to affect his on ice performance or otherwise hurt him. “No, we don’t have any plans for him to come with us. I’ve prepared for it, but no one knows until we actually do it.”

Thankfully, the questions returned to being more about hockey after that. The following day, he gets one last lunch in with Connor, and then they’re onto a roadie. Ryan feels a little bit weird leaving Connor behind even though they haven’t been bonded a month yet. Things just seem to get worse after take off and the closer they get to Chicago. Ryan finds Ebs. 

“Hey,” he says to Ebs, getting him to look up from whatever game he’s playing on his phone. 

“What’s up?”

“I just wanted to double check something with you,” he says. “I read all the stuff about bondmates separating and know you get like out of range when you travel, but we’re blocked. Is it still supposed to feel different?”

Ebs kind of makes a face at that. “Oh, um, I’m not sure. Both me and Lauren can block so we’ve been doing that any time either of us travel. I just get the block. Sorry, that’s not very helpful.”

“It’s okay,” Ryan says, waving him off. “I don’t know why I thought it might not be too different.”

“Yeah, I don’t know what you do if it becomes a problem.”

“I’ll figure it out. Like, I have the what not to dos and how to tell if something’s wrong. It’ll be fine.”

Ryan doesn’t think it will be too much trouble. By the time they land, he feels like he’s stretched out and a little thin. It’s not great, but it’s not like it’s painful or anything. He gets through checking in and everything else just fine. 

By morning, it’s not so ignorable. He wakes up with a strong sense of wrongness, and coffee doesn’t shake it off. He’s already googling symptoms by the time he’s heading down to breakfast. He takes a glance at the food the hotel has prepared and realizes he won’t be able to stomach it. He sits down at an empty table and tries to figure out what’s up with his bond, but gives up after five minutes when he can’t find anything concrete. 

“You didn’t get anything to eat?” Hallsy asks, sitting down across from him with a full plate then looks at him. “Woah, you’re not sick are you?”

Ryan shakes his head. “No, it’s something with my bond. I haven’t figured out if it’s a normal distance thing or if something’s wrong.”

“Ebs is coming, ask him,” Hallsy says, gesturing to him as Ebs sits down with them.

“You doing okay, Nuge?” Ebs asks, looking genuinely worried which is not a good sign. 

“It’s this distance thing with my bond. When we first landed, it just felt uncomfortable which as far as I’ve seen is pretty normal. Now, it just feels like it’s opened up into this pit that just drops off into nothingness back here,” he gestures to the back of his head. “The first part I’ve heard of, but I feel like I’m about to tumble over or something which I haven’t seen mentioned at all.”

“I don’t know anything about bonds, but that does not sound normal,” Hallsy says, frowning. 

“It could be because it’s new though. Or maybe because you and Connor are so young,” Ebs says, looking Ryan over. “Can you contact your bond specialist?”

“Yeah, I should do that, should have done that first,” he says, scrubbing his hands over his face. “I don’t know where my head's at.”

“Busy not toppling into the abyss,” Hallsy says. 

Ebs laughs, and Ryan even manages to smile. Ryan emails Dr. Reid while Hallsy and Ebs eat. He forces himself eventually to at least eat a little bit because it is game day, and he can’t go without any fuel. Dr. Reid gets back to him by the time he’s able to look at his email again around lunchtime. Feeling like there’s a drop off  _ is _ common when bondmates move out of range of each other, and some feel it more strongly than others. Ryan could feel it strongly, or it could be due to how young he is and weak his and Connor’s bond is. She recommends that he spends at least 24 hours straight with Connor when he gets back to Edmonton. 

They have a bit of a break between games once they get back from the roadie, so he would have 24 hours to spare. He just isn’t sure if he and Connor will be able to stand each other for that long. Still, he’d do a lot worse than that to make the pit go away. 

It doesn’t get worse as the roadie goes on, but it definitely doesn’t get better. The Oilers lose in Chicago, win in Anaheim, then lose again in Arizona. Ryan is just antsy to go home, but he has to sort things out with Hallsy and Connor. Hallsy because he reverted to treating Ryan like his rookie the whole roadie. 

“Would you rather I take Connor to mine or do you want me to stay with Connor at yours?” Ryan asks before they have to get on their flight. He’d told Connor Dr. Reid wanted them together, but that he hadn’t sorted out where.

Hallsy’s face twists up in a way that suggests he’s trying to not offend Ryan. “I mean, you guys can do whatever you want, but I’d kinda like it better if you stayed at mine.”

Ryan nods, it’s not like he didn’t expect it.

“Me and Gazzy will totally give you your space though,” Hallsy insists quickly. “Do whatever little bondmate reunion you gotta do.”

“Don’t make it weird,” Ryan says.

“It’s too late. My rookies getting bonded already did that,” he says, holding his hands up. 

“Whatever, Hallsy,” he says, rolling his eyes. “I’ll catch a ride with you then?”

“Yeah,” he says, nodding. 

Ryan texts Connor to expect him at Hallsy’s when they get back to Edmonton and then Schultzy to tell him he’s staying with Connor instead of going home. 

When the plane lands, Ryan feels like something has snapped back into place. It’s just easier to breathe. He can’t feel Connor with the block still in place, but he can tell he’s there. It’s relieving after nearly a week of an endless pit. He also realizes that being in the same city isn’t enough. 

Hallsy and Gazzy had driven together so Ryan is relegated to the back seat. He’s alright with it as he finds himself wringing his hands and can’t stop jiggling his legs. Gazzy turns around from the passenger seat. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” he promises. “I just need to see Connor.”

Gazzy and Hallsy share a look. “We should let him go in first,” Hallsy stage whispers. “Let him get his fix.”

“Shut up,” Ryan says, but Gazzy nods. 

Ryan is out of the car as soon as it’s parked. He feels like he can tell exactly where Connor is standing, and he just can’t wait any longer for relief. The door opens as soon as he makes it onto the porch. He freezes when he sees how stressed Connor looks even though he now has his sling off.

“Ryan,” he says, pulling him into a hug and over the threshold. He gives Ryan a squeeze then says, “Actually, we should not do this here.”

“What?” Ryan asks, trying to hold onto Connor as he pulls away. 

“Come on,” he says, taking hold of Ryan’s arm. 

“Where?” he asks as Connor guides him through the house, not trying to stop him. He’d go pretty much anywhere so long as Connor didn’t let go of him. 

Connor pulls him into his room, shutting the door behind them. He turns back to Ryan, and they stare at each other for a moment. Connor’s staring at him, looking for something, and Ryan has no idea what he’s seeing. Then he gathers Ryan into his arms again, and Ryan sighs and wraps his arms around his shoulders. 

“I think I missed you more than a week deserves,” Connor says, trying to laugh about it. It comes out a little weak, and he adjusts his arms to cover more of Ryan’s back. 

“I was miserable the whole time,” Ryan confesses, mostly mumbling it into Connor’s shoulder. He takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly, starting to feel like a normal person again. He’d been wrong when they’d landed. He hadn’t had a piece of himself snapped back into place. It’d taken Connor to do that. 

“Yo, Nuge! Come get your shit!” Hallsy shouts from downstairs. 

Connor sighs and lets Ryan go. He heads back downstairs to move his things into the guest room with Connor trailing behind him like a puppy. Ryan couldn’t really chirp him though as he felt better knowing that Connor was there if he wanted to check. And he did check rather frequently. 

Ryan overall feels back to normal. He’s able to eat dinner without having to force himself, and relax and hang out with the other guys without feeling a sense of a pit ready to swallow him up. He even welcomes it when Connor decides to curl up against him on the couch when there’s no need to. He’s not sure what part of it is due to the relief of not having the pit anymore, and what part of it is from the bond just being better when he’s with his bondmate. 

Given how tired he is, Ryan probably should go to sleep early, but Gazzy and Hallsy head for bed before he’s even ready to think about asking Connor to move.

“Hey,” Connor says quietly after they’ve been on their own for a few minutes. He’s barely louder than the show they put on that Ryan hasn’t been watching. 

“Hey,” Ryan says back.

“Can I ask you something?” he asks, fidgeting with his hands.

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay with this?” he asks, making a motion that by this he means the whole situation. 

Ryan sighs. “I don’t know. I’m happy to not have a gaping pit at the back of my head anymore, but I don’t really like doing things because of the bond.”

Connor sits upright so he can look at Ryan even though the only light in the room is the tv and a pretty soft standing lamp. “The bond’s not really making us do anything.”

Ryan raises his eyebrows. “We literally have to spend twenty four hours together because of the bond.”

“Yeah, but we don’t have to. It’s because we’d be miserable otherwise.”

“Because we’re bonded so it’s because of the bond.”

“Yes, Ryan, we’re bonded.”

“That’s what I just said,” he says, scrubbing his hands over his face. “I don’t know why you’re okay with this. Saying that we’re bonded all over isn’t going to make me change all my feelings about it.”

“No, I mean, we,” he says, gesturing between the two of them, “are bonded. We made it.”

Connor’s lost him. “What does that mean?”

He shrugs. “No one gave it to us or forced us into it. It was something we made together so if we do things because we’re bonded, doesn’t that just mean we’re doing things because of us? Like, the only way we wouldn’t have a bond is if we weren’t us or if bonds didn’t exists, but they do and we’re us. We made the bond so whatever we do because of the bond is because we’re us.”

Ryan has to run it through his mind a couple times before he thinks he gets it. “I guess.”

“Well, if you guess,” he says, rolling his eyes, and Ryan can’t help laughing just a little bit at it.

“I just meant,” Ryan says and takes a deep breath in. “That yeah, maybe it’s a little easier to think of things that way.”

“I mean, I’m really fucking banking on you avoiding me because of your bond issues and not because you don’t like me,” Connor says, trying to laugh, but it doesn’t really sound right.

“I don’t avoid you,” Ryan says, feeling guilty even though he’s pretty sure he hasn’t been avoiding Connor. “I spent all day in a hospital with you. Hallsy didn’t even visit you so.”

Connor just looks sad and Ryan feels worse.

“Do you,” he says then pauses as he’s not sure he should ask. “Do you want me to spend more time with you?”

“Yes, of course,” he says quickly. 

“Oh,” he says, and maybe more of his opinions on the bond are one sided than he’d previously thought. “I didn’t realize.”

Connor opens his mouth, but it takes a second for him to get anything out. “Have you considered that you’ve made bonding too much of a big deal?”

“Bonding is a big deal. It’s literally life changing.”

Connor sighs. “Yeah, but like not every little bit of it. I don’t think it’s a momentous occasion every time we meet up or whatever. We’ve already had a fight and that didn’t break the bond.”

“That is true,” Ryan says, and Connor is probably right that he could stand to chill a little bit about their bond. Someday it will just be normal daily life for them supposing they don’t fuck it up. “I think that’s enough deep talk for tonight. I need to sleep.”

“Okay,” Connor says, getting up from the couch first. 

Ryan does a rather lazy version of his nighttime routine before crawling into Hallsy’s guest bed. He’s not even that mad about sleeping in a guest room when he could be in his own bed because he’s just that tired and actually able to fall asleep again.  

Of course, somebody has to go and ruin it because he wakes up maybe an hour later when the door creaks open. “What the fuck?” he asks, whoever it is that has come in to bother him. 

“Sorry,” Connor whispers back. 

“What are you doing?” he asks, and the question is more pressing when Connor enters the room and shuts the door behind himself. “I haven’t slept right all week, you better have a great reason for waking me up.”

“You haven’t been here all week,” Connor says, and Ryan’s eyes have adjusted enough to see him tiptoeing towards the bed. 

“What are you doing?” Ryan asks again when Connor then starts climbing in on the other side of the bed. 

“What’s it look like?” he asks petulantly. 

“Why then?”

“Because I’ve had a shit week, too. Maybe it isn’t the bond for me, the block still seems fine, maybe it’s just injury bullshit, but is it really so bad that I want to be with you?” he asks, giving Ryan a hard look. 

Ryan sighs. “No.”

“Okay then,” he says, flopping down and covering himself with the sheets. 

Ryan can’t help smiling because something about the way he did it was funny. He lies back down, facing away from Connor. Then he rolls over to face him. “Do you do this to other people?” he asks quietly. 

“Yeah,” he answers, matching Ryan’s volume. “Mostly Stromer though.”

“Okay, just don’t wake me up again,” he says, already halfway back to sleep. 

He doesn’t cuddle up with Connor, but it’s still nice all the same to know that he could turn and see him if he wanted to just like it had been earlier when he’d shoved his things into the guest room. He falls asleep for once rather than thinking too hard on it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to talk about the therapy a little more, the dialectic in dialectic behavioral therapy refers to the philosophical idea that to find the truth there is a thesis, an antithesis, and then synthesis. So in people that's holding two opposing beliefs and trying to find an outcome. DBT was made for chronically suicidal patients with BPD so the typical example is someone who is suicidal. They want to die, but they also want to live or else they would have already killed themselves. One of the things that happen in DBT is they do tell you your options for problem solving which includes doing nothing. I'm not including the therapy in this fic for therapy's sake. I am not a therapist. It's just to give a better/different demonstration of Connor's and Ryan's characters. 
> 
> I'm enjoying myself with this fic even if it's quite a bit of work because it's very different worldbuilding to what I did for the cheesby fic. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are turning out pretty consistently at around 6k so I'm probably going to stick with that. 
> 
> Also, I think in this universe platonic bonds are just as likely as romantic ones but because they'd totally be romance staples, everyone wants them to be romantic ones. Just some background for some discussions in this chapter.

Ryan wakes in the morning to Connor pressed up against him. He’d figured that might happen given the way Connor’s been around him. He’s a little too warm with Connor all up in his space, but he also doesn’t feel tired waking up which is a nice change from the week before. He checks his phone and finds that it’s only five minutes until his alarm goes off anyways. He turns off the alarm so it doesn’t bother Connor then gets up. 

His morning routine is a little messed up, having to sneak back into Hallsy’s guest room for everything he forgot the first time. Still, he manages to make it through and feels back to normal when he gets back to the guest room. Connor is awake and sitting up in bed with a bad yet adorable case of bedhead. “Where’d you go?” he asks through a yawn. 

“Just got ready,” he says, shoving his things back into his bag. 

“Want any breakfast?” he asks, getting out of bed and stretching. He still has about half his normal range of motion on his bad shoulder. 

“Sure,” Ryan says. 

Connor nods then leads the way down to the kitchen. Hallsy’s already there sipping coffee when they make their arrival. Ryan can tell he’s going to make a deal out of it because he makes a delighted face as soon as he sees them. 

“I don’t know where I went wrong with the both of you,” he says, mimicking a scolding mom and setting his coffee down. “Don’t think I didn’t see that Davo was not in his bed last night.”

“Hallsy, it’s-,” Connor starts, and he clearly hasn’t known Hallsy long enough. 

“My former rookie seducing my current rookie,” he says, melodramatically, putting the back of his hand against his forehead. 

Connor then seems to get it’s a joke, but still looks annoyed about it. 

“You got it the wrong way around, dude,” Ryan says, and Connor gives him a betrayed look. “I’d have gone to his bed if I was out to seduce him. I was just trying to sleep, and he came to mine.”

“Guys, come on,” Connor says, and Ryan starts making his way to the coffee machine. 

Hallsy gasps and puts a hand to his chest. “Not my sweet, pure, baby McJesus.”

“Really not funny,” Connor grouses, crossing his arms. He has yet to learn that sometimes going along with Hallsy’s bullshit is hilarious. 

“Well, he certainly wasn’t acting pure last night,” Ryan says, doing his best to waggle his eyebrows, and making Hallsy burst out laughing. 

“That’s not true,” Connor argues. 

“How scandalous,” Hallsy says, putting a hand over his mouth like a society lady but still managing to get it wrong. “Like actually though, please tell me you didn’t do it in the guest room because I don’t want to have to clean the sheets.”

“You don’t actually think that,” Connor says, looking mortified. 

“Yeah, he totally fucking doesn’t,” Ryan says, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “I would literally rather die than have sex anywhere in the vicinity of Hallsy, and he knows this.”

“When would that ever come up?” Connor asks, and Ryan wonders if Dylan Strome is a good enough best friend. Stromer the elder had seemed to know his shit. 

“Things have changed since then,” Hallsy says to Ryan, holding up his hands. 

“What, like you getting over your weird kinks?” he asks, which is genuinely the worst thing he’s ever learned about Hallsy and also just in life generally. 

“Oh my god,” Connor says, covering his face with his hands. 

“No, okay first of all, they’re not that weird,” Hallsy insists. 

“Nope, they definitely are,” Ryan says which Hallsy ignores.  

“I’ve already seen your dick so I don’t know why my house matters, and I swear you have to have a kink repressed somewhere in there,” Hallsy says gesturing to Ryan’s face. 

“I am an innocent virgin,” he says which is a complete lie. “Not an exhibitionist.”

“Also you could have changed your mind after getting bonded,” Hallsy finishes then adds. “Maybe bond sex is your kink.”

“Can we not talk about this?” Connor asks. 

“I don’t think bond sex counts as a kink, and we seriously didn’t do anything,” he says, taking a sip of his coffee. “You can stop torturing Connor.”

Hallsy stares him down for a moment then nods. “Okay,” he says and picks up his coffee. “Sorry about that, Davo.”

“Please tell me all of that was a joke,” Connor says, looking back and forth between the two of them. 

Hallsy shrugs. “You guys are bonded. You can do what you want.”

Ryan frowns at Hallsy. The part where he’d sworn to Hallsy that he’d never have any kind of sex around him had been true (due to Hallsy suggesting a very ill advised threesome). Hallsy should know him well enough to not take any of that seriously. 

“I regret my life choices,” Connor says, grabbing some food and quickly leaving the room after delivering a parting glare to Hallsy. 

“You didn’t actually think we would do anything, did you?” Ryan asks Hallsy, moving to stand beside him. 

Hallsy shrugs. “I don’t know. You’re definitely starting to change like Ebs did.”

“Okay, but Ebs was already dating Lauren when they bonded. Me and Connor are just trying to figure shit out.”

“I know, but like, I still can’t tell when you’re into people or not, and you were letting Davo hang all over you,” he says. “Was I not supposed to assume something when you let him sleep with you?”

“Yeah, you could assume that I just needed my bondmate and not that I wanted sex,” he says, rolling his eyes. “Bondmates can be platonic you know.”

“Okay, but platonic bondmates usually don’t sleep in the same bed, just saying,” Hallsy says. 

Ryan shrugs. “Most platonic bondmates don’t go on roadies right after one of them got injured. They’re also not under 25. We’re just not normal.”

“Truer words were never spoken,” he says then takes a long drink of his coffee. 

Connor gets ready while Ryan has another cup of coffee and eats breakfast and Gazzy makes his entrance for breakfast. 

“You ever think about how that’s too much coffee?” Gazzy asks Ryan. 

“It’s gotta be better for you than energy drinks,” he says, finishing off his last cup for the day. 

“Yeah, you’d probably have a heart attack if you drank an energy drink on top of all of that coffee,” Hallsy jokes. 

Connor thunders down the stairs and pops his head into the kitchen. “Ryan, we need to get going. It’s going to take forever to get to Dr. Reid’s.”

“Okay,” he says, setting his dishes in the sink. 

“See ya wouldn’t want to be ya,” Hallsy calls out as they leave the kitchen. 

Connor leads the way out of Hallsy’s house, grabbing the keys as he leaves. 

“You’re driving?” Ryan asks skeptically. 

“Is there a problem with that?” he asks. “It’s not like you’ve got a car here.”

“But I’ve got more experience,” he says, shutting the front door behind them.

“I have a license and a car. I’m gonna drive,” he says, unlocking his car. 

“Okay,” he says, getting into the passenger’s seat. 

“Stop giving me that look,” Connor says when he finishes backing out.

“I’m not giving you a look,” he says.

Connor then gives him a look as he switches from reverse to drive. “Are we just gonna have the same argument again?”

“When have we ever had this argument before?” he asks because he’s pretty sure Connor hasn’t driven him anywhere before this. 

Connor sighs, but at least he keeps his eyes on the road. “You give me a judgey tone then say you didn’t, then you give me a judgey look and say you didn’t.”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “You’re reading too much into things.”

He makes a frustrated noise. “You know what? Whatever. We’ll just see what Dr. Reid has to say about it.”

“And what do you think she’s going to do? Put me in time out for whatever I do that you don't like?” he says, and he doesn’t see what Dr. Reid would even bring to this conversation. He focuses on watching out of the windshield when they make it to the main roads. He doesn’t have to see the speedometer to know that Connor is definitely a speeder, like most teenagers he’s ever driven with. 

“No, but she worked out our argument last time so she can do it this time,” Connor says. 

Ryan watches the light turn yellow as Connor crosses the intersection. “Yeah because that worked great if you think we’re having the same one now.”

Connor glares at him, taking his eyes off the road. “It’s not exactly the same, but whatever. Let’s not have it.”

Connor then turns the radio on, the volume high enough to kill off any conversation. Ryan lets him win because it’s better the loud music than let it escalate any further and have Connor driving while angry. He’s already taken his speeding up a notch. 

The issue then becomes that Connor keeps flicking through the channels, skipping to another station when commercials come on. 

“Stop,” Ryan snaps after a few minutes of it and shutting the radio off.

“What the hell?” Connor asks, annoyed. 

“You’re distracting yourself, just keep focused on the road.”

“Seriously?”

“And it’s annoying as fuck,” Ryan says. 

Connor huffs and keeps driving. Ryan wouldn’t say that he’s more comfortable, but at least it’s less irritating. They make it to Dr. Reid’s office without any more incidents, and Ryan goes from one kind of nerves to another.

Dr. Reid greets them like everything is normal even though they’re meeting her in her office for the first time. Ryan can appreciate it. He also likes the room better than the office at the rink. It has the whiteboard on an easel like she’d said and soothing colors and a way more comfortable couch. Connor eyes him as they sit down like he’s deciding on whether or not to bring up the driving thing. 

“I thought we might want to start with last week and how you two handled being separated,” she says. “I know it gave Ryan some troubles, but I’d like to hear from you, Connor.”

“Uh, well, I don’t know,” he says. “I mean, it wasn’t great, but I don’t think it was all the bond, and I have it blocked off anyways. It’s just, I’m injured and was home alone without much to do for a whole week. It sucks a lot when normally you’re doing hockey or working out or something every day.”

“So a big adjustment for you, but not one that necessarily had to do with the bond,” she says, nodding and writing herself a note. “Did Ryan explain to you how he experienced the separation?”

“Yeah, he told me,” he says, nodding. “That he had a bottomless pit at the other end of the bond.”

She nods. “Ryan seems to feel it rather strongly. It’s possible that the severity won’t return the next time you’re separated, but we won’t know until then.”

“The next road trip is a long one out east,” Ryan says. “What do we do if it is a problem?”

“There are two main ways of dealing with the feeling of separation from your bondmate. You can either learn methods to better cope with the feeling or you can learn to cordon off the pit. That’s a term we use to describe creating mental barriers to essentially create a fence around the pit. It’s a similar technique to creating a block, but less powerful. I know that some athletes use it during play as a safeguard for themselves and their bondmates without completely cutting each other off.”

“I think I’d prefer that,” he says. It would be better than just trying to ignore the pit because he’s already tried that. Additionally, if he learns the technique, he’d have at least someway to keep Connor distant even if he did take down the block. 

“Okay, there are examples in the packet I gave you, and I will give you a little more information on it, but I can’t test it with you myself. You’ll have to work with Connor for that,” she says, and Ryan begins to really hope that it’s just not as bad as it was the time before. “And I have a few other questions I wanted to ask you concerning how you handled the separation.”

“Okay,” he says, shifting a little in his seat. 

“Did you have any headaches?”

“No.”

“No soreness, not from hockey?”

“No.”

“Any issues with your sleep? Problems falling asleep, staying asleep, or waking earlier than usual?”

“Falling asleep a little bit,” he says. Falling asleep had maybe taken a little longer, but it had been such a relief to have a break from the gnawing black pit. The larger issue had been that he just hadn’t felt as rested as he normally did.

“Any nausea?”

“No.”

“Any loss of appetite?”

Ryan hesitates. He had still eaten, but Hallsy and Ebs had definitely seen that he hadn’t been eating like normal over the roadie. This was something either Dr. Reid or Connor could check for themselves if he downplayed it or lied. “I definitely ate, but no, I wasn’t hungry like normal.”

He refuses to look at Connor, but he can feel his eyes on him. 

“Any mental fogginess?”

Ryan had no idea what that meant so he probably hadn’t. “No.”

“Any feeling of a lack of focus?”

“Like a little bit on the first morning, but I’m also usually not at my best first thing in the morning anyways.”

“Okay,” she says, finishing her notes. “Given your answers, I don’t think there’s a concern regarding you spraining your bond in relation to separation, but I think it would be best if Connor was prepared to join you on the roadie.”

“Why?” he asks. He’d handled it last time. It wasn’t pleasant, but he’d made it back to Connor fine. He would obviously do better next time. 

“You have a high intensity career where you can’t afford to be under eating or suffering any sleep deprivation,” she says, giving him a hard look that clearly meant she wouldn’t be backing down. “In a longer separation, that will wear on you over time which puts you at a greater risk of injury both with hockey and with your bond. I do have the ability to recommend that you not be allowed on the road trip.”

Ryan leans back in his seat, stunned. 

“Seriously?” Connor asks, sounding just as surprised. 

“Yes, the Oilers were very serious and explicit when they contracted me. I am a doctor, and what matters most to me is your health, and I am grateful the organization is willing to listen to my recommendations,” she says, giving them both hard looks. 

“I can go,” Connor says. “It’s not like I’m doing anything here anyways.”

“Okay,” she says, and a considerable amount of tension leaves the room. “I think we can move on to how you two have been since Ryan got back.”

“Better than on the roadie,” Ryan answers then looks to Connor, concerned about what he might add. 

“Yeah, definitely,” he agrees then fiddles with his shirt sleeve. “I feel like we would have spent the time together even if you hadn’t told us to. Is that normal even with the block up?”

She nods. “The block only keeps the both of you from sensing each other’s emotions. You’re still tied to each other. It would lessen with an extended period of time with the block up, and only completely go away if you broke your bond.”

“We also, like, slept together. Is that normal too?” he asks, and Ryan instantly cringes. Like, it probably is a good question to ask, but he didn’t need to put it that way. 

Dr. Reid’s eyebrow rises, and Ryan jumps in. “Literally slept together, as in like actually sleeping. There was no intercourse of any kind.”

“Yes, yeah, all G-rated, just the same bed,” Connor adds. 

“Oh, good,” she says, putting a hand to her chest. “This isn’t me judging your sexualities or sex lives in case you were worried. You are both adults and free to do as you please, but it is a little bit of a tricky situation with your bond. Sex is one of the ways to overload or sprain a bond, and I would really recommend that at this stage you do not have any sort of intercourse with each other given how young you are and how new your bond is.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, really wishing this wasn’t a conversation he had to be having with a bond specialist. 

“In any case,” she says, clearing her throat. “It’s not unusual after a separation, especially first ones or difficult ones for bondmates to require extended time in very close physical proximity. Sharing a bed is indicative that you two really needed that time to be close to each other to recover from being separated. It’s also an indicator that in future separations, even if the symptoms aren’t as strong for Ryan that you will need to spend a good amount of time together afterwards.”

“Okay, so it’s not that weird,” Connor says with a nod. 

Dr. Reid makes a bit of a face at that. “Even if it were atypical, that wouldn’t make it weird. If it’s necessary to keep the both of you and your bond healthy it’s perfectly fine.”

Ryan is not certain he buys into that. “Sure.”

She looks back and forth between the two of them, tapping her pen on her pad of paper a few times. “I think I’m going to give you two a little more extra homework in addition to spending time together and reading the packet. You seem a little unfamiliar with bonds, and I’d like you two to talk to each other about your experience with bonds outside of your own. Family, friends, whatever you’ve seen.”

Ryan can’t help tensing up. Connor says, “Okay.”

“Nothing from the media, books, movies, tv shows, don’t think about it,” she says, waving that all off. “There’s a lot of misinformation there. I really want you two to get a better sense of your expectations for a bond and what you expect from each other as bondmates given what you’ve seen in your own lives.”

“I think we can do that,” Connor says, nodding. “We’ve got time before the next roadie.”

“Is the barrier thing also homework?” Ryan asks. 

She nods. “If that’s still what you want to do, yes. We’ll be able to meet one last time next week before you leave.”

“Okay.”

“We’re almost out of time, so I’d like for the last thing we do is have the two of you practice opening your bond again.”

Ryan sighs. He’d been expecting it, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it. “Okay,” he says, bracing himself. 

“Is there anything in particular we should be doing?” Connor asks. 

Dr. Reid shakes her head. “No, it’s just to get you two used to it and each other just like last time. Whenever you’re ready.”

“Okay,” he says, closing his eyes. 

The block comes down, and Ryan can sense Connor. He feels mostly nervous, and it feels like pins and needles on the arm nearest him. Ryan imagines he feels the same or worse to him. Connor looks him over, and Ryan shrugs back at him. 

“Are you sure we shouldn’t do something?” Connor asks. “It just doesn’t seem like much of anything.”

Dr. Reid frowns. “What do you mean by that? Are you having trouble sensing Ryan?”

Ryan focuses on Connor, both looking at him and within the bond. He can sense Connor just fine, and nothing seems wrong with the bond itself. It’s the same little string connecting them as always. 

“No, I can, it’s just,” Connor frowns, and some of his nervousness disappears as he concentrates on trying to find the right words. “Um, I guess it seems like he’s, or maybe his feelings or something, are taking up less space than they should somehow. Like if I actually wanted a good sense of them I’d have to go digging for them which seems a little...invasive.”

Ryan agrees because he would definitely shove Connor off if he decided to start digging around in his emotions. He’s not sure about the rest of it because he’s not really doing anything different from any time before. “I’m not doing anything.”

Dr. Reid nods. “It’s possible Ryan is just not feeling any particular emotions strongly at the moment. Or he’s just not reaching out to you very much. Also, conflicted feelings tend to make bondmates register their partner’s feelings as smaller. Ryan is the only one who can tell you which of those is a contributing factor.”

“Could be any of them, really,” he says, and he doesn’t have much interest in working on any of them at the moment. 

Connor glares at him, almost like he can sense what Ryan’s thinking. He can even feel a little flare in anger from him. 

“You don’t have to share every little emotion with each other to be good bondmates or have a healthy bond,” she says. “Some bondmates have a very strong bond while sharing as much emotion as they might just reading each other’s expressions or body language.”

“Really?” Ryan asks, surprised. “I thought bondmates ended up sharing, like, everything.”

“It does become easier for bondmates to open up and share more of their emotions over the bond with time due to having more experience with the bond, having a stronger bond, knowing each other and trusting each other more, and so on, but some prefer to stay at a surface level or to keep their touch light.”

“Oh,” Ryan says, more relieved by this news than anything he’d heard yet in these sessions. 

“What if one of us wants to share more than the other?” Connor asks.

Ryan looks over to him, but Connor is resolutely focused on Dr. Reid. He can’t help but wonder if Connor doesn’t want to share more with him and instead wants Ryan to open up more to him. Dr. Reid looks between the two of them then leans forward. 

“It’s not necessary to share your emotions in the same amount. Sometimes one bondmate will just have bigger emotions than the other or finds the bond easier to work with just like only some bondmates are able to block. That said, I’m not sure how much you share over the bond is what you’re worried about,” she says, gently. “Am I correct in saying that you might be worried that one of you will invest more into your bond than the other?”

Connor gets flustered, and Ryan feels a little like he’s just been batted by some butterflies made of ice. It doesn’t help his feeling of guilt carrying over from their conversation the night before. Dr. Reid may not have named names, but they all know who Connor thinks won’t pull their weight. At least this time it’s Connor getting read by their shrewd doctor and not him. Connor nods. 

Dr. Reid looks cautiously between the two of them, and Ryan has trouble meeting her gaze. “This may be a discussion you want to have between each other before you speak with me. It’s important you learn to work things out between each other. I’m here to offer support, not work things out for you. That said, I want to remind you that you’re not starting off in the same places. Connor, you were open to being bonded, but Ryan was not. Your progress is not going to look the same. Four years is also a large gap at your ages. If you were in university, Connor would be a freshman and Ryan a senior. You need to have some patience with each other.”

Ryan nods because it’s all he’s aware of all the time. Connor’s a rookie, and it’s always been Hallsy’s thing to look after rookies, not his. Connor’s coiled anger settles down, cooling as it unwinds.

“Okay,” Connor says with a sigh. “We can try.”

“Good,” she says, nodding. “You can close your bond, if you’d like. I think you’ve improved from the last time.”

Ryan isn’t sure if he’s happy about that or not. Connor blocks off the bond, and Ryan feels a weird sensation of lightness, like he’d just put down something heavy. 

“Let me get that information on barriers for you,” she says, getting up. She goes to a file cabinet and after a minute, pulls out a little packet that she hands to Ryan. “You should practice a few times on your own before you let Connor test them.”

“Okay,” he says, trying to not seem freaked out at having to let Connor knock down his barriers. “Thanks.”

“I’ll see you next week,” she says as she leads them out of the office. 

“Bye,” they tell her before she shuts the door. 

Connor turns to him, and asks, “Lunch?”

“Sure,” he says, folding up the packet and sticking it into one of his coat pockets. “Are we driving or walking?”

“Do you know any place around here?”

“No.”

“Driving then.”

Ryan sighs. 

Connor gives him a look. “What’s wrong with my driving?”

“Do you know how many eighteen year olds I know who have totaled a car?” he asks. 

“No, but I’ve never totaled a car.”

“And I’d love to not be in that car if it ever happens,” he says, holding up his hands. 

“I’m a good driver,” he argues. “I’m also like two months from being 19.”

“Fine, just don’t do your radio switching thing.”

“Deal,” he says, holding up his car keys and grinning. 

Connor drives them back to their side of town, using the aux cord rather than radio for music. It does actually make it much easier for Ryan to be in the passenger seat. 

“Is this, like, your parents in the car playlist?” Ryan asks after a few minutes of tame country songs. 

“Are you judging my music?” he asks, making a smooth turn a green light. 

“No, just noticing that there’s no cursing,” he says.

Connor doesn’t say anything for a couple minutes. “Okay, yes, it is my playlist for when my parents are in the car.”

Ryan laughs. “Is that your way of saying I’m too old already?”

“No, just that you sounded an awful lot like my parents when they were teaching me to drive.”

“That’s probably fair,” Ryan admits instead of trying to chirp back.

Connor eventually parks at a pretty basic looking diner that Ryan doesn’t think he’s ever been to before. They’re seated pretty quickly by the hostess and no one gives them any second looks. 

“So, I’ve only been here once before, but it was pretty good,” Connor says, as they start looking over the menus. 

“It smells good,” Ryan says, already eyeing the well portioned meals of their neighbors. 

The waitress comes by quickly enough to take their orders. Once she’s left with their orders and the menus, Connor asks, “Do you want to get done with our homework now or later?”

“Which part?” he asks. 

“The part where we talk about the people we know who are bonded.”

Ryan sighs. He really doesn’t want to talk about it. He just has to decide whether it’d be worse to do it now or some other time this week. They were on a roll after their therapy session. “Now’s fine.”

“Okay, I guess that means you want me to go first,” Connor says. 

Ryan gives him a flat look, and he grins. 

“My parents aren’t bonded,” Connor says. “Well, not to each other. Mom’s not bonded at all. My dad’s bonded to his best friend. He and his family live a few blocks away from us. They met when they were getting their masters degrees. It’s kind of like having an extra uncle. Don’t really know anyone else with one, like none of my aunts and uncles or anything like that. What about you?”

“Uh, my parents aren’t bonded either,” he says, and it’s not a lie. He’s not even sure if Connor knows his parents are divorced. “Ebs is basically the only person I know that’s bonded. I mean, I know of other bonded people, but like not enough to know anything about their bond.”

“That explains why you went to him about stuff,” Connor says. “What’s he like with his bondmate?”

“Him and Lauren are like the biggest saps. They’ll forget you’re there and just like stare at each other with really dumb faces. I don’t know exactly what they’re doing, but it’s a little funny.”

Connor smiles and shrugs. “I don’t know. I think it sounds nice. My dad and his bondmate aren’t like that at all. They talk all the time.”

“Could be just them or maybe that’s the difference between romantic and platonic,” Ryan says, and then the waitress comes back with their food. 

“Or two guys just aren’t sappy. My dad is not sappy at all, not even with mom. She probably wouldn’t have married him if he was.”

“Really?” he asks, trying to imagine what Connor’s mom is like. 

“I don’t know, like she’s nice and stuff, but she’s always hated chick flicks and that kind of stuff,” he says with a shrug. “Are your parents the sappy type then?”

“Uh, no,” he says. They were more yell and scream at each other types before they mellowed out into frigidly polite to each other types. 

It kills the conversation for a few minutes while they eat. Connor then revives it after clearing his throat. “I’m not sure what Dr. Reid wanted us to get out of this. I guess you know now that I know about a platonic soulbond, but I already told you that I expected one with Dylan anyways. I also already know Ebs, not as well as you do, but I know him.”

Ryan shrugs. “Maybe we know fewer bondmates than the average person. She said something about expectations didn’t she?”

Connor frowns, tapping his fork against his plate. “Yeah, but I don’t feel particularly illuminated or anything after sharing. I mean, I guess I expect a bond like my dad’s?”

“Yeah, but I haven’t seen it so I don’t know how that’s supposed to help us,” he says, and he has more what not to do than what he expects from a soulbond. 

“Yeah, I mean, I just,” Connor says then takes a deep breath in. “I know what what I want looks like from the outside, but I don’t know what it’s really like or how to get there, if that makes sense?”

“That’s more than I’ve got,” Ryan says, grimacing. “I’m just trying not to fuck it up.”

“There’s not anything you want? From the bond, I mean.”

Ryan looks up from his plate to see Connor staring at him. He shakes his head. “Not really. There was always too many downsides.”

“Like what? You’re the only person I know who is so against getting bonded,” he says, curious then he frowns. “And don’t just tell me everything.”

Ryan shrugs. “I don’t like the idea of sharing my emotions. I don’t want to be feeling what someone else is feeling. I don’t like the idea of being tied to someone. It’s not like I want to be alone, but the bond always seemed like too much. It still does a lot of the time.”

Connor nods slowly. “Even when it’s blocked?”

“Yeah.”

“I just wanted someone who would get me, you know?” he admits quietly. “That’s why Stromer made sense to me.”

“You don’t need to be bonded to Stromer for him to get you,” Ryan says. “And that seems to be a lot of the issue for me. No one needs a bond, but I have one. I could just as easily not have one and be totally fine.”

“You don’t  _ need _ it, but most people want it. It’s special because it’s not necessary.”

“Don’t think I need a bond to be special.”

Connor tosses up his hands like he’s being ridiculous. “Neither do I, but it’s special with someone this time, at least.”

Ryan twists his lips. He knows how lonely being number one is, and Connor is the first of firsts. Very little normalcy exists for Ryan, and even less must exist for Connor. “I guess so,” Ryan says with a sigh because that’s still a lot to put on just one person. “Is that what you want from me then? For me to get you?”

“Yeah, that’s definitely still part of it,” he says, shrugging. “I don’t if that’s working yet. You probably get me way more than I get you.”

Ryan makes a so-so motion because it might be true. He’s not sure he gets Connor, but he has experienced being first overall and having a shoulder injury as a rookie. Connor doesn’t know nearly enough about him to get him. “So if that’s part of it, what’s the rest that you want?”

Connor presses his lips together like he isn’t sure that he should say what he’s thinking. “Not sure how to put it. I want us to not have to rely on the block, and I don’t know if that means we need to get more comfortable or trust each other more or something.”

Ryan tries not to feel anxious about that. He focuses on eating his food. 

Connor clears his throat and asks, “What do you want from me? And don’t say like not to be bonded to me or not fuck the bond up or whatever.”

“But I do want you to not fuck up the bond. I know what it takes to break a bond. I may not like bonding, but I would never break a bond. I could never do that to someone. If you did that to me,” he says, and can’t finish it. He’d probably never be able to stand Connor ever again. 

“I won’t,” Connor promises, voice firm. “But I need a little more than just don’t be a douchebag for an expectation. Most people don’t want douchebags.”

“Okay,” he says and sighs. He tries to think of what he wants from Connor, but it’s about as easy as trying to figure out positives for the bond. He takes long enough that Connor starts giving him a look. “I don’t know okay? Nothing specific anyways.”

“That’s not helpful.”

“Yes, Connor, I do realize that it’s a problem.”

“You have a lot of problems.”

“I know. That’s why we’re seeing a therapist.”

“Okay, then maybe,” he says, throwing a hand up like he can physically toss the idea out. “Forget the bondmate part, what do you want out of a partner?”

“A partner?” he asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah, a partner,” he repeats, and it looks a little like he’s flushing. “You have me for life. What do you want from someone you spend your life with?”

That, surprisingly, made Ryan feel less constricted. Bondmates felt off limits, but he had friends he wanted to be friends with for the rest of his life, and he’d at least considered the idea of who he might want to be married to. “Honesty,” he says, nodding to himself. “They have to be honest with me.”

“Okay,” Connor says.

“And,” Ryan says, then suddenly feels self conscious about what he was about to say in a public place, but he has to give Connor something so he quickly changes his response, “I’d want them to have my back. They can’t bail on me.”

“Okay,” Connor says like it’s all simple.

Ryan looks up at him, and he looks serious. The kind of look he wears when he’s decided he’s seen enough and he’s taking the puck and scoring a goal. He can practically see the gears working in Connor’s head as he’s doubtlessly running through everything he already knows about Ryan and working on incorporating this new information to determine how to proceed next. Ryan isn’t sure what to think of Connor’s hockey mind focused on him.

“Okay,” he says.

“I guess that explains why you weren’t happy with my age,” Connor says, finally looking away and eating his food. 

Ryan hadn’t thought of it in those terms, more like he’d been worried he’d have to look after Connor the entire time, but he isn’t wrong. “Yeah.”

“I can handle it,” he insists.

It probably isn’t a good sign for their bond that Ryan doesn’t believe him.

Connor must see that because he straightens up, all challenging. “You don’t have to believe me yet, and maybe you’re even right that I can’t do it right this second, but I’ll do it. I did help you after being separated afterall.”

Ryan flushes at the reminder of how bad he’d been, how much he’d wanted Connor. “Okay, we’ll see what happens.”

Ryan would just hope they wouldn’t have to test that any time soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RNH's parents are for real divorced. I did not make that up for angst. It's mentioned in various articles about him. No idea if it was amicable or not but in case you don't know you have to be separated for a year before you can divorce in Canada so I doubt it was much fun. They seem to visit RNH at the same time though for events he invites them to like horse races according to articles I've read. So yeah, I've cringed at other fics that make his parents out to have a great relationship (also his dad seems like the bad kind of hockey dad but whatever). 
> 
> I think that's all the notes I have for this one.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was such a try hard trying to edit this because while it hit all the big points I wanted it was still like eh this could be better. I can't look at it anymore so here it is.

Things are back to relatively normal after that. Ryan can sleep in his own bed even if he gets chirped by Schultzy for staying at Hallsy’s. They have practice in the morning, and he catches Connor after it for lunch.  They spend most of lunch talking about physical therapy as Connor is well enough to start on it. It‘s a much easier topic for Ryan to talk about than their bond.

He can’t escape it forever though because once he’s home, he has to learn how to create a barrier. He only has a week to get it right if he wants to not get banned from the roadie. He rereads the two packets he has and tries to follow their directions.

He can still find where the bond is in his mind, and he sets up his barrier there. While he has the rest of his mind to work with, it’s a not-space he can’t visualize. He attempts what the packets tell him, but it doesn’t do much of anything. Like with the block, everything feels hard to move. It slips away too easily.

After an hour of great frustration, he gets out his laptop to do some googling. He realizes pretty quickly that written descriptions aren’t giving him much new information which forces him to look for video tutorials. The first video he clicks on, which has by far the most views, features a guy who looks normal, but sounds like a total hippie. He goes on for actual minutes about mindfulness and being in the moment and experiencing it, and Ryan groans. He’d skip to the useful part if he knew where it was.

After the mindfulness, it’s how to sit and remove distractions. Then it’s some theory on the differences between blocks and barriers Ryan could not give less of a fuck about. Then he finally gets to talking about making the actual barriers. The dude in the video describes his mind space and an animation pops up showing what he’s talking about. He talks about a few techniques like visualizing holding something familiar in his hand like his keys to help give his barriers more weight and stability in his mind. He then ends on how he built a picket fence as a barrier because his childhood neighbors had a picket fence. Ryan ends the video as soon as he talks about likes and subscribing.

Ryan skips the bit about practicing mindfulness because it’s dumb, and starts with the sitting and no distractions parts. He refuses to be mean to Sophie and kick her out of the room so he gives her a toy to chew on and keep herself occupied. He doesn’t have the flexibility to sit in lotus position so he sits cross legged. It doesn’t last long because he has skinny and extra knobby skater ankles. It’s too painful to have them pressed against the hardwood floor. He switches through a few positions before he ends up just lying on his back on the floor because it’s the least weird.

Sophie comes over to investigate with her toy in her mouth.

“Don’t judge me,” he tells her. She doesn’t because she’s a good girl and lays down beside him. He sighs and goes back to his visualizations.

He eventually ends up working on imagining a practice hockey ball because while he handles pucks day in and day out, he never touches them with his bare hands. He hasn’t used a hockey ball in a while, but he’d had them lying about everywhere for years for extra stickhandling practice any time anywhere. It’s the only thing the right size he can think of that he’s familiar with. He takes way longer than he’d like to admit to be able to imagine a hockey ball without it melting away like slush.

Connor, of course, has to ask about it at their next lunch. “How’s making the barriers going?”

Ryan sighs, running a hand over his face. “Not great. I can only make a hockey ball.”

“What does that have to do with barriers?”

“It means I’m so bad at visualizations that I have to take a step back and still struggle at imagining a hockey ball,” he says, rapidly failing at not getting frustrated at admitting to not being good at something. 

“I don’t see what a hockey ball has to do with it, but, like, it’s your brain. You can do whatever you want. Just make a barrier,” he says with a lopsided shrug. Ryan guesses his shoulder must be sore from therapy.

“If I could do that, I’d have blocked you,” he points out, “Trying to do this visualization bullshit is like trying to make shit out of mush. It’s the most frustrating thing on the planet.”

“I don’t think that’s quite true,” he says, trying to tamp down on a smile and not really succeeding.

“It’s not funny,” he grouses, stabbing violently at his food.

“Sorry, but this is the worst mood I’ve ever seen you in and it’s over imagining a hockey ball.”

“That’s great, Connor. I’m glad you can enjoy yourself over my misery because not only is this bond the worst fucking thing, I can’t do shit to improve it at all,” he says, smacking his hand on the table and causing his knife to go clattering to the floor. He huffs in frustration but still picks up the knife and sets it down too hard on the table like that will make it stay put.

Connor looks shocked. “Sorry, it wasn’t at you. I don’t think it’s anything to worry about yet. It’s only been day one.”

Ryan doesn’t have the words to explain how done he is with the bond already. It seems designed to bring out the worst in him, every single last ugly bit of it. He has no idea how Connor can want any of it when he’s already sick and tired of it in less than two months. “Whatever.”

It kills the conversation which Ryan doesn’t mind for because he wants lunch over as quickly as possible. He eats as much as he can stomach, finishing well before Connor.

“I didn’t mean to make you upset,” Connor says when they’re leaving. “I thought you were venting, which is fine, not like having a crisis or something. I could help, or try to?”

“I’m not having a crisis,” Ryan says because if he is having one, it’s been going on for over a month.

“Okay, that’s good, but seriously, you sure I can’t help?” he asks, trying to offer a smile. “Make it up to you or something?”

“Don’t think this is something that can be done with two people,” he says, continuing towards his car.

“If you’re sure,” he says, following him.

“I am.”

Connor leans towards him as they’re saying goodbye then must get that Ryan absolutely does not want to be touched right now and pulls away. He leaves with a wave and a half-hearted smile instead.

As much as Ryan would like to pretend the bond didn’t exist, you don’t make it to the NHL without a lot of discipline. This affects his hockey, so he’s back to imagining hockey balls and trying to get to something to act as a barrier. At least he has Sophie for emotional support.

“You’re in a mood,” Hallsy tells him the next day at practice.

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Are three,” Ebs adds in.

“That’s not how it works,” Ryan says, rolling his eyes.

“I thought it was clever,” Ebs says, exaggeratedly sullen.

“Yeah, it was good,” Hallsy says, tapping Ebs. “Nuge is just mean today.”

Ryan scoffs, but thankfully he has a drill to do because he does not want to keep talking about it.

After practice, Hallsy stops him from leaving. “You’re not going to lunch with Davo.”

“Oh? Not sure why you think you know more about my lunch with Connor than me,” Ryan says. “Especially since you’re not invited.”

“Because you’re not having lunch with Davo,” Hallsy says, putting a hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “You’re having lunch with me.”

“Hm, lemme think about it, no,” he says, trying to brush past him.

“Nope, not an option,” Hallsy says, moving with him. “You need a break from this bonding thing and Davo, and I don’t care what your bond therapist thinks. Surely pissing off a doctor is enough to get you to have lunch with me.”

Ryan glares at Hallsy because he knows how much he loves getting around doctors’ orders. “Fine.”

“Sweet, you can ride with me,” he says, grinning like he hasn’t just forced Ryan into lunch with him.

Ryan follows him into his car, letting him pick where they’re going. It takes a few minutes before Hallsy makes a turn that’s not in the direction of their normal lunch spots. “Are you taking me home? I thought we were doing lunch.”

“I never said we were eating out for lunch,” Hallsy says.

“We could have gone with Schultzy.”

“Hey, this is me and you time. Also, I need to get home after so I’m driving. I might have also told Schultzy to fuck off for an afternoon.”

“If you mess up things between me and Schultzy-,”

“You were already on your way dude he said oh thank god sort his shit please so I don’t think he was offended about getting told to fuck off.”

Ryan doesn’t press the issue because he knows Schultzy has been having a shit time of things which Ryan has been able to do fuck all to help with. It’s turning out to be a great season for the both of them.

Sophie greets them when Ryan gets the door open. Hallsy is her favorite after Schultzy so he gets many doggy kisses from her. “I missed you, too,” Hallsy coos at her.

Ryan makes lunch for them which just means heating the pre-made nutritionist approved meals he has on hand. Hallsy directs the conversation away from hockey and bonds and Davo, but Ryan is certain he still has an agenda. Hallsy also helps walk Sophie after lunch meaning he holds the leash but refuses to pick up her poop.

“You gonna say what you came to say?” Ryan asks once they’re back and sitting together on the couch with Sophie between them. She’s got her head on Ryan’s lap, and he’s more than happy to scratch behind her ears.

“I just came to see you,” Hallsy says innocently.

“Yeah, that’s a reason,” Ryan says, rolling his eyes.

“Fine, but you asked for it,” he says, holding up his hands. “You are crazy bent out of shape over this bonding stuff.”

“Really didn’t need your help to figure that out.”

“Then what do you need my help with?” he asks. “I know you don’t like anything about bonding. I get it, dude. Like I’m super happy whoever the hell I’m compatible with has stayed well away. I knew you wouldn’t be happy about it when you first told us, but this is like beyond what I imagined you’d be like.”

Ryan grinds his teeth together. “It’s worse than I thought it would be so I’m not surprised you’d think that.”

Hallsy takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly. “And you’re sure none of it has to do with Davo?”

“What do you mean by that?” he asks. “You think what? That I secretly can’t stand him? You literally saw us together days ago.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he says shaking his head. “I meant more like I don’t think the bond and Davo are all that separate.”

“One’s a psychic link between people and the other is a person. They’re pretty different.”

Hallsy sighs. “Yeah, but you wouldn’t have the link without Davo, okay? Everything you don’t like about the bond or complain about also has everything to do with Davo.”

“No, not necessarily. It’s not like Connor controls the how bonds work or how I feel about them or anything like that.”

“Nuge,” Hallsy says, raising his voice in a way he hardly ever has around Ryan. “He came home yesterday upset and worried that he’d mortally offended you or something. He might be a generational talent or whatever, but he’s still fucking eighteen and looks up to you.”

“I know that. I’m not a fucking idiot. I’m doing the best I can as fast as I can. I know he’s on the other end. That’s why I’m trying so hard,” he says, throwing a hand out.

Sophie whines, and it could be either due to their raised voices or because she can tell Ryan is upset.

Hallsy grimaces. “Well, whatever it is you’re doing isn’t enough. You need to do something different.”

“Are you seriously going to tell me my best isn’t good enough?” he asks, off balance in a way he’s never been around Hallsy. Hallsy’s stood by him the longest out of anyone he’s met in the NHL, and this seems like such a strange thing to give up on him over. “I don’t have anything more to give. I know Connor doesn’t deserve to have to deal with all this, but it’s all I’ve got.”

Hallsy huffs and runs a hand over his head. “I’m not saying your best isn’t good enough or your problems aren’t real or whatever, but you aren’t really talking to me anymore. I’m just getting what Davo is saying, and you’re basically a brick wall to him. He has no idea what your problem is, not that I’m sure I know what it is.”

“It’s complicated,” Ryan says because while he’s had real talks with Hallsy before he doesn’t have real talks about this with anyone. Not stone cold sober anyway.

“I know or you would have fixed it already. It’s just,” he shakes his head like he’s amazed by what he’s about to stay. “All he ever talks about with me is you. He just wants you to like him. I know you come off super neutral to people who don’t know you, but I figured at this point he’d be able to tell. I’m trying to help here, but I’ve got nothing to work with.”

“Oh,” he says, now embarrassed that Connor is spending that much time talking to Hallsy about him because Hallsy knows too much. “We talk every day. I’m not sure what there’s not to get. I do hockey 90% of the time same as him.”

“Uh, Nuge, what part of he actually wants you as a bondmate don’t you get? He doesn’t just want your hockey.”

Ryan flushes. “He did ask to spend more time with me.”

“That’s what I mean. He wants this, and you don’t, and it’s going to mess you both up if you can’t change something about how you’re doing this. I don’t need to be a bond therapist to figure that out.”

“That’s not true.”

“Which part?”

“The not wanting it part, sort of. It’s happened. I’m bonded, and I’m not going to break it. So I’m trying to like it or at least be ok with it if I can’t do that.”

“Okay, but do you even like Davo?”

“What do you mean?” he asks, wondering what having a crush on Connor would have to do with anything. Bonds can be platonic, and Ryan’s pretty sure theirs is. Or he’s really hoping it is because it would make everything easier.

“Like would you call him a friend? You should be able to figure that one out if you’ve been talking every day for over a month.”

“Sure,” he says, and it comes out way weaker than he intended it to.

“You don’t sound sure. There’s no bitter resentment bubbling up from anywhere?”

“No, not towards him anyway. I don’t know. The bond makes it complicated.”

“Okay,” Hallsy says, shifting in his seat. “So, pretend there isn’t a bond. Remember however you felt about him before you got bonded and add what he’s been like since October. Is that still someone you want to talk to every day or whatever?”

Ryan had really only known Connor for a month or a little more before they got bonded, from training camp to the game in Dallas. Everything had become tense and fraught for Ryan since. The only time it didn’t feel that way had been those twenty-four hours he’d spent with Connor when relief had overridden his worries. Would he want to talk to Connor daily if they weren’t bonded though? Probably, Ryan thinks, it had been so easy before they’d almost been talking daily anyway.

Maybe Connor had a point about the bond being just them. He’s not sure why it was the two of them that had some exceptional compatibility. He’d have picked Drat for Connor if it was going to be someone he started talking daily to out of camp. Drat probably didn’t have nearly as many issues about bonding, too.

“Yeah,” Ryan tells Hallsy. “Pretty sure we’d be friends if we hadn’t bonded.”

“Are you saying you aren’t friends now?” he asks, frowning. “My point was that you’d like Davo without the bond so you should act like you like him even if you are bonded. Your bond shouldn’t get in the way of being nice to him.”

“Okay, maybe we are friends, and I should work on being a better friend to him, but that’s definitely not all we are,” he says, shrugging helplessly. “We’re bondmates, and I’ve been trying to be a better bondmate to him which is definitely where my priority should be.”

Hallsy makes a disgusted noise like he always does when Ryan makes a good point against him. “This is why you’re my worst rookie. You say some smart shit when I think I have a good point. Seriously though, being nicer and friendlier to Davo should be on your list of how to bondmate better.”

Ryan almost says something smart back before he remembers that he does have that list. “Yeah, okay, I can add it. Maybe you should put in a good word to Connor for me since you ruined our normal lunch date.”

“That’s your job. Treat him to a nice apology dinner.”

It’s honestly not the worst idea, so Ryan calls Connor after Hallsy leaves to invite him to dinner. Connor says yes so Ryan takes him to a place with great food and a good bit less casual than where they’ve been going for lunch.

Connor gives him a look after they sit down, and he’s taken in the place. “So this is a step up. Is this because Hallsy took our normal time or?”

“I mean, that and getting upset earlier. I shouldn’t have taken my frustrations out on you, sorry.”

“Oh, uh, I kind of thought that was my fault, so I wasn’t really upset with you or anything,” he says awkwardly then rushes out with, “I still like doing this though. It’s nice.”

“Already acquiring an expensive taste?” he asks, defaulting to teasing because this was supposed to be an apology dinner and now it’s kind of just eating at a nice restaurant.

“It’s not that expensive,” he says defensively, holding up the menu.

Ryan laughs and begins to settle, telling himself that the bond is just them and that he should be friendly. They order their food, and it’s as good as Ryan remembers it being. His little mantra about the bond being just them must work because talking with Connor is easier than it has been in a while.

“This was nice,” Connor says again when they’ve finished their meals. “Really.”

“It’s just dinner,” Ryan says as he pays because it’s really not the worst bill he’s ever paid for a dinner.

“I know, but it means you’re opening up to other times.”

Ryan mouths ‘opening up to other times’ to himself, trying to figure out what Connor’s talking about.

“Other than lunch for meeting up. I know you did this because of Hallsy, but you’re still going to spend more time with me, right? Like you said?”

Connor looks so hopeful it’s painful. Ryan nods. “Yeah, yes, I will.”

“Good,” Connor says, smiling and relieved.

“Don’t freak out when I say this, but it might be a little difficult to do it this week at least,” Ryan admits with a sigh.

“But you’re gone next week,” he says, his smile already gone.

“Yes, I know, but I’m really bad at making barriers. I need time so I don’t get messed up on the next trip.”

Connor nods, “I know.”

Connor gets up from the table, but not fast enough to totally hide his disappointment. Ryan doesn’t know how much is about him or just that first overalls are not great with delayed gratification. He follows after Connor, grabbing his arm once they’re out of the restaurant. “It’s not forever, just a week. I’ll see you after. We can spend as much time together then as you want, but I need to get the barriers right first. We have to do all this bonding stuff correctly.”

“Spending time with me is also how you do bonding correctly,” he argues, sounding like his age for once.

Ryan lets him go. “Not spending time with you won’t hurt me until I’m out of town. Trying to goad me like that doesn’t make spending time with you seem more worthwhile than working on building barriers.”

“Ryan,” he says, now sounding apologetic. “I didn’t mean-.”

“I don’t care what you meant,” he says, turning away from him. Connor had wanted something and acted like a brat when Ryan didn’t give it to him immediately. They’d all been like that when they’d come up, him, Hallsy, Yak. Even Drat had had shades of it his rookie year. Didn’t matter what it was they’d all thought they could get it because they were special. It’s a lot harder to think you’re special when there’s three others of you around; none of you doing the job you’d been hired to do.

“Ryan, please,” Connor says, grabbing his arm and trying to turn him back. “I’m sorry.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Connor,” he says, pulling his arm free. He gets into his car before Connor can say anything more.

Ryan’s over their argument, if it’s even a big enough deal to call it that, by the time he sees Connor again for lunch. Connor is nervous going into it, but quickly relaxes when he realizes Ryan doesn’t see it as that big of an issue. He doesn’t bother Ryan again for more time either which he appreciates. Ryan just spends an embarrassing amount of his free time working on building a barrier. He has to force himself to invite Connor over after practice to test them the day before they meet with Dr. Reid again.

“Why are you being weird?” Ryan asks Connor when he comes over and takes forever taking off his shoes and continues to hang by the door.  “It’s not because of Sophie is it?”

Sophie is busy trying to jump on Ryan and lick his face like he’d been gone for years and years and not a few hours.

“No, I love dogs,” he says, petting Sophie to prove it when she decides to start sniffing at their visitor.

“Okay,” he says. “We should probably do this in the living room.”

“What about Schultzy?”

“He’s out for the afternoon. He doesn’t want any part of this bonding stuff,” he says, and he really doesn’t blame him. He pets Sophie when she bounds up and joins him.

“So what exactly do I need to do?” he asks as he sits down on the couch.

“Well, you take down the block and then after that the packets said to reach out to me, but I’m not totally sure how you do that,” he says, sitting down on the other end of the couch. He pulls his legs up to sit facing Connor. Sophie takes it as an invitation to sit in his lap, and he has to nudge her a little so he can still sit properly and see Connor. “You’re not that small, Soph.”

Connor smiles at the two of them. “So do you think that that’s kind of like what Dr. Reid was trying to get us to do?”

“Probably,” he says with a shrug. “Just do that, and I’ll tell you if there’s a problem or to stop or whatever.”

“Okay, well, I’m just going to do it then,” he says, closing his eyes.

Ryan already has his barriers up. He’d made them like a privacy fence, but just because they look like a privacy fence doesn’t mean they’re as strong or as sturdy as one. He still can tell when Connor drops the block. It’s still like the sound coming back on, but instead of right next to him like normal it’s as if it’s from a room away from him. Connor looks at him, and he nods.

It takes only a moment for Connor to knock the barrier down. “Oh, that felt like something,” he says.

Ryan can sense his curiosity and confusion, bubbling and sticky sitting at the edge of his mind. Connor’s at least polite enough to keep from pushing in any further.

“You’re disappointed,” Connor says, and worry comes through, sliding along the bottom like mist off dry ice.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re not supposed to go down like that,” he says. “Hold on.”

He has to nudge Sophie off him so he can get to the coffee table where he’d left the packets. He flips through the one on barriers until he gets to the page he wants. “Yeah, I’m supposed to be able to tell that you’re there, but I should also be able to keep you out against a push,” he paraphrases. “It doesn’t say for like how long or how many pushes. Barriers are supposed to be breakable compared to blocks, but it shouldn’t be instantaneous if I want to cordon off the pit or whatever.”

“So you’ve been working on this all week, and that’s as far as you’ve gotten?” Connor asks.

“Yes,” Ryan says icily.

“I’m not judging,” he says, holding up his hands. “You don’t need to get all stabby with your anger.”

Ryan frowns. “I wasn’t trying to stab you with it.”

“It felt like pricks though.”

“No, nerves or anxiety feels like prickling, not anger. Anger is heat.”

“Whatever, what I meant was I don’t understand how it’s so easy for one person and so difficult for another when it’s just like imagining things,” he says, sitting forward on the couch. “Like, here, try it against me.”

Suddenly, it’s like Connor’s in another room again.

“You’re sure?” Ryan asks.

“Yes,” he says, nodding.

“Okay.”

He reaches out for Connor over the bond and quickly comes to a stop. Whatever Connor has imagined it certainly feels more like a wall than anything Ryan’s been able to build.

“See,” Connor says. “Why does it take like two seconds for me, but forever for you?”

“I don’t know,” he says, narrowing his eyes and focusing on Connor. “Can I try something? Just don’t take the barrier down.”

“Sure,” he says easily.

He inspects Connor’s wall for some time, trying to figure out how he can feel a wall that Connor’s imagined when there’s no ground in the mind. Why can a wall keep Ryan from sensing Connor’s feelings when emotions could go spilling over or under it? Can’t he just go around it?

Ryan flinches when shock and confusion flashes and billows up around him from Connor. It’s much stronger than it had ever been before, like he’s in the middle of it rather than just sensing it over the bond. Dr. Reid must really know what she’s doing because it’s so much clearer than before they’d blocked it off.

“How’d you do that?” Connor asks, getting up from the couch. The shock and confusion clears, giving way to his sticky curiosity. “The barrier is still there.”

“You made a wall,” he says, and some cloudy confusion returns from Connor. “I don’t have to break it to get past it.”

“You went over the barrier,” he says, and the confusion disappears again. “That probably has something to do with why you can’t make one. Like whatever makes you think to go around than through affects how you think them up or something.”

“But I need to get it right if I want to not get messed up on the roadie.”

Connor puts a hand on his shoulder and whatever soothing emotion Connor’s come up with comes through so strongly that it’s like Connor’s thrown a blanket over him. “I have an idea so maybe you won’t need to.”

“What? You gonna ask to come along with us?” he asks, and the Oilers would probably let him. Dr. Reid would back them up. It sounds like defeat.

“No, I was thinking I could maybe visit Stromer,” he says, shrugging like it’s casual, but Ryan can feel that he’s nervous about bringing it up. “He’s back in Erie, and you guys are going to be out east. It’d be two birds and one stone.”

Ryan nods. “That would probably work. You’d also be in a better position to come if there was a problem. Why would you be nervous about asking for that?”

“Oh,” he says, flushing as well as twisting with embarrassment in the bond. “I don’t know. It didn’t go so well the last time I talked to you about him.”

“That wasn’t because of him,” he says, sitting back down next to Sophie and petting her. “Visiting him would probably be good.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I visit my friends in Red Deer when I get injured. Well, some of them are in university now in Edmonton, but yeah.”

“So you’d be okay with meeting him someday?” Connor asks, and his hope appears, bright and gleaming.

“Yeah, sure.”

Connor’s happiness is damn near overwhelming, sunshine and fresh ice and crisp air, and Ryan suddenly understands why someone might want this, get lost in it.

“Do you have to be so much?” he asks when it doesn’t seem to fade.

“I don’t think it’s my fault this time. You came in closer than you ever have before when you went around the barrier.  It’s like I can feel you in the middle of my chest,” he says, running his hand over his sternum.

“Why didn’t you say something then if it’s so uncomfortable?” he asks, trying to pull out. He hits the barrier again, but this time it feels like a wall at his back rather than in front of him.

Some of the happiness clouds over with confusion. “It’s not uncomfortable.”

“It isn’t?” he asks, pausing at trying to get out.

“No,” he says, smiling at him and sitting down beside him instead of on the other side of Sophie where there was more room. “Pretty sure that’s where you’re supposed to be normally.”

“In your chest?” he asks, glancing down then back up to Connor’s face.

“Yeah, like in the last session with Dr. Reid with the block down you seemed far away and small and muddled. Now it’s like you’re actually here and coming in clearly.”

The reminder is enough for Ryan to tug hard enough to break through Connor’s barrier, or else it’s easier to get out than in.

“Don’t please,” Connor says, latching onto his wrists as well as sending desperation circling around him, clinging and cloying.

“I don’t like being open like this it’s-.”

“I know, okay?” he says, sounding both scared and like he’s trying to soothe him. Or maybe some of that Ryan is getting through the bond. “I can feel it.”

“I know. That’s the problem. It’s too,” he has to search for a word. “Exposed.”

“What do you think I’m going to do? So what if I can feel your emotions? I’m your bondmate,” he says, staring at Ryan searchingly.

“I don’t know,” he grinds out. “Block it off.”

“Ryan,” he says pleadingly, gripping his wrist more tightly. Even his emotions seem to be holding onto him too tightly.

“Block it off,” he repeats more harshly.

Connor swallows, shrinking back and looking away. The block returns, closing off Connor’s presence, and Ryan can breathe again. He stands up, pulling out of Connor’s hold. “We’ll see Dr. Reid tomorrow then you can visit your friend in Erie, and then I’ll see you after the roadie.”

“Ryan,” he says, standing up, but Ryan moves away, heading for the front door. “What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing except get bonded to me,” he says, and motions for Connor to leave. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Connor says, defeated at least for the moment.

Ryan takes a shuddering breath after he leaves. Sophie whines, sensing his distress. He pets her and murmurs that he’s fine until she calms down. He only feels cracked open and like he needs to wrap himself up and cover it all away until there’s nothing left to see. So, fine.

He can’t think about the bond, Connor, barriers, any of it. So he does the one thing he knows to work for that kind of thing. He throws himself into hockey. First doing a full work out then onto watching tape, just anything to keep himself occupied for as long as possible. Practice the next morning is both a blessing and a curse as the hockey helps, but Dr. Reid and Connor wait for him afterwards. It reminds him of when his parents were divorcing and his father and older brother would still be there after hockey finished.

He finds Connor in the hall waiting for him after he’s showered and dressed again. “You okay?” Connor asks.

“I’m fine,” he says, knowing he looks and sounds it.

Connor gives him a look like he doesn’t believe him. Ryan wonders when he became able to tell as few people could. For all Connor complains he isn’t there or avoiding him, Ryan certainly seems to have given plenty of himself to him.

“Hello, how has your week been?” Dr. Reid asks, only glancing at them while she works on getting her pen and a pad of paper out of her tote bag.

“Fine,” Ryan answers when Connor doesn’t.

Dr. Reid narrows her eyes at them, and it’s sort of like a standoff while they all take their normal seats. “And the bond? What’s your plan for the road trip?”

Ryan looks to Connor, but Connor only looks down at his feet not saying anything. “Uh, I tried doing the barrier thing, but I’m still not very good at it so Connor thought he’d visit his friend, Dylan Strome, who is in Erie so we’ll at least both be out east.”

“The friend Connor thought he would bond with?” she asks, raising her eyebrows.

“Yeah,” Connor says, finally answering.

“And you’re okay with that, Ryan?” she asks.

“Yeah, unless you think it would be worse for the bond than him staying here,” he answers with a shrug.

“If that’s not the problem then what is?” she asks, looking between the two of them. “And don’t tell me there isn’t one because you’re both acting off.”

Ryan looks to Connor again, hoping he’ll say something. When he doesn’t, he tries, “Variations on the same theme?”

“What does that mean?” Dr. Reid asks.

“He’s saying he thinks it’s his fault,” Connor says, finally speaking up. “Honestly, I just have no idea what the problem is, so I was just going to let him talk.”

“You aren’t mad?” Ryan asks cautiously.

“No,” he says with a shrug.

“What would he have to be mad about?” Dr. Reid asks.

Ryan looks to Connor again because they’re his feelings, but Connor looks right back at him, stubborn and resolute about not talking. He looks to Dr. Reid, and her looking at him like she’s trying to x-ray him doesn’t really help his nerves. “Uh, well, I kind of kicked him out of my house yesterday,” he says, scratching at his wrist. “I also couldn’t spend more time when he asked for it this past week because I was trying to do the barrier thing. Which didn’t even work anyways. He was definitely upset about it when it happened.”

Dr. Reid tilts her head for a moment like she’s processing what he said. “I’m going to ask a few questions for context, okay?”

“Okay,” Ryan says, and Connor nods.

“So Connor asked to spend more time with you. When did that happen?”

“After he got back from the last road trip when he spent the night with me,” Connor says.

“So before you saw me,” she says, adding a note. “And did Ryan agree to it?”

“Yes,” Ryan answers.

“Then he took it back like two days later without actually changing anything,” Connor adds.

“Yeah when I realized that doing the barrier thing was going to be way more difficult than I thought,” he says to Connor then turns to Dr. Reid. “It’s not my fault that it takes forever for me to make a barrier when it takes him two seconds.”

“He is correct about that,” Dr. Reid tells Connor calmly. “Some people have an easier time with making blocks and barriers, and some people never get the hang of it. So did you not meet up at all or still did lunches?”

“Still did lunches,” Ryan answers while Connor lets out a frustrated sigh.

She makes a face at that then quickly smoothes it over. “Okay, then was Connor over at your house for testing the barriers?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you normally eat out for lunch?”

“Yes.”

“And how many times have you been over to each other’s homes?”

“Once each.”

“And why did you kick Connor out?” she asks. “Did he do something hurtful or inappropriate?”

Connor gives Ryan a challenging stare. Ryan shakes his head. “No, he didn’t.”

“Then why?” she asks.

“The bond was overwhelming. Kicking him out maybe wasn’t the nicest thing to do or what he deserved, but,” he paused and shrugged. “I needed to do it.”

Dr. Reid raises an eyebrow and even Connor doesn’t seem to believe the explanation.

“He definitely freaked out before kicking me out,” Connor says.

She nods then folds her hands together and focuses on Ryan again. “I think these are related problems so I want to ask, did you really need to spend all that time on practicing with the barrier? You really couldn’t spend any more time with Connor?”

“Yes. I spent pretty much all of my free time on it and didn’t have shit to show for it. Connor went through it like it was tissue paper after hours and hours of work. I get that spending time with Connor is important and what he wants and nice or whatever, but this is my health and safety on the line right? How am I supposed to like the bond better if I feel like shit on every roadie or get hurt because of it?” Ryan asks, annoyed because this was the same argument he had with Hallsy.

“Okay, and you’re right,” she says, voice back to calm and soothing. “I was trying to determine if emotional availability was the problem. If you were avoiding spending extra time with Connor to avoid building a stronger relationship with him, then maybe. But I believe you when you say you did need that time to work on barriers.”

“He did get pissed earlier in the week when he started realizing how difficult it was for him,” Connor confirms.

“That said, while it isn’t the cause of that problem, I think it might still contribute to the second issue.”

“Isn’t emotional availability just a fancy way of saying someone’s acting like a dick?” Ryan asks.

Dr. Reid looks at them like she just realized she’s talking to two young pro male athletes about emotions. “Right, well, emotional availability is like describing what kind of dick someone is behaving like.”

Connor makes a small, shocked noise which is fair because even Ryan finds it a little surreal that a doctor just said the word dick.

She clears her throat and says, “Emotional availability is describing how open someone is to the full range of emotions. Nobody can be emotionally available all the time. That’s an unrealistic expectation. Sometimes, someone needs time to recover from an event or has a higher priority than the maintenance of a relationship. They, for whatever reason for whatever amount of time, can’t emotionally connect with their partner. Sometimes, they’ll sabotage or avoid the relationship when the time comes to start developing intimacy.”

“Oh,” Ryan says, and he can definitely see how it applies to every romantic relationship he’s ever had. He can also see why it could be a potential problem in a bond for him.

“Do you recognize that behavior?” she asks, fixing him with a searching look. Connor’s also looking at him with a kind of hurt puppy look.

“Yeah, in some past relationships, but I’m not sure it’s happening now with the bond?” Ryan tries. “Or at least not all of what’s happening?”

“What makes you say that?” she asks.

Ryan takes in a deep breath and lets it out trying to think of what to say, how to explain it. “It’s the bond. I don’t know really what to say other than that. Like, right now how long I’ve known Connor, half of it was before the bond and half of it was after. Before, it was fine. We were basically talking daily and getting along fine. Like, I think we’d be in a better place now than if we had bonded, like it was working better when we weren’t trying.”

“Would you agree with that Connor?”

Connor shrugs. “It definitely seemed easier before, but I don’t know how it would compare to now, you know.”

“Do you both find the bond difficult?” she asks. “I know you were in different places coming into it, but just thinking about how it’s been for you to learn about it and live with, has it been difficult?”

“Yes,” Ryan answers. There were no breaks or respites from it.

“Yeah, like the blocking seems like the only easy part,” Connor says.

“What are you finding so difficult about it?”

Ryan looks to Connor to see if he wants to go first, but he’s looking at him. Ryan turns to Dr. Reid and says, “Pretty much everything. I’m trying to get over it, but it’s so hard to knowing that it isn’t necessary. It just seems like designed to be the worst thing.”

She gives him a concerned look but says, “Alright, let’s hear from Connor before we get into that. What’s difficult about it for you?”

Connor runs a hand through his hair. “Expectations is maybe the best way to say it. Like it not being like what I thought it would be, and then like it just changing so much so fast between me and Ryan.”

Connor then shoots him a worried glance and looks down at the floor. “It’s also not that easy to see how it’s affecting Ryan and not really be able to do anything about it when it’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault,” Ryan says immediately before Dr. Reid could lead into anything else.

“You wouldn’t be bonded if not for me, or if I were normal we’d have had a few more years, or if just anything was different-,”

“So? All that could be said of me too, but I came in with issues about the bond, and those weren’t your fault.”

“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have to deal with it if it wasn’t for me.”

“Well, I don’t blame you,” he says, crossing his arms.

Connor doesn’t have anything to say to that.

Dr. Reid clears her throat. “While I’m glad to hear that, it might be beneficial to both myself and Connor to hear you explain what your issues with the bond actually are.”

Ryan tenses, wanting to clam up. He doesn’t talk about this, leaving it at that he doesn’t want a bond. He’s especially not ready for it after feeling like he got cracked open the day before. “The binding part of the bond, that I’m literally bound to someone. That there’s no room for take backs or mistakes in that. That there’s no easy way to be like no thanks this isn’t for me. That I didn’t get to choose who it was to. I especially don’t like having it open which I think is different to being emotionally unavailable because that means like not sharing, but in the bond there isn’t a choice in sharing or not. It’s like getting spied on. And then on top of all that, I can’t make a barrier or block or anything to save my life so I can’t stop the spying if I wanted to.”

Connor looks horrified, but Dr. Reid nods. She says, “You feel that your autonomy and privacy have been violated in having an unexpected bond you can’t close off.”

Ryan nods jerkily.

She sighs, setting aside her notepad. “I think we can skip our usual exercise this week. I wish we had more time to discuss this, but we unfortunately don’t have the time. We’ll have to wait until our next session.”

“Okay,” he says, getting up and leaving because he just feels far too overexposed. None of the reasons he listed were even the biggest problem he had with bonds, and it’s still too much.

“Ryan, wait,” Connor says, catching him by the wrist in the hall and tugging him back towards him. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

Ryan can see his sincerity in the apology. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

He pulls free and continues leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm with Nuge on mindfulness sounding like some bullshit, and I definitely don't think it's a cure all. That said, mindfulness isn't necessarily something you need to actively practice or work at to be able to do it. I play hockey, and there is no way there's enough time to be standing there thinking your thoughts. You just have to do it and be in the moment. So I think at least in this AU Nuge has a lot of experience with being in the moment and being physically aware of himself, but he lacks a lot of emotional self awareness given that he doesn't even admit or address his problems to himself. Sucks for Nuge because mindfulness is big in CBT and DBT so it's definitely going to make a comeback. 
> 
> Can you believe I thought I'd be at Nuge's broken hand by chapter 5, but it's still two months away in universe? I hope you like long fics. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a lot easier to edit than the last one after I got rid of entire scene that just was not doing much of anything. So here it is.

At first, the roadie seems great. He’s away from Connor and Dr. Reid, and the pit is much better with Connor out east as well as having barriers up. He feels stretched thin, but not like he’s going to fall into a black abyss. Then, Connor begins sending him and the group chats they’re both in pictures of him with Dylan Strome with little captions. Ryan makes it about halfway through the trip before trudging to Hallsy’s room. 

“What’s up with you?” Hallsy asks in a concerned way when he shows up in his comfort clothes. “Is this the pit thing again?”

Ryan just shuffles past him then face plants onto the bed. “No,” he finally answers. 

“Then are you going to tell me what the problem actually is?”

Ryan can hear Hallsy coming around to stand at the bedside. “I’m a terrible bondmate.”

He huffs and asks, “What makes you say that?”

“Connor’s happier without me,” he admits even though it hurts to say. He’s not saying he’s surprised. Just that he wishes he weren’t dragging Connor down with him.

Hallsy doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Not sure how you know that since you’re blocked and separated, like did he tell you?”

“He doesn’t have to,” he grumbles. “You’ve seen all the pics haven’t you? He’s happy in all of them.”

“Oh my god, you dumbass,” he says before dropping down onto the bed beside Ryan. “He’s visiting his friend who he hasn’t seen for a few months and smiling in pictures with him. Of course he looks happy.”

“He’s never that happy with me.”

“You’re never that happy with anyone.”

Ryan doesn’t have to be looking at him to know he’s rolling his eyes. 

“That’s not true,” he says, twisting around to glare at him. “I’m happy with plenty of people.”

Hallsy doesn’t answer for a few moments, and Ryan goes back to hiding his face in the pillow. “But not with Davo since you bonded to him or you wouldn’t be having problems,” he says quietly. 

“Trust me, I wish more than anyone that I could just be happy about it like a normal fucking person, but I just feel sick anytime I think about it.”

Hallsy sighs. “What do you want from me, Nuge? I mean, I definitely hear you, but I’ve got nothing to help you with.”

“Just need to listen to me complain.”

“Yeah, sure, why not?” he says, adjusting the pillows so he can lean comfortably against the headboards. “I already hear it all from Davo, why not you too and get the full picture.”

“Sorry.”

“You’re fine, Nugget,” he says, and ruffles Ryan’s hair for good measure.

Ryan sighs and doesn’t say anything for a few moments, just collecting all of his terrible thoughts. “Do you think bonds ever make mistakes? I mean, you can bond to more than one person so is one of them a mistake?”

“Pretty sure something that can’t think can’t make a mistake. It just is. You’re compatible or you aren’t and some people are compatible with more than one person.”

“Well, I don’t see how me and Connor are compatible. I don’t see how I could be compatible with anyone.”

“I highly doubt that you and Davo are the first people to get bonded without any compatibility,” Hallsy says, rubbing Nuge’s shoulder, the bad one. “I’ve got a question for you and I want you to take it seriously.”

“Okay.”

“If you’re so miserable about it, why don’t you just break the bond?” 

Ryan rolls away from him to stare at him in shock. “What the fuck, Hallsy?”

“If you think you both don’t like it, why not?”

“It’s not like a no fault divorce where you both agree and separate for a year and then it’s gone,” he snaps. “There’s a reason it’s a soulbond and not a soul marriage. You’re bound!”

“Okay so what does it actually take to break a bond then?” he asks, unbothered by Ryan’s anger. 

“Didn’t you learn anything from Crosby and Giroux?”

He shrugs. “They were mostly over it and dicking around with each other with it at Worlds.”

Ryan sits back on his heels. “You have to hurt your bondmate and mean it to break it. Do you want me to do that to Connor? Don’t you have any idea what it might do to us? Or any of the people around us? It’s not even a fucking guarantee if Crosby can break Giroux’s wrists and still not break the bond.”

“It’s really that bad?” he asks quietly, looking shocked. 

“Yes, and I will  _ never _ do it,” he hisses. 

“Fuck, Nuge, I’m sorry. What are you going to do instead?”

“I don’t know,” he says, anger rushing out of him. He drops back down on the bed to lie next to Hallsy. “I’d hoped I’d be better by now, but I don’t think I’ve changed at all. I thought...I don’t know.”

“Sorry,” he says, and it’s nice even if it doesn’t do anything. 

Ryan sighs, and doesn’t say anything more. Hallsy puts his hand back on his shoulder. He doesn’t say anything either. Ryan focuses on not thinking about anything because if he does he’ll just feel worse. 

“I don’t want to keep us miserable,” he says after some long time, and he sounds like he’s been crying, tight and fragile, even if he hasn’t cried at all. 

“I don’t know anymore than you do.”

Ryan forces himself back into normalcy in the morning. He at least doesn’t break again for the rest of the roadie. He rides to Hallsy’s with him and Gazzy and doesn’t act like an addict needing his next fix during the ride this time. None of that stops him from feeling like he’s been put together when Connor opens the door, smiles, and tells him, “Hey.”

“Smooth,” Hallsy says, rolling his eyes and pushing past both of them with his luggage. 

“No blocking the walkway please,” Gazzy says from behind Ryan, and he gets out of the way. 

Ryan goes to put his bags up in the guest room, but Connor puts a hand on his arm and stops him. Ryan turns back to him with a questioning look. Connor slides his hand down to his wrist, tightening his grip, so Ryan drops his bags. 

Connor smiles and gathers him up in a hug.

“I thought it wasn’t so bad this time,” Ryan says like he isn’t hugging him just as tightly. 

“It wasn’t, but still,” he says. He doesn’t so much squeeze Ryan tighter as press his body closer to Ryan’s. He makes a quiet noise of satisfaction before letting Ryan go.

Connor doesn’t follow Ryan up when he dumps his bag in the guest room. He hopes that he doesn’t get used to the room. He’s back down first, finding Connor in the kitchen with a spread of take out menus. 

“What do you think everyone will want?” Connor asks. 

“Thai,” he answers even though he knows Hallsy doesn’t like Thai food. 

Connor gives him a look. “We’ve never had Thai.”

Hallsy comes running down the stairs because he’s a developing a sixth sense for when Ryan tries to pull shit on him. He looks at Ryan and Connor suspiciously. Ryan keeps his face neutral, but poor Connor looks concerned. “Hi?” Connor asks Hallsy. 

“Hi,” Hallsy says. “I just remembered that I don’t trust Nugget to order food.”

“I don’t know why,” Ryan says, shrugging. 

“Then why do I always end up with menus to Thai places when I don’t like that shit?”

“No idea.”

Hallsy walks around to Connor then pushes him and the menus down along the counter away from Ryan. Ryan finally cracks and starts laughing. 

“Don’t let Nugget order food for you because he’ll get shit you don’t like and then you’ll have to order an entirely separate meal if you want to have any dinner,” Hallsy tells Connor. 

“Why are you so weird?” Connor asks, looking between them. 

“But I only do that for you, Hallsy,” Ryan says, trying to sound like he’s sweet talking him. 

“You’re not cute enough for that to work on me,” Hallsy says then turns away from him. “Just order a couple pizzas.”

“Okay, sure,” he says. “What do you want on it?”

“Veggie pizza but no olives,” Ryan answers. 

Hallsy makes a grossed out face, “Meat lovers all the way.” 

“What does Gazzy want?” Connor asks. 

“The same,” Hallsy says. “Not lying, I’m not Nuge.”

“Okay,” he says, pulling out the pizza menu and calling them. 

While he’s ordering, Hallsy gives him a significant look. Ryan sends him a look to say he has no idea what he’s trying to say. Hallsy then exaggeratedly looks towards Connor. Ryan tilts his head. Hallsy sighs and gives up. 

Gazzy makes his way down by the time Connor finishes ordering. “What’d we get?”

“Meat lovers pizza for everyone except for Nuge who got veggie pizza like a weirdo,” Hallsy says. 

“Cool, I got dibs on picking a movie,” Gazzy says, leading the way to the living.

“But you take forever to pick,” Hallsy complains.

“I like to know my choices.”

Ryan isn’t too concerned about it because he plans on falling asleep on whatever they watch after finishing his pizza. He wonders if Connor will sit so close to him if he gave him space when he arrived, and then Connor sits down so close to him he’s only about an inch off from sitting in his lap.

“Hi,” Ryan says, kind of implying he’s a little too close. 

“Hi,” Connor says, leaning back and either missing or ignoring Ryan’s tone.

“There’s a whole couch you know.”

“Here’s fine,” Connor says lightly. “Unless you didn’t miss me enough all of last week then I can go sit with Hallsy.”

“I missed you, Davo,” Hallsy tosses in, but he’s giving Ryan a look like he had in the kitchen. 

Connor smiles at Hallsy then looks at Ryan expectantly. 

“It’s fine,” Ryan says, but he doesn’t lean back against the couch and be completely pressed up against Connor. 

Gazzy settles on a movie by the time pizza arrives. Hallsy answers the door and brings all the pizzas back. 

“Your nasty pizza,” he says, dropping it into Ryan’s lap as he passes him. The rest he sets on the coffee table, only opening up the top one. 

“Thanks,” Ryan says dryly. He opens his personal pizza and is pleased to see there really aren’t any olives. “Get any napkins though?”

Hallsy sighs heavily getting up again right after sitting down. He goes to the kitchen, comes back, and chucks a roll of paper towels at Ryan’s head. 

“See, this is why I have to order Thai food,” Ryan tells Connor as he goes to retrieve the paper towels. 

“I do that because you order Thai food,” Hallsy says, dropping back down into his spot. 

“Just ignore them,” Gazzy says, and he already has his first slice out and ready to be eaten. He hits play on the movie. 

Connor only moves marginally, as in an inch, away from Ryan after grabbing a couple slices of pizza. Ryan passes the paper towels around after he grabs a couple for himself. He makes most of his way through the pizza over the course of the movie. Connor, on the other hand, eats only a few slices then curls up against Ryan’s side. It’s half the reason Ryan eats so much. So he can be busy with something and try to ignore how over the past few days Connor had been sending him photos of himself similarly pressed up against Dylan Strome. 

He gets a brief moment of relief when he gets up to set up a little prank. Hallsy, like all hockey players, is a creature of habit. He charges his phone in the same place every evening and away from himself to make sure he takes a break from it. He’s also an idiot who forgets to change his passcode when Ryan has done the same prank for the past two years on the same night. 

“You didn’t go the bathroom,” Connor tells him when he sits back down. “What were you doing?”

“Why do you know that?” Ryan asks, checking to make sure Hallsy isn’t listening. 

“The toilet on this floor sounds like an extremely loud and embarrassing train,” he reminds him. 

“Right, well, it’s a surprise. Don’t worry about it.”

Connor judges him for a minute before going back to using his shoulder as a pillow.

Hallsy gives him another significant look after they finish the movie. Ryan glares back at him. He sighs and helps Gazzy with clean up. Ryan doesn’t want to stick around and risk anymore late night conversations. He nudges Connor up and off of him. “Time for bed.”

“Okay,” he says, getting up. 

Ryan follows him upstairs, but then Connor stops at the top stair. “What?” he asks. 

Connor waits until he can hear both Hallsy’s and Gazzy’s doors shut. “Sorry, I figured I should ask this time. Can I, y’know?”

It takes Ryan a second to realize he’s asking to sleep, literally, with him. “I...do you really think it’s necessary?” he asks. “It really wasn’t as bad as last time.”

“I don’t know, maybe,” he says then shifts his weight and tries. “I want to?”

That makes it more difficult. Connor had said that he’d crawled into Dylan Strome’s bed before. Had he done that this past week? Was Ryan supposed to be his replacement? Or had the week away highlighted all that he didn’t have with Ryan? Needing it was a more self explanatory reason. 

“Okay,” Ryan says. “But you’re probably not going to like the surprise. Don’t say I didn’t warn you in the morning.”

“What’s the surprise?” he asks. 

“It’s not a surprise if I tell you.”

Connor considers him for a moment then rolls his eyes. “Fine.”

Connor gets out of the way, and Ryan follows his normal night time routine. He tries not to get weird about getting into bed to sleep with someone without any sex before hand. It’s not really a thing he’s ever done as he didn’t share beds at sleepovers, not that he had many with his hockey schedule. He keeps his back to Connor and pretends it isn’t a problem. It still takes him too long to fall asleep. 

He wakes abruptly to the door to the guest room flying open and Hallsy shouting, “Nuge, you Christmas fucker!”

Hallsy takes a running leap onto the bed, aiming right for Ryan. Ryan, while not completely coherent, manages to avoid taking a knee to the groin or anything worse. Connor then kicks Hallsy in the side in true little brother fashion. 

“You didn’t tell me the surprise was Hallsy trying to kill us in our sleep!” Connor shouts, sitting up in bed. 

“Get off,” Ryan grumbles, putting his hand in Hallsy’s face and shoving. He uses his other hand to push, and it’s enough to get Hallsy into the middle of the bed between him and Connor. 

“Davo, why are you here?” Hallsy asks like he just noticed him. 

“Why are you here?” he asks back in a far more accusatory tone. 

“Because Nuge,” he says, then leans onto Ryan’s chest with as much body weight as he can, “Set my alarm to five a.m. with goddamn Christmas carols.”

“Ugh, go away Hallsy,” Ryan says, air wheezing out of him. Hallsy had always had way more muscle over Ryan than his one year of seniority deserved.

“Never,” he shoots back. 

“Well, this definitely is helping all of us get back to sleep,” Connor grumbles. 

“I’ll pay you back later,” Ryan says as he elbows Hallsy. 

“Fine, but I get to pick and it’ll be something you regret,” Hallsy warns, leaning back off Ryan. 

“Just get the fuck out and go back to bed.”

“I’m going.”

Hallsy has to scoot down to the end of the bed to get off, and Ryan curls back into a ball with the covers tucked under his chin as soon as he shuts the door behind himself. 

“Why would you do that?” Connor asking, flopping down onto the pillows. “Was it worth it?”

“It’s Christmas tradition.”

“It’s December first.”

“Exactly. Also, I didn’t think he’d try to jump on us, just yell some about it.”

“You’re all insane.”

“It’s all in good fun or whatever, and I did warn you. You should go back to sleep,” he says, closing his eyes and taking his deep breath. 

He hears and feels through the mattress Connor shifting and trying to get comfortable again. Then Connor asks quietly, “If Hallsy gets something, can I get something?”

Ryan opens his eyes, and he can barely make out Connor watching him from the other pillow in the darkness. “Guess it depends on what you want.”

“Nevermind, it’s dumb.”

Ryan doesn’t push it because despite the rude awakening he’s still tired and ready to drop right off. Still, he’s not completely asleep when Connor cautiously tests out the waters. He reaches out until he can barely touch his knuckles against Ryan’s. Then he starts trying to play footsie under the covers.

Ryan sighs, and tells him, “Just roll over then.”

“What?” Connor asks, flinching away from him. 

Ryan nudges at his shoulder, and then he complies, rolling over so his back is to Ryan. Then Ryan puts his arm around his waist, making him the little spoon. “It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” he says and shifts slightly to get more comfortable, pulling the covers tighter around them and pressing his back against Ryan’s chest. 

This kind of thing might be way easier than other aspects of the bond, but Ryan wasn’t going to let Connor make him be the little spoon and wake up uncomfortably hot and sweaty. Maybe Connor was right to ask to sleep with him because it feels nicer than spooning normally does. Like the way they hugged after the first roadie wasn’t a normal hug. At least it’s better than trying to fall asleep while awkwardly trying to ignore Connor. 

Ryan wakes later at a more normal hour with the sun up. Connor stays asleep face down and snoring slightly. Ryan finds it a little cute. He gets up quietly and goes through his morning routine. Connor’s still asleep when he gets back, and he debates with himself on whether he should wake him. Eventually, he decides to do it. 

“Hey,” he says quietly, putting his hand on Connor’s shoulder. 

Connor wakes with a deep breath in and half rolling to face Ryan. “What?”

“Just wanted to let you know I was up. You can go back to sleep if you want.”

“What time is it?” he mumbles as he reaches for his phone. He checks the time and sits up. “No, I should get up.”

“Okay, well, I’m going to go get breakfast,” he says, and Connor follows after him while yawning. 

Gazzy is also dressed and already downstairs with coffee. Ryan heads straight for the coffee machine. He’s almost always up before Schultzy so it’s nice to not have to make it for once. “You only get coffee if you explain what the commotion this morning was,” Gazzy jokes. 

“I set Hallsy’s alarm to five a.m. and made it blare Christmas carols,” Ryan explains as he pours himself a cup of coffee.

“So he thought trying to murder us in our sleep was fair game,” Connor adds. 

“He went after both of you for Nuge’s prank?”

Ryan answers before Connor can step in with something weird. “Connor literally slept with me again because bondmates, and Hallsy wasn’t expecting it.”

“Ah,” Gazzy says. He sounds neutral, but he’s giving Nuge an evaluating look. 

“What?”

“Bondmates, man,” he says with a shrug. “Just never pegged you for the cuddling type.”

“Who said anything about cuddling?”

Gazzy points to Connor. “He’s involved. Of course there was cuddling.”

“‘M not a cuddler,” Ryan grouses.

“Except for me I guess,” Connor says as he gets himself a cup of coffee as well. “Which is fine.”

Gazzy laughs. “Careful, bud, you’ll ruin his reputation.”

“Who’s got a reputation?” Hallsy asks, finally making an appearance. He’s like Connor still in pajamas and with bedhead. 

“Nuge as a cuddleless loner.” 

Ryan rolls his eyes as Hallsy laughs. Conversation quiets as every seeks out the food they want for breakfast and starts eating around the island. 

“So, since we’re onto Christmas now,” Connor says after everyone’s settled, and Ryan looks to Hallsy in panic. “What are we going to do for the break?”

“It’s a little early don’t you think?” Hallsy tries. 

Connor gives him a weird look. “Not really. Usually Mom already has a flight picked out for me to go home for Christmas by now, but she told me to work out my schedule this year. So now is actually a good time.”

Gazzy clears his throat, “Well, you guys can sort this out without an audience.”

Hallsy gives Ryan a look and tilts his head towards Gazzy, asking if he can go with him. Ryan shakes his head because he does not want to get abandoned in case something goes wrong.

“Obviously, my parents want to see me, but I’m sure Ryan’s want to see him too, and we don’t want to be miserable over being separated over the holidays. We just don’t have that much time though.”

“What about the family skate?” Hallsy tries again. 

“I thought that was more for like wives and kids,” Connor says cautiously. “I don’t think my parents can come at this point anyways. It still doesn’t solve Christmas.”

Ryan and Hallsy share a look, and Ryan makes a decision. “We’ll just go to your parents. You’re a rookie. You should get to go home.”

“You’re sure?” Connor asks. “You don’t want to see your parents at all?”

“It’s fine, seriously. Adam’s probably staying in Montreal anyways.”

Connor frowns. “I thought you were from B.C.”

“Yeah, but he’s going to school at Concordia. You know, the other English Montreal uni,” Ryan explains, trying to remember if he ever told Connor about what his brother was up to. 

“Oh, well, if you’re sure about Christmas.”

“I am.”

“Okay, um, are we buying our own tickets or should I get them?”

“I can pay you back.”

“Okay, I’m gonna go and do that now then before I forget,” he says, getting up to set his dishes in the sink.

Hallsy sighs once he’s left. “You need to get over your Christmas thing or you’re going to be stressed all month. Or you could like explain something about your fucked up family to him.”

“It’s not fucked up, my parents are just divorced,” Ryan argues, but it’s half hearted at best. 

“It’s fucked you up. He’ll definitely figure it out by Christmas if you don’t tell him about it. He’s not dumb.”

“I know, but it’s not that easy. What am I supposed to do? Give him an infographic on what’s wrong? Be like hey I know we’re out for a casual lunch, but here’s the lowdown on my backstory?”

“Yeah, something like that,” he says exasperatedly. 

“Hm, no, I’ll pass.”

“Dammit, Nuge.”

“I know,” Ryan says, leaning back against the counter and takes a long sip of his chocolate. Hallsy sighs and stands next to him, pressing his shoulder to his. This is why he keeps talking to Hallsy about this bonding shit even though Ebs was the more logical choice. Ebs would try way harder to make him actually do something about this. 

The day is more normal after that. They have a practice later in the day which Connor has to tag along to because of the twenty four hours thing. The guys stop by to talk to him, the younger guys taking up most of his time.

“He doing okay?” Ebs asks Ryan after practice while Connor is off listening to some story Drat is telling him.

“He’s fine,” Ryan says because he is so far as he knows. Then adds. “I’m not his keeper, Hallsy is.”

Ebs rolls his eyes but he’s still smiling. “More than Hallsy can look after him. Actually more than Hallsy should look after him.”

“Yeah that’s why Gazzy’s there.”

Ebs shakes his head, at least somewhat amused, but he doesn’t push it.

Ryan and Connor have another meeting with Dr. Reid after practice. Ryan doesn’t really know what to expect after how the last session ended. Regular therapy is more stressful than he ever thought it would be.

“How was the road trip this time? Any issues?” she asks. 

“No, no problems on my end,” Connor says. 

“It was much better this time. My barriers still weren’t great, but it definitely helped,” Ryan says. 

“Good, I’m glad to hear that. I’d like you to keep practicing, Ryan. I want you to feel comfortable with your barriers so you can trust them during future road trips,” she says. 

“Yeah, I can do that,” he says. He’d pretty much just made one and left it up the whole time on the road trip, but he can bring them up and down in the coming week. 

“Then, if it’s alright, I’d like to move on to what was brought up at the end of our last session,” she says, looking at Ryan. 

Ryan can also feel Connor’s eyes on him. “Okay.”

“Would you prefer to talk about the autonomy aspect or the privacy aspect first?” she asks gently. 

Ryan can’t decide and so says nothing. 

“I can tell that you’re uncomfortable with talking about this so perhaps we should take a step back,” she says, straightening up. “Is there anyone you’ve talked with about your concerns with bonding?”

“Yeah,” he admits. He’d ignored it all through juniors, hadn’t even been able to bring it up with those teammates ever. Ebs getting bonded though had shocked him into talking about it the closer her drew to being of an age to bond. “Ebs and Hallsy a little bit. Mostly to Adam, my brother.”

She nods. “Good, have you talked to him recently about them?”

“Absolutely not,” Ryan says. It had taken Adam a month to text him after news of his bond got out, and all he’d sent was ‘sorry’.

“Why not? You’ve spoken with him before. What’s changed?”

“I got bonded.”

Connor looks stricken, and even Dr. Reid looks concerned. “And why does that stop you from talking?”

“Probably because it freaked him out,” he says, clasping his hands together.   

“Oh?” she asks. 

“He knows my issues with bonding. Pretty sure he just didn’t know what to say to me,” he says then shrugs awkwardly. “It’s not like I really know what to say to him either.”

“So you’re not discussing your feelings about this situation with anyone?” she asks like that was something that needed to be said out loud. It just makes Ryan feel like crap. 

“Not really, I don’t particularly like doing it.”

“I’ve noticed,” she says, and Ryan’s pretty sure that’s the therapist version of saying no shit. “You need to be able to express and work through your feelings on these issues. They’re very large barriers to being able to healthily handle having a bond. Autonomy and privacy are big things. You have to be under a lot of stress if you feel that those are being violated by a bond.”

“He’s definitely not like he was before we got bonded,” Connor adds. “Stressed is probably an understatement.”

Ryan shoots Connor a look, but he doesn’t back down.

Dr. Reid looks between the both of them. “You two spend a lot of time together and you don’t feel comfortable talking about this just between the two of you even?”

“He doesn’t tell me anything,” Connor says, frustrated. “Bond or otherwise.”

“That’s not true,” Ryan argues. 

“Really?” he asks, glaring at Ryan. “The only time you’ve said anything about this autonomy and privacy and whatever else is your problem has been during these sessions and that’s only after she has to grill you for it.”

“I’ve talked to you about other things about it,” he insists. 

Connor rolls his eyes and turns to Dr. Reid. “He literally doesn’t, ever. I asked him to spend more time with me because he doesn’t. Like, I know we’re all media trained and everything, but I never knew that someone could just go for hours without saying anything before Ryan started doing it. I thought maybe if I got him to spend more time with me he’d eventually run out of bullshit, but he hasn’t even spent the time with me.”

“That isn’t-,” Ryan starts, but Connor glares at him. Ryan doesn’t need to have the bond open for him to tell that Connor is really just hurt. “I’m sorry.”

It’s genuinely upsetting to realize that’s how Connor feels he’s been acting because Ryan really has made an effort to try and tell him things. Getting through a normal lunch with Connor honestly felt like the most he could do to be open with him given how much the bond made him want to shut down everything. 

“How long do you feel that’s been going on for?” Dr. Reid asks, easily switching gears. 

“Ever since we bonded. It just seems to keep getting worse.”

She sighs. “This is why I went through your argument when you’d just been bonded. It’s extremely important that you’re able to communicate, and it seems like neither of you are currently able to communicate your issues to each other. Seeing me can’t be the only time you air your grievances. It’s not often enough, and it’s not a long term solution. The bond isn’t a cheat code to communication like some people think it is. It’s just more information about your partner’s emotions which can complicate or confuse the issue as much as it can illuminate.” 

“Well, I don’t know how we get better at that when he won’t talk to me,” Connor says. 

If Ryan knew how to get himself to talk about it, Connor would be the first to know. “I’m trying,” is all he can say. 

“I know that, but it doesn’t help me right now. You’re my bondmate, Ryan. I want you to be my bondmate,” he says, and Ryan can remember the desperation that had clung to him when he’d asked Connor to close the bond. 

“I don’t know how to be.”

Connor looks crushed, but quickly looks away from Ryan. 

“That’s why you’re here,” Dr. Reid says soothingly. “You’re not the only people in the world to have struggled with their bond. It’s a process for everyone. Let’s try something to foster more discussion between the two of you. Connor, I’d like it if you’d ask Ryan a question about something you’re curious about, and Ryan, I’d like you to answer it honestly. Doesn’t matter what it is. It can be about the bond or something else entirely.”

“Okay,” Connor says, sitting up straight and looking back to Ryan. “Why don’t you want to go back to your parents’ for Christmas?”

“I already told you why,” he says. 

“Yeah, I really doubt that was all of it,” he says, crossing his arms. 

Ryan tilts his head. “Do you really not know that my parents are divorced?”

Connor looks shocked. “No, why didn’t you tell me that?”

“It’s pretty common knowledge. I thought you knew from me or Hallsy or literally anyone. Anyways, holidays are kind of messy in my family because of it so Adam doesn’t even bother anymore. There’s no way I’d drag you away from your parents for that, not that there’s really time for it on an NHL schedule anyways.” 

“Oh,” he says, looking mollified. 

No one says anything for a few moments then Dr. Reid clears her throat.

“It’s good to know you two have sorted out the holidays,” she says. “Ryan, is there anything you’d like to ask Connor? If you’re not speaking openly and honestly to him, I suspect there’s a lot of information you’re missing from him as well.”

Ryan had plenty of questions for Connor, but he didn’t really want to ask any of them in front of Dr. Reid. It takes him a few seconds to land on something he wants to know, but isn’t too too close to the chest. “Why’d you ask for more time if what you really wanted was for me to talk to you more?”

Ryan doubts that Connor asking for what he actually wanted would have made it any easier for Ryan to give it to him, but it might have made two weeks ago overall a little better to deal with. 

Connor shakes his head and gives a little half shrug. “I didn’t realize that was what I was asking for at first. I just knew it felt like you were avoiding me. It’s not like I don’t want more time with you whether or not you’re talking to me more.”

“Okay,” Ryan says even though he doesn’t really get it. He’s been so far from his best self during all of this that he doesn’t think he’d want to spend more time with himself.

Dr. Reid, of course, picks up on it. “You should ask him what you want to ask, Ryan.”

Connor looks at him questioningly, and Ryan knows he’s not getting out of it no matter how embarrassing or how little he wants to do this in front of Dr. Reid. 

“I’m just not sure why you want to spend even more time with me when I haven’t exactly been great since the bond,” he says, and it’s the understatement of the year. 

Connor sighs and scratches at the back of his neck. His little glance at Dr. Reid suggests he’s also reluctant to say some things in front of her. “Because it’s worse being alone. I wasn’t like you coming into this. I had no idea what I was doing or why you were upset, but I was okay with being bonded and I was okay with it being to you. But-.”

He stops himself to glance over to Dr. Reid who is still watching both of them closely. “It’s been difficult, like I’ve said.”

“I’m sorry,” he says because that’s all he can offer him. Connor really didn’t deserve any of this. 

Connor nods, and it’s just not enough. It’s nowhere near enough, and Ryan can’t just keep saying sorry.

Dr. Reid clears her throat again to draw their attention back. “I’d really like for both of you to actively work on your communication with each other. I know neither of you are completely open with me either, but if you can practice with each other it will be a step in the right direction. You’re both struggling with this right now, and it doesn’t have to be this way forever. You’re still learning and improving.”

Ryan nods. He imagines too many therapists would be too soft on them. He might like Hallsy for not pushing him, but a therapist like coaches should push him hard to be better. 

“I always feel like I’ve been scooped out, after with sessions with her” Connor says as they walk out of the facility. 

“Yeah, I definitely get that,” he says letting out a deep breath. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” he says, unlocking the car. It still kills Ryan a little bit to let him drive, but he’s trying to get over that too. 

“What were you really gonna say back there? I know you changed it so Dr. Reid wouldn’t hear it.”

Connor doesn’t answer, just gets in the car. Ryan doesn’t know what to make of that so he gets into the passenger seat. Connor doesn’t start the car. “It’s just,” he starts and he sounds so small and he doesn’t look at Ryan. “Sometimes it doesn’t seem like you want me at all.”

Ryan’s horrified. He might not have wanted a bond, but he knows how much that must hurt. “I’m so sorry,” he says and feels worse that he has to keep apologizing to Connor. Hallsy was right, and Ryan feels sick. He can’t even tell Connor that he wants him, not as a bondmate if it might be a lie.

“I know,” he says and just sounds resigned to it.

Ryan twists in his seat and leans over to rest his forehead against Connor’s shoulder. It’s not the most comfortable position, but he can’t look at him while he says this. “I don’t know if you even believe me when I say it’s not you, but, God, Connor. The bond terrifies me so much. It never stops, and it never goes away, and it’s paralyzing. You really don’t deserve a bondmate like me.”

“Don’t say that. I want you to be my bondmate, but I want you to want it, too.”

Ryan squeezes his eyes shut because he’s not sure that he can ever get there. He’s changed and grown and healed, but that has never changed. He can feel himself shaking. 

He can feel Connor take a deep breath and then he asks quietly. “Spend another night with me?”

Ryan has no idea if it will help or hurt, but he says, “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The big thing on communication this chapter actually came from what was cut out of the last chapter. It was not working where it was, and then as I was working on this chapter a magical space opened up for it here. Some one asked about the brothers showing up, and yeah Cameron McDavid definitely will along with completely fake Brian and Kelly McDavid for Christmas. Not sure about Adam Nugent-Hopkins yet. We shall see. I think that's all I have to say about this chapter, and next chapter features the family skate which I'm excited for and will hopefully live up to expectations. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters just seem to get longer and longer.

Spending the night isn’t so simple as just going over when it’s on a game day. Connor drives to Ryan and Schultzy’s as originally planned, but he gets out with Ryan instead of driving home. Connor doesn’t really need to come with him, but Ryan’s pretty sure he would chicken out if he didn’t. 

“Hey,” Schultzy says when they get to the living room where he’s on the couch with Sophie. Then he notices Connor and says, “What’s up?”

“I’m, uh,” Ryan stalls, embarrassed for no real reason. It can’t be that weird to spend more time with his bondmate, can it? “Gonna spend another night with Connor.”

“Oh,” he says carefully. He looks between the two of them slowly. “Do you...need help or something or?”

“I just need to pack a bag. It’s fine,” he says. 

“Um, ok,” he says, but it still sounds like a question. 

“Yeah,” Ryan says, wishing he had something more to add. His brain seems to be working at half capacity. It reminds him of the last time he’d gotten well and truly sick and he was too stuffed up and miserable to really think. At least he had the excuse of cough medicine then. 

“You can stay down here, if you’d like,” Ryan says to Connor. “It shouldn’t take me more than a couple minutes to get my stuff together.”

“It’s cool, I can help or whatever,” he says, following him upstairs, and Sophie trailing after both of them.

“Well, it’s just, my room is kind of a mess,” he says. He feels weird about letting Connor into his room, but he doesn’t want to press more forcibly back against him coming in after the conversation they’ve just had. 

Ryan opens the door to his room, and Connor says, “If this is messy, I really need to clean before you come over tonight.”

“I’ve got stuff everywhere though,” he says, noting all the papers he needs to get organized among all the other things that need to go back to the right spots.

Neither of them say anything for a moment, then Connor shuts the door behind him. “Is Schultzy really okay? I know I’m miserable because I’m not playing hockey, but he’s seemed kinda miserable while playing it. I don’t know what you do with that.”

Ryan frowns, wondering if it’s worse than he’s been thinking it is if Connor can tell as a new guy who is out on injury. 

“He likes the hockey. It’s everything else,” Ryan says with a sigh as he gets out a duffle bag he uses for shorter trips. Sophie whines because she knows what it means. “No team or organization can work for all people, and let’s not act like we don’t know the Oilers are worse than most.”

This is also new territory for him and Connor. Ryan had genuinely been surprised by how much of a team player Connor had shown himself to be when he’d shown up for training camp. Where he had worn out all the familiar complaints with Ebs and Hallsy about everything Oilers, he’d been carefully avoidant with Connor.

Connor frowns. “Are you saying you want him to get traded?”

“I’m saying here’s clearly not good for him,” he says, packing away pajamas. “Trades aren’t always bad things. People who aren’t professional athletes change jobs and move for their careers too. Sometimes it’s just something you need to do.”

“Did Schultzy say he wanted a trade?”

“He wants it more than going to the AHL, not that he has any idea where might be better for him,” Ryan says with a shrug. Connor’s just too young to know the relief that some people have after a trade. To go somewhere else, try something new, and finally have it work. 

“Do you, well, do you want to go somewhere else?” Connor asks.

Ryan gets that slow brain feeling again, like Connor is trying to ask something else, but he has no idea what. It doesn’t really matter. They can’t be traded away from each other, and he doubts the Oilers would give up a Gretzky a second time. “I don’t think so. I have more than just hockey here, you know. I’m not even living all that far from where I grew up. I know I don’t want to move south and I don’t want to move east, for non-hockey reasons.”

He zips up his bag, finished with packing everything for an overnight stay. Connor tilts his head. “What’s wrong with east?”

“Not my vibe,” he says with a shrug and picks up his bag. He’ll forget it later if he doesn’t leave it by the door.

“What vibe? You don’t have a vibe. You are vibe-less,” Connor says, following him back downstairs. 

“Like Edmonton.”

Connor laughs. 

Schultzy’s left the living room in the time Ryan had packed. Ryan drops his bag by the door and turns to Connor. “I’m set for tonight.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later then,” he says. 

“Yeah.”

Connor then gives him a quick one armed hug Ryan’s too surprised by to really return. Connor gives him a little smile and wave then is out the door. Ryan shakes his head, hoping that will get it working again. He starts getting ready for the game then. He has his typical pre-game meal, eating with Schultzy for once. They’d normally car pool, but Ryan has to be able to drive himself back from Hallsy’s in the morning. He nearly forgets his duffel bag even though he left it right by the door. 

Boston plays physically like normal, but the Oilers manage a win in shootout thanks to Ebs. Ryan didn’t score or assist anything despite spending nearly half the game on the ice. He doesn’t think his therapy session or the slow brain feeling had anything to do with it, but it’s also something you could never really know. In any case, he’s exhausted and sweaty when he gets back to the locker room. 

He spots Connor as he’s undressing. Connor goes over to Ebs first, clearly congratulating him and not caring that Ebs in his gross gear hugs him in his suit. Ryan fields a few reporters looking for post game quotes after an unexpected win, but he’s not that interesting without any points. He does his cool down and takes a very welcome shower. He finds Connor hanging out by his stall with his phone out. 

“Something up?” Ryan asks, starting to get dressed back in his suit. 

“No,” Connor says, tucking away his phone. “I just wanted to ask if it’s ok if I ride with you back home.”

“Yeah, just let me grab my stuff.” 

They actually end up leaving before Hallsy and Gazzy who are both still talking to Ebs and generally being slow pokes. 

“Can I ask you something?” Connor asks. “It’s not bond related.”

Ryan figures that the preface shows just how bad he is about the bond. “Yeah, shoot.”

“So, like, what’s the appropriate thing to do when the second overall of your draft year is playing your team for the first time?” Connor asks at a much quicker clip than he normally talks. “Like, me and Eichs aren’t like buds or anything, but we did do all that draft stuff together, you know? He’s definitely an over competitive asshole, but like that’s just the pot calling the kettle black and he’s definitely extra, but he’s not bad. I feel like I should invite him out to dinner or something because that’s like the polite thing to do, but also that he might not want to see me if we aren’t going to play each other.”

“Uh, I’m thinking you should not ask me about this. What did Hallsy say?” Ryan says. 

“That I was overthinking things, and that I should do what I want,” Connor says, frowning. “It wasn’t helpful.”

“Me and Landy don’t really have a typical relationship for first and second overalls so I don’t really know that I can offer anything better.” 

“Not typical,” Connor says skeptically. “In what way is it not typical?”

“Me and Landy are friends, pretty much from the beginning. We didn’t really have a rivalry thing like other guys. I wasn’t really predicted to go first for sure so it wasn’t so big a deal,” he says. It wasn’t all they were or had been to each other, but it was true.  

“Well,” Connor says after a moment. “I mean, that’s fair. He seems a little nicer than Eichs.”

“Why don’t you just let him decide?” Ryan asks. “Send him an invite and if he doesn’t want it, he doesn’t want it.”

Connor nods slowly. “Should I like name a restaurant or just say dinner?”

“If you want him to decide just say he can pick what type of place, it’ll make you seem nicer letting him choose.”

“Okay, thanks,” he says and gets his phone out again. He’s already typing when he asks. “Do Hallsy and Seguin get along? I know they’ve done some training and Team Canada stuff, but he didn’t really say anything about him when I asked.”

“They get along better than they used to. They really didn’t like each other the first couple of years, but it seems like it’s changed in the past year or so. It’s definitely not just because Seguin got traded or bonded either. Hallsy has gotten his shit way together from how he used to be.”

“Really?” Connor asks, turning in his seat towards him. 

“Yeah, dude, nobody ever accused us of being old souls like they do with you. Pretty much all of us from Ebs down through Drat has been accused of having a personality problem at some point or another. I wouldn’t really expect you to know about it because you were what? Getting ready to go into juniors? I imagine you weren’t looking hard into rumors about the personalities of people you didn’t know you’d be playing with rather than our stats.”

“Well, I remember the thing about Yak’s celly which I think was still way overblown,” Connor says. “I thought it was cool. That’s what everyone wants to do, have a giant obnoxious celly after doing something cool in the NHL.”

“Yeah, it was,” Ryan says, smiling at the memory. 

“Can I ask what your personality problems were?” Connor asks lightly.

“You sure you want to hear all about it? I wasn’t exactly a good kid, Connor.”

Ryan’s not exactly ashamed of how he used to behave because he knows exactly why he did all of it. It still doesn’t leave him in a good light or paint a happy picture. He’s not so grown up that he can look back at it and not be hurt by it. 

“I find that hard to believe,” he says. “I don’t think underage drinking or whatever it was is enough to make anyone a bad person. Pretty much everyone’s done that, including me.”

“Yeah, but there’s definitely better ways to go about it than what I did,” he says. He pulls up and parks in front of Hallsy’s place. 

“You want any food?” Connor asks as he gets the door open.

“Sure,” Ryan says, and he shuts the door behind them both.

“Snacks or something more?”

“Snacks are fine,” he says, and he normally snacks after games anyways. Multiple nutritionists have told him not to eat before bed, but Ryan doesn’t know a single player that doesn’t usually eat something after a game. 

Hallsy and Gazzy make it home after they’ve grabbed some food. Gazzy doesn’t stop just says, “Goodnight,” and heads upstairs. 

Hallsy steals a few of the crackers Ryan had started eating, shoves them into his mouth then says, “Don’t stay up.”

“Yes, mom,” Connor says, rolling his eyes. 

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth,” Ryan tells Hallsy. Hallsy just opens his mouth to reveal the half chewed food before heading upstairs.

“Why do you live with him?” 

Connor shrugs. “He’s nicer to me.”

“If you say so,” he says, putting the crackers away. 

Connor quickly finishes his granola bar while Ryan picks up his bag. Ryan heads upstairs with Connor only a few steps behind him. 

He turns towards the guest bedroom, and Connor grabs his arm. “You don’t have to stay in the guest bedroom.”

Ryan looks at him and questions why he didn’t think Connor might offer this if he’s slept with him every time he’s stayed over. An actual bedroom, Connor’s bedroom, still seems like a boundary they shouldn’t be crossing. A temporary bed that’s neither of theirs on nights after separation is one thing. Staying in one of their regular beds when they’ve already just spent a night together has completely different connotations. 

“Please,” Connor says gently. He shifts his hand so it’s less like he’s grabbing at Ryan and more like he’s trying to coax him. 

“I don’t know,” Ryan says, all the doubts creeping back to him. That this is just the bond, Connor doesn’t actually want this, or if he does, he’s only picking Ryan because he’s here and the person Connor actually wants is not. That something bad will come of it because that’s all that ever comes of bonds. That this will be what gets Connor to see that Ryan is a bad idea. 

Connor takes a deep breath in then seems to hesitate on whether to let it out or say something with it. “My room’s nicer than the guest room.”

It almost sounds like a question the way he says it so lightly. 

“Yeah, I’m sure it is.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“It’s your bed, Connor.”

Connor might blush at that, but it’s hard to tell with the only light coming from a lamp downstairs. “It’s still just a bed.”

Ryan stalls, wanting to sleep in the guest room as much as he wants to sleep in Connor’s. He maybe even wants to sleep in the same bed as Connor as much as he doesn’t. 

Connor sighs and pulls away from him. He starts pulling off his tie as he heads to his bedroom. He flicks the light on, but he doesn’t close the door behind him after he enters. Ryan isn’t really sure what to do so he cautiously makes his way to the doorway to Connor’s room. He finds Connor in the process of getting undressed and thinks he should probably just go to the guest room. 

“Is it some weird bond thing somehow?” Connor asks without even looking at him. 

“It’s always going to be a bond thing.”

“I just don’t get it,” he says, annoyed and jerkily hanging up his suit jacket. “You haven’t kicked me out of bed, and you agree to sleep with me tonight when we both know it’s not bond separation anxiety or whatever but suddenly my room is the problem?”

“Why is the guest room a problem for you?”

“I don’t have any hang ups about it. I just think it’s dumb to sleep in the guest room when my own bed is right here. Both my mattress and my bedsheets are nicer.”

Connor loses some of the emphasis on his argument by nearly tripping trying to step out of the pants of his suit. Ryan looks away for a moment so he can pretend to have some dignity after that. Connor makes an annoyed noise and pulls on a pair of sweatpants before snatching up the suit pants and hanging them with the jacket. 

“Would you let me sleep in your room at your place?” Connor asks. 

“I don’t know,” Ryan admits. He prefers his own bed over any other, obviously, but the thought of Connor there with him makes him tense. 

“Okay, so why not my room, and I want a serious answer.”

“It...doesn’t it seem like crossing a line to you?”

“Uh, no,” Connor says, “And even if it did, it would be way less of a line than sleeping in a bed together. Which, may I remind you, we’ve done more than once.”

“Yeah, it's the combination of lines, I guess,” he says because he can’t totally make sense of it himself. He knows it’s ridiculous, but he can’t stop feeling the dread over it anyways. “I know it’s dumb.”

“I don’t know that it’s dumb, but I don’t get it. I’m saying it’s okay, and you wouldn’t have come if you didn’t want to, right?”

“Yeah,” he agrees reluctantly.

Connor walks over to him and carefully takes hold of Ryan’s wrists. “So we both agree it’s okay. Nothing bad is going to happen because we’re in here and not the guest room.”

He slowly starts pulling Ryan into his room. Once he gets a few steps into the room, Ryan sighs and says, “Okay.”

Connor beams at him. “Okay.”

Ryan changes awkwardly while Connor shuts the door and goes about setting up the room. He turns on a lamp on his bedside table, plugs in his phone charger near the bed, disappears into the closet for a moment and comes out with an extra pillow. 

“It’s clean, I swear,” Connor says as he tosses the pillow onto the bed. “You can hang your suit up if you want.”

Ryan does that, and he can hear Connor still shuffling around in the bedroom. Maybe Connor is more nervous than he said. 

“Can you turn off the main light?” Connor asks when Ryan finishes with his suit. 

Ryan flicks the light off, and then Connor pulls back the bedsheets. Ryan makes sure to get into the bed from the other side, and once they’re both in, Connor shuts off the lamp. 

Ryan just lies on his back, telling himself not to be weird and just sleep, but Connor shuffles around and pulls on the covers, making himself comfortable. 

“Thanks,” Connor says quietly after a moment. “I know I have it blocked off or maybe it’s placebo or something, but it’s nicer when you’re close.”

“The bond’s still bothering you from the roadie?” Ryan asks, rolling over to face him. “It hasn’t been bothering me.”

“It’s like I have to keep checking that you’re there so I’m not really sure if it’s the bond or not.”

“I was like that after the first roadie, but it didn’t last very long.”

“Worry about it tomorrow,” Connor says, yawning. He also puts an arm over Ryan’s waist like he also needs physical assurance that he’s still there. 

“I don’t like being the little spoon,” Ryan tells him.

“We’re not even spooning, relax.”

Ryan does relax and fall asleep, but he wakes up with Connor cuddled up against him and making him way too warm and sweaty. Ryan gently shoves him off and pushes down some of the blankets. He doesn’t think Connor wakes up when he rolls over and buries back down into the pillow and blankets. Ryan checks the time and decides it’s way too early to be up on a day they have a later practice due to the homestand. He rolls over and falls back asleep.

He wakes again sometime later, too warm again, and this time Connor is spooning him. Ryan moves to nudge him away again, but Connor holds him tight and he realizes he’s awake.

“Connor, what are you doing?”

“You kicked off all the covers. I was cold,” he says, and he sounds a lot more awake than Ryan. 

“Because you were doing this, just pull the covers back up.”

“But you’re warm,” he says, giving Ryan a squeeze and tucking his head against his shoulder. 

“Too warm.”

“Five more minutes,” Connor mumbles.

“I’m a person not an alarm clock.”

“A mean person,” he grumbles, but he does pull his arms from around Ryan. It doesn’t do much because he’s still pressed up to Ryan’s back. 

Ryan sighs and resigns himself to being too warm until they actually get up. He kicks off more of the covers then goes back to sleep. He wakes again when the alarm goes off, and Connor’s still all up in his personal space. He shuts off the alarm and gets out of the bed.

He feels gross, and he can’t do his full morning routine until he gets back home which doesn’t help anything. He doesn’t mind driving home a little grubby, but he does mind driving home in pajamas so he changes.

“You don’t need to get dressed for breakfast,” Connor says, getting out of bed. 

“I’m not staying for breakfast,” Ryan says. 

“Why not?”

“Gotta get back home.”

Connor looks at his clock then back to Ryan. “We have plenty of time.”

“I know,” he says, picking up his things and heading downstairs. 

“Hey, Nuge, you want any coffee?” Gazzy asks as he passes the kitchen. 

Ryan figures it’s probably a better idea to have it than not. “Sure.”

Hallsy’s already at the coffee maker pouring himself a cup. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“I’m just having the coffee.”

That gets him a look from Hallsy. “I didn’t jump in your bed or reset your alarm which would have totally been fair play so I don’t know why you’re so grumpy.”

“I’m fine,” he says, but it comes out totally grumpy. 

“Get Ryan to stay for breakfast,” Connor tells Hallsy as he enters the kitchen. 

Ryan glances at him to see he put on a sweatshirt before coming down, and then he gets the coffee from Hallsy to pour himself a cup.

“I don’t know that I want to make grumpy Nuge stay for breakfast,” Hallsy says, giving Connor an assessing look. “You didn’t do anything to him, did you?”

“Shut up, Hallsy,” Ryan tells him. 

“I didn’t do anything,” Connor says. 

Ryan takes a large gulp of his coffee even though it’s still a little too hot.

“Well, I know Nuge isn’t spectacular in the mornings, but this is severe,” Hallsy says, putting a hand on Ryan’s shoulder.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” Ryan tells him.

Hallsy pulls his hand away like it’s burnt. “Oh, so he just maxed you out early.”

“Shut up, Hallsy,” Ryan says again. He drinks as much coffee as he can in a second before setting the cup in the sink because listening to Hallsy’s bullshit at this hour isn’t worth any amount of caffeine. He can still hear Hallsy explaining as he leaves. 

“Nuge is not really touchy feely, he’s got a hard limit to how much he’ll take, and I think you blew right past it.”

Ryan shuts the door behind himself a little harder than necessary.

He gets his shit together for practice, but he’s still a little guiltily grateful that Connor hasn’t returned to practice yet. Practice would be normal and fine if Hallsy didn’t keep giving him looks which Ebs notices and starts giving him looks and then it seems like half the team is expecting something to go down. 

“Did you do something to Davo?” Schultzy asks quietly between drills.

“I didn’t do anything,” Ryan tells him. 

“Then why does Hallsy keep like checking in on you?”

“I was just a little grumpy this morning.”

“You’re always grumpy in the morning,” Schultzy says. Schultzy was a good roommate choice for Ryan because he is completely apathetic in the mornings and will not bother Ryan when he’s grumpy in the morning. 

“Exactly, so he has no reason to do it,” Ryan says, glaring at Hallsy who is several feet away and facing the other direction, talking to Drat and Nurse.

“If you say so,” Schultzy says, skating out as the coaching staff set up for the next round of drills. 

Ryan survives practice, and finds Connor waiting for him out in the hall afterwards. “Hey,” he says. “How was PT?”

“Fine,” he says then awkwardly clears his throat. “We don’t have to do lunch if you don’t want.”

Ryan stares at him. “You who has been begging to spend more time with me is cool with us not doing lunch?”

“Well, I mean, I just thought that you maybe were right about last night and that I pushed you too far. So, if you didn’t want to do lunch that’s okay.”

“Okay,” Ryan says, and Connor looks disappointed. “Would you want to walk Sophie instead?”

“Really?” Connor asks. 

“Yeah, I’m not mad about this morning, but I really don’t like being the little spoon.”

“Sorry, I think I was being a little selfish there. I’m used to all my friends liking cuddling and stuff,” he says then looks over to Ryan in worry. “But if you really hate it then I can chill out.”

“I’m not completely unfeeling,” he says which he has been accused of before mostly from Hallsy. Hallsy isn’t much of a cuddler but he does take offense to leaving him hanging or not doing bro hugs and other bro signs of affections. Ebs is pretty similar. “But being a little chiller might be appreciated.”

“Okay, I can do that,” Connor says smiling. 

Walking Sophie goes well despite winter setting in. They have the time so Ryan takes them to a nearby park that lets dogs on the trails. He lets Sophie lead the way even though he can’t let her off the leash, and Connor sticks close to him. It’s easier than lunch in a lot of ways because Ryan isn’t just sitting there feeling stuck and loomed over by the bond. Moving around and the cold air just cuts through it, and Ryan can feel more like things are normal. 

“If I’m your bondmate, does that make me a co-parent of Sophie?” Connor asks.

“First of all, I’m not one of those people that calls their dogs their kids, okay? Sophie is not my daughter. Second of all, even if that were the case, you wouldn’t be a co-parent because you haven’t picked up her shit.”

Connor nods, looking very serious. “I’ve decided I’m too young to be a dog parent.”

Ryan laughs. “It’s okay if you’re just in it for the cuddles.”

“Oh, good, so I’ll at least be getting cuddles from someone,” Connor says, reaching down to pet Sophie. 

Things start looking up from there. The Oilers start on a win streak, Connor keeps improving his range of motion and strength in PT, and they talk more like Connor wanted in the first place. Ryan thinks he’s doing it right at least because he’s having an easier time of it, and Connor hasn’t complained about it again. 

“You want to be my date to the family skate?” Ryan asks Connor the day before it. It’s between games and well before Christmas, but there isn’t a way to schedule it closer with the roadie right before Christmas. They have time for a team Christmas party, but not that and a family skate. 

“I’m already invited,” Connor says, and it almost sounds like a question.

“Yeah, you have an invitation. You’re still on the team. They can’t tell you not to come because you’re injured.”

“Then why are you asking me? We’re both already going.”

Ryan sighs exaggeratedly. “It was a joke about the whole bondmate things.”

“I’m a joke date then?” 

“Are you fucking with me?” he asks, leaning into Connor’s space to get a better look at his face. “Are you pretending to be dumb or do you actually not get it?”

“Well, family skate is to take people who aren’t on the team and we both are so.”

“Maybe you’re the one with emotional availability problems if you can’t just say yes to going to family skate together.”

“As opposed to what? We’re going anyways.”

“As opposed to going separately and alone. It’s not like either of us have family coming in or girlfriends.”

“It’s not emotional availability problems or being dumb,” Connor says after a moment, looking away from Ryan. “It’s trying to understand why you’re asking me about something we’re already doing at the last minute.”

Ryan shifts uncomfortably, wondering if he missed something with Connor. “It’s not that big a deal, I didn’t think? Did I do something wrong? Like, Hallsy’s done it before and asked me when he didn’t have a girlfriend to bring.”

“I’ll be your date or whatever,” Connor says, but he still sounds vaguely upset.

Ryan isn’t any closer to figuring it out while driving to the rink on his own because Connor said not to pick him up. Schultzy left much earlier to pick up his girlfriend, and Ryan wasn’t about to third wheel with them. He’s not first to the rink, and Connor’s already there. Hallsy and Gazzy are there as well, but they’re more focused on their girlfriends than any of their teammates.

Ryan finds it weird to put on skates and none of the other gear. There used to be a time where he skated with gear and without it in equal amounts, but it’s been years now. He feels off balance and unsure of what to do with his hands just walking in the skates. He’s not first on the ice, but near to it with only Connor and one couple on before him.

“Hey,” Connor says, coming up beside him.

“Hey,” Ryan says because he’s not gonna do something dumb like ask if Connor is happy to be back. Obviously he is, and he’s also not totally back yet. They skate in silence with easy lazy strides.

Connor looks around the rink then looks at Ryan. He knows exactly what he’s thinking. Without any signal or warning, they take off full tilt racing, shoving and elbowing to try and throw the other’s start off. They only separate to make it around the couple ahead of them before turning.

It doesn’t do Ryan any good. Connor even with a healing collar bone is always a step ahead of anyone else on the ice, doesn’t matter who it is. He’s already ahead of Ryan despite having the longer route on the outside. Ryan can’t help analyzing Connor’s skating any more than he can help admiring it - the flexibility in his ankles, the full extension of his stride, the bend in his knees. Smooth, graceful, powerful strides and absolutely beautiful. Ryan knows how much practice and effort it takes to make skating look that effortless. 

There’s no finish line to the race. There doesn’t need to be one, and Ryan wouldn’t want one anyways. It takes less than fifteen strides to get across the length of the rink which is hardly anything and rarely put to use in games or practice. You don’t get to go full out and just keep going. It’s hard to be angrily competitive about being unable to beat someone he never will when he’s skating to skate. 

Of course with more people coming onto the rink, they can’t keep going even if they are good at dodging people. Connor has to be a show off about it though and pivots at full speed to face Ryan. Not transitions or going heel to heel then backwards, just a complete 180 pivot which Ryan wouldn’t even try at his own top speed, and then he does a smooth backwards stop until he’s standing before the boards.

Ryan comes to a much sharper stop before him, making like he’s going to body check Connor into the boards. He doesn’t, obviously, neither of them are wearing gear, but he can show off too. He controls his speed perfectly so that even though he comes into contact with Connor, he doesn’t check him. He grabs onto Connor’s upper arms and leans forward, pressing him into the boards with his upper body, not any excess force from his speed. 

“Show off,” Ryan accusses, lifting his chin challengingly. 

Connor grins. He’s bright and flushed from the exertion of skating. God, Ryan’s missed him. Excited and out on the ice and schooling everyone at 18. He didn’t even have a full month in the NHL before getting hurt, and he misses him. “Sure, I’m the show off,” Connor says, looking down at them before back up to Ryan. 

“Don’t break the already injured rookie before he’s back,” Gazzy says. 

He means it as a joke, says it in a light tone, but it still pisses Ryan off because he felt he had to say it at all. He glares at Gazzy as he pulls away from Connor, letting him go. “I know how to skate, Gazzy.”

“Seriously, dude, it’s fine. I didn’t even brace for it,” Connor says. 

Ryan realizes it’s true now that he’s said it. He didn’t shift position for more stability or even put up his arms when Ryan grabbed onto him. He trusted Ryan not to run into him or drag him down. 

“I know, but try not to act like crazies around all the new skaters,” Gazzy says, gesturing to his girlfriend who is staring at them like they’re nuts.

“Sorry,” Ryan says, and Connor mutters the same. 

They skate more casually around after that, but that’s still about twice the speed of everyone else. They might be married to or dating NHLers, but pretty much all the WAGs are not great skaters. The best you could say about any of them was that they were comfortable going forward. 

The problem with letting a couple of NHLers skate around without any rules is that they're going to start doing weird shit. Ryan can’t remember a time he went skating without trying to work on or improve some skill or another, and he doubts Connor is any different. Casual skating quickly turns into practicing random drills.  They’re just out in the center of the ice surrounded by teammates and newbie skaters doing edge work drills or hopping over the blue and center lines or doing various types of turns and stops. They’re actually more careful than they’d normally be as they’re out of gear and there’s a lot more people on the ice. All the other guys watch them with undisguised jealousy. 

“Quit dicking around before you break your tail bones,” Hallsy calls out after Ryan does some windmilling to find his balance again after nearly losing an edge. 

Hallsy is busy skating backwards and holding his date’s hands to try and help her skate. She’s a newer girlfriend that he’s been carefully keeping away from the team while the relationship is new. 

“I mean, I’ll switch with you if you want,” Ryan offers.

“Hell no,” Hallsy says, shifting so that he’s standing between his girlfriend and Ryan. His girlfriend isn’t even paying attention, just trying to keep upright after Hallsy changed positions. 

“Switch with me then,” Ebs says.

“Okay,” he says, skating over him and his girlfriend. It’s hard to say no when he actually knows Ebs’ girlfriend, Lauren, because they went on double dates when Ryan had a girlfriend. 

Ryan offers his arm out to Lauren when he gets to them. 

“What a gentleman,” Lauren says as she takes hold of Ryan’s arm. 

“Have fun,” Ebs says, smiling before skating off to join Connor. 

“I always want to get better at skating when I see him go off like that, like I’m such a deadweight on the ice,” Lauren says.

“But you have twelve million better things to do instead,” Ryan says because however ridiculous their schedule is, Lauren is somehow always doing more. She doesn’t need to skate to be perfect for Ebs.

“Like planning double dates with you and Connor,” she floats casually.

“What are you talking about?” Ryan asks.

“Double dates,” she repeats. “We used to have them together. It’ll be nice to have them again.”

“I don’t know if Ebs got it wrong or said it wrong, but Connor and I aren’t dating.”

“But you’re bondmates, and me and Jordan are bondmates,” she says, tightening her grip on his arm. 

“A bondmate isn’t always the same thing as a girlfriend, or a boyfriend or whatever,” he reminds her. 

“But you’re still our friend, and I want to meet Connor. It doesn’t have to be a double date, but just something where we’re all together.”

Ryan glances over to Ebs and Connor. Ebs is maybe asking the same thing because he and Connor are just standing and talking instead of trying dumb skating tricks like they had been before. Connor seems nervous though Ryan can’t be sure from the distance. 

“I don’t know what all Jordan has told you, but it’s not been all sunshine and roses and getting lost in each other’s eyes. We could use some friends who know what we’re going through. He’s told me that you’ve had some troubles and that you’re seeing a therapist so maybe you could use some too.”

Some troubles is an understatement. Ryan sighs. “It’s pretty different for us because we’re younger and didn’t know each other before hand.”

“Honestly, I can’t give a shit. Jordan’s taken the change way better than I have, but I was so relieved to hear just anyone else I knew had bonded,” she says, tightening her grip on his arm. “Please, even if it’s casual or only an hour, I want to meet Connor and see you together.”

Ryan isn’t sure that he and Connor can give her anything she’s looking for, but he says, “Okay. I think it will have to wait until the new year, but okay.”

Lauren smiles. “Thank you, really.”

Soon after that, one of the organization's reporters comes out onto the ice with a one man camera crew to ask the players soft questions about who they brought with them. Ryan switches back with Ebs so they don’t start any rumors about cheating. 

“Did he ask about a double date?” Ryan asks Connor when they’re well away from any mics. 

“Yeah, it’s a good idea don’t you think?”

“Yeah, but we probably won’t get to do it until January because of our schedules,” Ryan says.

“Yeah, Ebs says Lauren is super busy,” Connor says, glancing over at them. 

“It’s true. I don’t think we’ve ever planned a double date less than a month out.”

“When were you guys double dating?”

“Couple years ago, from after the lockout and then about half of the next season until I got dumped, and then I third wheeled for a while.”

“Oh, sorry,” Connor says. 

“About me getting dumped?” Ryan asks, smiling. “She was right so you really shouldn’t be.”

Connor gives him a weird look, but they can’t talk more as the reporter hunts them down. 

“Enjoying the family skate?” the reporter asks. “We caught your little race at the beginning.”

“Yeah, it’s been good,” Connor says diplomatically even though he most likely thinks the skate has been good. “Getting a race in was a nice little warm up.”

“Ryan, is it more fun to come to the family skate now with your bondmate?”

Ryan tilts his head and shrugs slightly like he’s actually considering it. “There are some benefits to coming to a family skate with someone who skates better than you.”

“Is that what that race was about?” 

“Well, I think we all knew what the outcome would be there,” he says, glancing over to Connor. He’s definitely trying not to look too pleased about the praise. 

“I just wanted a chance to stretch my legs a bit,” Connor says. 

“Is it nice to have an event like this where you can be out on the ice with the team despite your injury?”

“Yeah, absolutely,” he says with a bright smile. “The real deal is better, obviously, but I’ll take something over nothing.”

And then after a couple more questions about how nice the family skate is, the reporter finally lets them go. 

“Is it nicer with me?” Connor asks, mocking the reporter’s questions as they skate away. 

“At least they weren’t asking about the bond itself,” Ryan says with a sigh. 

“Are they still doing that?” he asks. “It’s been a month.”

“Yeah, a whole month of us separated,” he says with a shrug. “I can no comment until I die, but let’s face it, I’ve become much more interesting now that I’ve bonded to you.”

Connor frowns and elbows Ryan in a comforting way. “Sorry.”

“Yeah, quit being so good, what about my young, fragile ego?” Ryan says, knocking Connor back. “Really, it’s the least of my problems when it comes to the bond. I’m not worried.”

“Young, fragile ego?” Connor asks like it’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. He gets ahead of Ryan to skate backwards in front of him. “I’m younger than you.”

“Yeah, but how am I supposed to get my fame and validation if you’re going to always overshadow me from now on?”

“You’re not actually worried about that are you?”

“No way, overshadow all you want McJesus,” he says, skating in a tight loop around Connor while he groans about the nickname. “Maybe if I stayed healthy or scored 30 goals for one season we could start pretending you’re the problem with my popularity.”

“But you got close. 24 last year, and you can always improve,” he says, picking up some speed to catch up to Ryan again. 

Ryan looks at him for a moment. He sounds like some of the fans who asked for pictures or autographs but also begged and wished for him to get 30 goals after he hit the 20 goal mark. That wanted him to be everything a first overall pick was promised to be. “Always,” he says because he loves hockey, and he will never stop trying to improve. 

But that doesn’t exclude the possibility that he might never be a 30 goal scorer. 

The family skate ends unceremoniously. Everyone just gets off the ice and starts pulling off their skates. With all the wives and girlfriends around there’s way less space in the locker room. For some reason, Connor decides that means he needs to squeeze into Ryan’s stall with him because there’s someone’s girlfriend sitting in his.

“Why did you think both of our asses would fit in this space?” Ryan asks, pausing in untying his skates. “You couldn’t stand like all the other good boyfriends?”

“You have room,” he says, leaning back into the stall rather than leaning forward to untie his skates.

“You good?” he asks, nudging his knee before going back to undoing his skates. There really is something to be said for not wearing hockey pants while getting your skates off. 

“Yeah, just letting you go first.”

It would be even worse trying to get their shoulders into the same area when untying skates so Ryan lets him be. He changes into his boots then gets up to put his skates away at the top of his stall. Connor knocks his knee into his. 

“Yeah?” Ryan asks, looking down at him.

Connor shakes head, and Ryan moves out of the way so he can take off his skates.

The Oilers win another game, extending their win streak, and Ryan anticipates something bad happening soon. They aren’t the Oilers for nothing after all. 

The following day, they meet with Dr. Reid again. Ryan doesn’t know exactly what they will cover, but he imagines he won’t find it pleasant. 

“How have you been?” she asks once they’ve sat down. “Have you been talking more?”

Ryan looks to Connor, not wanting to say something different than he does. Connor nods. “Yeah, it’s been getting better.”

Ryan relaxes, relieved. 

“Would you agree, Ryan?” she asks. 

“Yeah,” he says nodding. 

“Then perhaps if you’ve had more time to talk we can get into the meat of the issue,” she says, clicking her pen. “I think a lot of your troubles with the bond can be resolved if we address the issues Ryan has brought up. You’ll never be able to open up to the bond if you feel it is an attack upon your privacy and autonomy.”

“Except that is what it is,” Ryan says. “I didn’t choose it, and it is invasive.”

“Did you?” she asks. “No, you didn’t choose to create it or choose Connor, but what did you decide afterwards?”

Ryan frowns. “Are you saying that because I don’t want to break it, I’ve chosen it?”

“That’s exactly what you did,” she says. “There are many things in life beyond our control. The weather, who drafted you, if you’re traded for examples. Yet, even if you don’t like them, you don’t consider them an attack upon your autonomy. Like I’ve said, your choices were to work with the bond, ignore it, or break it. You chose to work on it even if you found it unpleasant.”

“Only because it would be worse to ignore it or break it,” he says, grinding his teeth. It feels like dancing around the issue rather than actually addressing it. “How is that a choice?”

“Mitigation is still a valid method for making a choice, sometimes those are the only options in bad situations,” she says. “You’re somehow one of my most resistant patients despite being the one most decisively committed to protecting your bond.”

Ryan imagines that’s because he’s the only one that knows how bad a bond can get. “I don’t see how just saying it’s a choice helps anything.”

“Reframing or changing how you think about a situation can be very helpful in tolerating stressful situations. Take stage fright. I’m sure as NHLers you’ve both experienced butterflies in your stomach or something of that nature. It’s a stress response prior to a game. If you read it as excitement then it’s a positive experience you associate with getting to play the sport you love. If you read the same physical symptoms as anxiety, however, it can become a very negative experience.”

“Stage fright isn’t the same as a bond,” he says, feeling like he’s just being wound tighter and tighter. 

“No, it isn’t,” she says. “But it’s still possible to do something similar with a bond. You clearly find the bond stressful, focusing on all the negatives and everything about it that makes you uncomfortable about it. In the session on our own, you practically rejected any of the benefits you could get from it. If you continue to refuse to see any positives to bonding then you will not improve.”

“It’s not that there aren’t positives, but that they don’t outweigh the risks,” he argues. 

“Then why try?”

“Because Connor doesn’t deserve that.”

“And what about what you deserve?” she asks. 

Ryan’s so thrown for a loop he doesn’t say anything. Connor raises his hand like they’re in school and adds, “I think Ryan deserves a nice bond.”

Dr. Reid smiles like she thinks what Connor said is cute. Ryan turns to him and asks, “What does that even  _ mean _ ?” 

“That you should like actually like the bond or something,” he says. 

“I deserve to be unbonded,” Ryan says, rolling his eyes. 

“What makes you say that?” Dr. Reid asks. 

“Well, I don’t want one and I’m not any good at it anyways,” he says, crossing his arms. 

“I disagree,” she says, shaking her head. “From everything you’ve said, and everything I’ve seen from you, you’re basically living out your worst nightmare. Yet, you continue to be engaged and try. Despite all of the stress and hardship this is causing you, you’re still concerned about Connor’s wellbeing and desires rather than, I don’t know, blaming him or trying to take it out on him for examples. I’ve seen so many young bondmates who expect to coast by and have it just happen for them because they got along with their bondmate prior to bonding. All anyone is asking of you is that you try, and you are. If that’s the criteria for being a good bondmate, then you meet it. Don’t you deserve as much out of this bond as Connor?”

Ryan clenches his jaw and shakes his head. He has nothing to say because he can’t find anything to counter her on, but what she’s saying feels wrong. He should be unbonded. It’s easier and safer. “And what if I still just don’t want it?”

“Well, that’s exactly what we’re trying to address. How can you want something if you only see the negatives?” she asks. “Maybe if you won’t hear them from me, you’ll hear them from Connor.”

Ryan looks over to Connor, who looks surprised Dr. Reid is even talking to him, and crosses his arms. 

“What am I doing?” Connor asks. 

“Explaining to Ryan what the benefits to the bond are either general to bonds or specific to bonding to him,” she explains. “Anything you think might be helpful or that he should think about.”

“Oh, um,” he says, glancing at Ryan out of the corner of his eye then down to the floor. “Well, I’ve told him about my dad and how I thought I might bond to Stromer. So, I always thought the bond would be kind of a great thing. Like, my dad and his bondmate always seemed happy together and close, sort of like an even better than best friends thing. I think anyone would want that, and I like Stromer a lot so I thought it would be good. I just thought it would be nice to have someone with me and get me.”

Ryan remembers their conversation about what they wanted from their bondmates. 

“In other words, the benefit of a bond for you would be a deep and long term relationship,” Dr. Reid says. 

“Yeah, pretty much,” he says, nodding. 

“And do you think that it would be possible for you to build a relationship like that with Ryan?” she asks. 

Connor looks over at Ryan, evaluating. “Yeah, if we ever get past all of his issues with bonds. It seems like two steps forward, one step back a lot of the time.”

“That’s typical with behavioral changes, asking people to rethink major aspects of their lives. Forging new habits and perspectives is difficult,” she says. “I think we should go back to practicing opening up the bond again, partly because I’m sure you both need the experience, but also so Ryan can learn there’s something to be gained from it. Connor, when you’re ready.”

Ryan holds in his sigh. He’d been hoping to avoid it for longer. 

“Okay,” Connor says, and he drops the block without having to close his eyes. “Now what?”

“I’m mostly curious in Ryan’s responses. Connor, you seem fairly comfortable with the bond open. How are you feeling Ryan? Is just having the bond open uncomfortable?”

“Yes, everything can just come through,” Ryan says, desperately trying to hold his feelings in tight. Each time they open up the bond Connor just seems closer and more enveloping. Connor’s curiosity feels sticky on Ryan’s skin. 

“That’s not entirely accurate. You do have some ability to control what comes through. You’re also young and this is a new bond. You won’t be able to read each other’s emotions over the bond with complete clarity yet. Even in these sessions Connor’s had trouble sensing your emotions.”

“Yeah, he feels all coiled up,” Connor adds. “I can’t tell what’s what.”

“That actually is a method of concealment some bondmates prefer when they need times of privacy or separation. They tuck things away and overlap emotions to make them more difficult to read and make them less clear and obtrusive to their bondmates,” she explains. “It’s not a bad thing to know how to do, but it is the opposite of what we’re trying to practice here. You should be trying to reach out to Connor, Ryan.”

Ryan looks at Connor, openly staring at him and waiting, and just can’t make himself reach out to him. 

“What’s stopping you from reaching out to Connor?” she asks. 

Fear mostly. Ryan doesn’t look away from Connor while he shakes his head because he can’t say it though Connor already knows. Ryan can feel Connor growing more worried and hurt the longer he does nothing. 

“Here’s another way of looking at it,” Dr Reid says. “You are unhappy as you are and find the bond stressful. Don’t reach out to Connor and nothing will change, you will stay miserable. If you reach out to Connor, he will know what you’re feeling and things will change. Let’s say that change has a 50% chance of improving things and a 50% chance of making things worse. Would you take that risk?”

Ryan does nothing. 

“But it’s not really a 50% chance, is it Ryan? You’ve been talking to Connor daily for two months. You went to comfort him after he was injured. You’ve even slept in the same bed as him. Do you really think reaching out to him now will make things worse?”

Ryan finds that he doesn’t, steels himself, then reaches out really quickly, not even paying attention which emotion he uses, as if going really quickly would make less impact. 

Connor makes a noise of surprise and reaches for his neck. “Jesus, you didn’t need to jab me in the throat with it.”

“Oh my god,” Ryan says, horrified. “I didn’t mean to. I’m so sorry.”

Connor laughs, grabbing the hand Ryan had held up to reassure him with and when had they stopped sitting all the way on the ends of the couch from each other? “It’s fine,” he says. 

“Oh,” Ryan says, not sure what to do and mostly feeling embarrassed. 

Connor smiles at him, carefully reaching out to him with more happiness. Ryan just focuses on holding it all together. 

“Better?” Dr. Reid asks. 

“Yes,” Connor answers.

“I think we can end our session there then. We won’t see each other again until the new year, but you are free to get in touch with me over the holidays if anything comes up.”

“Okay,” Connor says. 

Ryan nods, not trusting his voice at the moment.

“You good?” Connor asks once they’re out of the office. He still hasn’t put the block back up so it’s not like Ryan can lie to him. 

“I will be,” he says, and he sounds terrible. He doesn’t know why he’s feeling all emotional about it, but he is. Then he adds, “I don’t like this.”

Connor makes a face like he’s trying really hard not to laugh. Ryan would be for real upset with him because he really is distressed about this except Connor continues to send soft, warm feelings over the bond. It’s just hard to be mad at that. Connor takes hold of both of Ryan’s hands, smoothing his thumbs over the backs. “I know, but I’m really happy you did it.”

“Good, you should be,” he says, which is about the dumbest thing he could say. 

Connor laughs that time, quiet but genuinely amused. Ryan’s a bit embarrassed about it, but also finds it a little settling. Connor takes a deep breath in then lets it out. “I’m going to block it off again, but maybe we can open it up more in the future?”

Ryan hesitates. “Okay,”

Connor blocks off the bond, and Ryan’s left on his own with the ringing ears sensation. He can relax again, and he gives Connor’s hands a squeeze before letting go. Connor sticks as close as he can to him before they need to separate for their cars. 

Sophie greets Ryan at the door once he gets home. He spends way more time cuddling with her than he normally would, and she enjoys the extra attention. He has to go run a few errands as they’re coming to the end of their homestand which somehow leads to him reorganizing his room once he gets back from them. He’s in the process of collecting all the random bits of paper from around the room when he realizes that one of them is the list he started making with Dr. Reid after Connor broke his collarbone. 

He sets aside the stack he’d made of all the other paper and sits down with the list. Looking over it again, it’s a pretty shitty list. It reads keep the bond followed by, don’t hurt Connor, don’t sprain the bond, spend time with Connor, and get to know Connor. Four things which, while important, are things he’s already doing and clearly aren’t enough. 

Ryan finds a pen then adds, reunite after roadies because he’s not putting down sleep with Connor. He adds practice barriers because it allows him to then put down practice opening bond with Connor. He’s not sure what to add after that. 

Dr. Reid had put keep the bond in the center, but the list is off to the left. Ryan draws a line down the page, a little off of center, to create a second section and titles the new column benefits. He writes down feel his happiness. Then he puts the pen away and folds the paper up so none of the words are showing. He goes back to sorting out all the paper in his room and putting them away where they belong. The list finds a new home on top of his bureau where he’ll see it every morning and every night that he’s home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've decided to put in Lauren Rodych (who irl has become Lauren Rodych-Eberle after marrying Jordan Eberle) instead of Adam Nugent-Hopkins at least for the moment. She really does do like a billion things because she's a music teacher and works for a theater company and an entrepreneur and works in both Edmonton and Calgary and has been doing so since she graduated from uni. She is a very intense lady and has my respect. 
> 
> I've been excited for the family skate just for writing the skating aspect. How many strides it takes to get across a rink is kind of a whatever number because it's highly variable. Like long, powerful pushes can get you there in four, but if you're racing you'll want shorter more frequent strides. I did my best because I can't skate at the NHL level. Also, I gave Connor an oh no he's hot moment this chapter, but this is a story from Ryan's pov so he doesn't notice at all. I swear to you the romance will happen even if it's a very slow burn at the moment. I put a little bit more CBT into the therapy session this time. I try to keep the length of the sessions consistent to kind of give that sense that you only have an hour to discuss whatever the issue is even if it's something big and needs more time, and this chapter's session felt rushed despite keeping it to the same length. Not sure if it's an issue because therapy is like that sometimes. 
> 
> Overall this chapter is like here look at the progress we've made while also acknowledging there's further to go type of thing. Hope you enjoyed!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have kinda mixed feelings about this chapter even though I included family in my Cheesby soulbond story. I actually shortened this though it definitely doesn't seem like it because I didn't want to spend all that much time with the McDavid's, but there's a few reason it ended up the way it has. I think family/friends do matter in romance and try to include that when I write it, but like mostly I just wanted to write about Ryan and Connor giving gifts to each other. 
> 
> I'm also okay about including the McDavid family over Ryan's because Cameron does commercials and stuff with Connor and the McDavid parents have done tv interviews and such. I haven't even seen what Ryan's parents look like on the internet so that's definitely a difference.

The Oilers end their win streak on the second game of the road trip. It’s only a little bit sad Ryan feels relaxed with the loss, but keeping up a win streak on a bad team is stressful. Everyone just trying way too hard not to be the one that fucks it all up. They’re out east in Boston then New York, and Ryan’s glad he practiced his barriers. Connor’s all the way back in Edmonton, and the pit just sits there waiting for him. The barrier is only enough to take the edge off. They lose in Chicago then Colorado, and Ryan’s mood improves as the pit recedes as he gets closer to Connor.

Once they’re back in Edmonton, Ryan can let the barrier drop. He also catches a ride with Hallsy and Gazzy again to spend 24 hours with Connor. He feels somewhere in the middle of the road trips, not calmer than the past time but not so desperate as the first.

Connor greets them at the door. “Hey,” he says smiling.

“We know you’re not really here to see us,” Hallsy teases as he makes his way around Connor. “Bondmates, only got eyes for each other.”

Gazzy laughs, but Ryan says, “Shut up.”

He still hugs Connor as soon as he gets in the door and drops his bag. He has his arms around Connor’s shoulders and tucks his head down as well. Connor and the bond must be getting to him because he stays in the hug for longer than he typically would. It’s hard not to enjoy the feeling of wholeness and the press of Connor’s hands on his back though.

Connor gives him a squeeze then says with a sigh, “Missed you.”

“Missed you, too,” Ryan mumbles back.

Connor pulls back to smile at him, leaving his hands on Ryan’s waist. “How was the trip? Was it okay with the barriers? Because I could feel the difference, and I’ve got the block on my side.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t great, but it was okay,” he says. “What does it even feel like for you?”

“I just feel,” he trails off, shaking his head and shrugging. “Worn out, I guess. Separated.”

“Yeah, I feel it, too,” he says, nodding. He releases Connor and picks up his bags. Then he looks back to Connor. “Am I putting these in the guest room or?”

Connor startles, “You’d be okay staying in my room? You’re sure?”

Ryan figures he can’t make it any worse since they’ve already crossed the line. “Yeah, just give me a little space, and it’ll be okay.”

“Okay, sure.”

Ryan drops his bags off in Connor’s room, and everyone congregates again in the living room. They decide on playing video games rather than watching something this time. It involves a lot of Ryan and Hallsy shoving at each other even though it’s a hundred percent not necessary. Gazzy threatens to sit between them many times. They cut it out and switch to a movie after dinner.

Afterwards, Ryan follows Connor up to his room. He still feels some nerves crossing over the threshold. If Connor is nervous at all he doesn’t show it.

“Hey, I wanted to talk a little bit about the plan for Christmas,” Connor says after they’ve changed into pajamas.

“I’ve got the flight itinerary and everything,” he says. Connor has emailed them to him after he’d booked the flights, and Ryan had flagged it so he’d be able to find it again in his nightmare of an inbox.

“Yeah, uh, I meant about my family,” he says, making a weird gesture with his hand as he sits on his bed. “Normally we do Christmas with my dad’s bondmate’s family, but like we’re going to be traveling on Christmas day anyways, and we didn’t want to overwhelm you with people.”

“Oh, you didn’t have to do that, change everything up because of me,” Ryan says, guilty.

Connor shrugs. “I think it would still be that way even if we hadn’t bonded. There’s just not that much time.”

He cautiously agrees, “Okay.”

“But I also wanted to warn you that Cameron, my older brother, is kind of an ass so he’ll probably be a dick to you when we first get there. I’ve been trying to get him to back off, but it hasn’t worked so far,” he says, making a face.

“Okay,” he says, because he’d be more surprised if that didn’t happen. “And you’re sure it’s okay that I don’t bring get them any gifts?”

“Yes, nothing’s changed from last time. I mean, Cam doesn’t even deserve one anyways so it’s definitely fine,” he confirms for like the tenth time.

Ryan nods, knowing that he’s already gotten gifts for them anyways.

“I think I can take your brother,” Ryan says.

Connor gives him a considering look.

“That makes me feel less confident.”

Connor laughs. “No, I mean, obviously you’re more in shape than him, but I was trying to figure out who like would win an argument, but I think you’d just leave.”

“I mean, that does seem to be my move,” he says, frowning. He is still not exactly impressed with himself just leaving Connor in a restaurant.

“Unless you decide to out stubborn him,” Connor says, tapping his chin. “You do not like to change your mind.”

“That sounds like an insult.”

“It wasn’t meant to be. It was just neutral.”

“So what exactly is his problem with me?” Ryan asks as he climbs onto the bed.

“He’s an annoying dick that’s his problem cause it’s not like he knows you at all,” he says. “He harps on your age a lot.”

“That’s fair,” he says, and imagines if their ages were reversed Adam would probably do the same. Well, if Adam talked to him about his bond at all that is.

“You’re the same age as my brother. Four years and uni did not make him that different of a person.”

Ryan shrugs. It’s kind of useless to try and explain to teens the difference of being a teen and someone in their early twenties. No one gets it until they go through it. Still. “I changed a lot in four years.”

Connor fixes him with another considering look. “In what way? Is this gonna be a warning about fame getting to my head?”

As much as Ryan wants to be honest with Connor as a bondmate, he’s not ready to discuss this. “No, but you just live through things, learn to do less stupid shit. Well, maybe that’s not a problem for you, you seem way less dumb than I was at eighteen.”

“I don’t know why you keep calling yourself dumb,” he says. “You’ve never once seemed dumb.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t see it,” he says, pulling back the covers trying to end the conversation.

“So what did you do then?”

Ryan sighs. “It wasn’t so much one thing, and we shouldn’t get into it tonight.”

“Okay,” Connor says, voice all gentle like he knows he hit a soft spot. “You sure we can’t cuddle?”

“Why are you so into it?”

“I’m not _that_ into it. I like it like a normal amount. Why wouldn’t I want to touch the people I like?”

“Personal space?” Ryan tries as he settles into bed.

“Overrated,” Connor says with a scoff as he curls up under the covers next to Ryan.

“You would think that,” Ryan says.

“Well I definitely don’t get what you think about it.”

“What I think about personal space? I like it. It’s not that complicated. Nobody needs to be touching people all the time.”

“I mean sure, but like no touching ever? That just seems sad.”

“I like not being bothered,” he says. “Turn out the light and go to sleep.”

“Fine, grumpy,” he says in a teasing tone, reaching out and turning the lamp off. “G’night.”

“Night.”

Ryan drops off to sleep quickly. He wakes to his alarm as they have a game that day. Thankfully Connor isn’t all up in his space this time. Ryan stays for breakfast, and after that he had a more typical game day. They play Winnipeg that night and win, ending on a good note before the holidays.

Ryan wakes early, grumpy, and tense to his alarm blaring. He shuts it off, groaning as he gets out of bed. He’d been fine with Connor wanting all the time he could get with his family until that moment. He’d set his alarm as late as possible and he has to rush to make it to the taxi, his compromise to Connor. Connor got the flights so Ryan got the taxi seeing as Hallsy lived closer to the airport.

The taxi driver thankfully didn’t care that Ryan only said hello and Hallsy’s address before completely zoning out and staring out the window. They find Connor standing outside waiting for them.

“How are you?” Connor asks once he gets into the backseat with Ryan.

“Alive,” Ryan grumbles, wrapping his arms around himself.  

“Good enough,” he says, and the driver turns on music.

Ryan leads the way into the airport once they get there, going to the counter to check his bag. Connor deviates to go to a kiosk, returning as the customer service lady prints out Ryan’s ticket.

“Why did you check a bag?” Connor asks, voice neutral as they begin moving towards security.

“What’s wrong with checking a bag?”

“Uh, nothing other than it costs money and you had absolutely no reason to.”

“There’s plenty of reasons to check a bag.”

“Not on a three day trip with a bag that size,” Connor says then ducks in closer to Ryan. “What did you do?”

“I got your parents a really expensive bottle of wine which I packed in a shit ton of bubble wrap,” he admits with a defeated sigh.

“I told you, you didn’t have to get anything,” he says, smiling about it as their tickets are checked to be let into the line for security. “Mom will probably love you though. Did you get something for Cam? C’mon, what’d you get him?”

Ryan sighs. “I got him an ugly Christmas sweater.”

Connor laughs, drawing the attention of every other exhausted early morning passenger wondering who the hell could experience joy in an airport at that hour. “Why would you get him that?”

“I don’t know,” he says, holding up his hands uselessly. “I figure if he doesn’t like it he can forget about it for a year.”

“You really didn’t have to do any of that,” Connor says, quieter now.

“I’m sorry for wanting to make a good impression on your family. I am going to have to see them in the future, you know.”

“You’re my bondmate,” Connor says, putting his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “They have to like you.”

Ryan nods, but he doesn’t know that that’s true at all.

Airport security is annoying, but Ryan’s an old hand at it by this point. They make it through without any issue and make their way to their gate. He’s really hoping nobody recognizes or bothers them while they’re waiting to board.

“You want any coffee?” Connor asks.

“No, I’m planning on sleeping,” he answers, giving Connor a look for the crazy suggestion.

“Okay,” he says, backing off easily.

They get seats at their gate, and Ryan checks their boarding time before slouching down and pulling down the brim of his hat. He doesn’t do more than doze, but it’s better than sitting there fully awake. Connor leans his shoulder against his, but otherwise leaves him be until boarding is called.

The plane has a small first class section, and it had been filled by the time Connor had bought the tickets. They board somewhere in the middle of the pack, and the woman scanning everyone through definitely does a double take at seeing their names though she doesn’t say anything.

“Do you want the window seat or middle?” Connor asks as they head down the ramp.

“Doesn’t matter, I’m gonna be asleep,” he says.

“Take the window then.”

“What are you planning on doing?”

Connor shrugs, and Ryan lets it go. Ryan boards the plane first, finding his seat towards the middle of the plane. Whoever has the aisle seat hasn’t gotten there yet, and Ryan makes it to his seat easily. Connor puts his bag in the bin then joins him. Ryan shuts the window cover even though it’s still dark out, pulls his cap down again, and is asleep before the stewards begin their safety spiel. He wakes up a couple times, but he doesn’t stay awake until the last hour of the four hour flight.

“Feeling better?” Connor asks, looking up from his phone.

“Yeah, now that it’s a more normal hour,” he says. “What are you up to?”

“Nothing, just been listening to music,” he says, adjusting the cord of his earbuds. He only has one in on the side facing the stranger also dozing on his other side.

“That’s nice.”

Connor smiles then presses his shoulder against Ryan’s. “You wanna watch something?”

“Sure.”

Connor passes the other earbud to him, and he watches whatever Connor had downloaded.

They land and deplane without any problems though an older guy does recognize them and asks for a picture because that’s Toronto for you. They continue on to the baggage carousel that has the bags from their plane.

“You had to get them wine,” Connor says with a sigh as he leans against a pillar.

“Shut up,” Ryan says. “I was being nice.”

“It’s both boring and inconvenient.”

“What did you get them then?”

“I got my mom some sweater she’s been thinking about getting, and my dad a book on hockey history because he apparently needs more of those,” he says. “Both of which fit in my carry on and didn’t need to be checked.”

Ryan sighs and waits impatiently for the baggage carousel to get moving. It’s an unfortunately long wait as his bag doesn’t come out anywhere near first.

“Finally, God,” Connor says with a sigh when Ryan finally picks out his bag on the carousel. “Mom’s been texting and asking where we are.”

“You didn’t text her back?”

Connor shoots him a look for that before leading the way to the departure doors. Connor looks around trying to find his parents. He smiles then looks back to Ryan and says, “Found ‘em.”

Connor guides the way between the people crowding the airport to his parents. His mother practically shouts when she sees him and gathers him up in a hug. His father smiles at them, but waits his turn before hugging Connor himself. Ryan decides that Connor favors his father much more than his mother in appearance.

Mrs. McDavid then turns to Ryan with a large smile. “Hi, I’m Connor’s mom, Kelly.”

“Hi, I’m Ryan Nugent-Hopkins,” he says, offering out his hand for a handshake.

She gathers him up into a hug like she had her son instead, and Ryan tries not to be weird and freak out about it. “It’s so good to meet you.”

She steps back then puts a hand on her husband’s arm, “This is Brian, Connor’s father.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. McDavid,” he says, offering out his hand and really hoping he’s not hugged again. “I’m Ryan.”

Mr. McDavid laughs and shakes his hand, and Ryan is relieved. “Good to meet you, too, but you can call me Brian.”

Ryan nods, but he’s definitely not going to do that.

“We should get going since we’ve got Cam waiting at home for us. We’ll have a couple hours to relax before we head out for dinner,” Mrs. McDavid says.

“Out for dinner?” Ryan asks then turns to Connor. “You didn’t tell me to pack anything nice.”

“Oh, no, no,” Mrs. McDavid says, putting a hand on Ryan’s arm. “It’s casual. It’s a local pub that the boys have always liked. We thought we’d save all the cooking for tomorrow and Christmas Eve.”

“I didn’t know we were going out either,” Connor adds, “But that’s fine.”

“We thought it would be a nice surprise for you,” Mr. McDavid says, smiling and putting a hand on Connor’s shoulder.

They make their way out of the airport to its parking lot. Ryan realizes why Cameron had been left at home when he sees the sedan Mr. McDavid unlocks. It wouldn’t be easy to fit a third person of their size into the back seat. He and Connor put their bags in the trunk before getting into the back seat.

“So, Ryan,” Mrs. McDavid says after they’ve pulled out and get moving. She twists around in her seat to face him. “I know you’ve been to Toronto before from playing, but have you gotten much chance to explore at all?”

“Not too much, just down town,” he answers. “There’s never all that much time.”

“I understand,” she says with a nod. “We obviously can’t do much right now with it being the holidays and you only here for a few days, but there’s always the future. We can work out going to places you might like to see the next time you’re in town.”

“Uh, yeah, we can do that,” he says because for some reason this hadn’t occurred to him with meeting the McDavid family. Somehow knowing that he’d have to get along with them for the future hadn’t connected with him having to plan trips and other things with them.

“Don’t pressure him, mom. He doesn’t like anything east or south of Edmonton,” Connor says, leaning forwards. “You know, like the entirety of the rest of the continent.”

“That’s not what I said,” Ryan argues. “I said I wouldn’t want to live east or south of Edmonton. It’s fine to visit.”

“What prompted that conversation?” Mrs. McDavid asks, looking concerned.

Ryan shakes his head, “Nothing, just trade talk.”

“You’re not worried about that are you? Soulbonded players can’t be traded away from each other, right?” Mr. McDavid asks, glancing at Ryan through the rearview mirror.

“Yeah, if they’re already on the same team. They made it part of the new CBA after the whole thing with Richards and Carter getting traded from each other,” he answers.

“I feel so bad for those two,” Mrs. McDavid says, shaking her head. “I looked them all up, you know, after Connor told us he had bonded to you. I hope you two aren’t planning on doing anything crazy like them. I don’t know much about Benn and Seguin, but they seem like the only ones with their heads on and not involved in this breaking bond nonsense.”

Ryan shrugs. “Don’t feel bad for Carter.”

“Why’s that?” Mrs. McDavid asks.

“He broke their bond just to try and bond with someone else,” Ryan says, trying to keep his tone even, but he’s not sure he totally keeps the disgust out of it. “It didn’t even work.”

No one says anything for a few moments.

“Well, it’s good you two are seeing a bond specialist. I’d be much more nervous if you weren’t seeing her. You’re both just so young,” she says, and sighs.

“I suppose hockey makes it seem all very high stakes,” Mr. McDavid muses.

“We also get bonded young,” Ryan adds.

Connor shoots him a look for that. Mrs. McDavid, however, nods. “I’m not bonded so I don’t know for sure, but it seems like it’s a lot to ask of people your ages.”

“Mom,” Connor complains.

“What? I’m still your mother. I’m allowed to worry.”

Ryan gets the feeling this is a well worn argument between them.

“Well, I know for me, I didn’t meet my bondmate or your mother until I was older. I think it would have gone very differently if we’d met earlier,” Mr. McDavid says.

Ryan shoots Connor a pointed look, and he rolls his eyes.

Mrs. McDavid returns to brainstorming places they can take Ryan to visit in the future, and that occupies the rest of the ride to the McDavid house.

“Brace yourself,” Connor tells Ryan as they get their bags out of the trunk.

“It’ll be fine,” Ryan tells him, and they follow Connor’s parents up to the house.

“We’re back,” Mr. McDavid calls into the house after he gets the door open.

“Welcome back,” Cameron calls out from somewhere in the house. He joins them in the foyer as the rest of them are getting their shoes off. “How was the trip?”

“It was fine,” Connor answers, stepping forward to greet his brother with a hug.

“Good,” he says.

Connor pulls back from his brother and gestures to Ryan. “Cam, this is Ryan. Ryan, Cam.”

“Hi,” Ryan says, stepping forward to shake Cameron’s hand. Cameron definitely sizes him up over the handshake.

“Connor, can you show him to the guest room so he can put his stuff down?” Mrs. McDavid asks.

“Sure,” Connor says, picking up his bag again. “Follow me.”

He leads him upstairs to one of the doors on the second floor. “This is the guest room. Looks like they organized for you.”

The room has a daybed and a desk with a filing cabinet next to it. It clearly functions as a home office when there’s not a guest. Ryan sets his bag on the foot of the bed before following Connor back out into the hall.

“This is the bathroom,” Connor says a little unnecessarily because the door is open. “My room is over here if you’re curious.”

His room in his parents house is much more cluttered than his room at Hallsy’s. There’s keepsakes and trophies and other pieces of his childhood everywhere in the room. There are posters of Crosby and Leafs on the wall, but no dirty clothes on the floor.

“See you’ve got a Crosby thing.”

Connor looks over to the nearest Crosby poster. “I don’t have a thing for Crosby. I just, I don’t know, thought we had some similarities though I don’t play much like him.”

“I said a Crosby thing, not a thing for Crosby,” he says with a shrug. “My Crosby thing is I still feel like a star struck kid next to him whenever we play the Penguins. I’ll maybe get over it someday.”

“Oh, yeah,” he says, grinning sheepishly. “That I definitely have.”

Ryan considers the posters again then looks at Connor. “You know, people will have McDavid things in the future.”

“I don’t know about that,” he says, ducking his head.

“You’re a big deal, hot shot,” Ryan says, mostly teasing and walking over to knock his shoulder into Connor’s. “Seriously, though. You know how good you are even if you’re on IR at the moment.”

Connor makes an annoyed noise at the back of his throat. “I just want to play.”

“I know,” he says, gently. He’s been on IR in the NHL, and it’s painful and grueling.

“We should head back downstairs,” Connor says, moving away first for once.

Ryan follows him down. The rest of the day features mostly the McDavids talking to each other and catching up. They don’t exclude him, and part of it is Ryan intentionally fading into the background to talk less, but he doesn’t know three of them. He doesn’t know the people they know, like Mr. McDavid’s bondmate and his family. Connor keeps looking at him, a question on his face, and Ryan just smiles back at him.

At dinner though, it changes. He’s just eating, a dish recommended to him by Connor’s mom, and assesses himself in the situation. The McDavids all have a sense of humor in common and an energy together and they add in extra information just for Ryan’s sake (well, not Cameron). He’s the odd man out, eating dinner with his bondmate’s family for the first time which should be stressful, but he just feels fine. And he’s never had a family meal like this.

Suddenly, it all hurts. He focuses on eating even though it no longer tastes like anything because that’s all he can do over the tightness in his chest and the ache in his jaw. He can’t wait to escape, but the McDavids order dessert and are still happily talking when the waitress comes with the bill.

When they finally get back to the McDavid house, he announces, “I think I’m going to head to bed.”

“Oh, of course,” Mrs. McDavid says, laying a hand on his arm again. “You must be so exhausted after all the travel and everything.”

Connor follows him upstairs without saying anything. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Ryan says, opening the door to the guest room and letting Connor in behind him.

“You seemed kind of upset at dinner though. We didn’t say anything that upset you, did we? Cam didn’t say half the shit I thought he would, but if it was something else.”

“No, Connor, it was fine. Your family is really nice,” he says, and he means it earnestly. It doesn’t convince him though.

“Then what’s the problem?” he asks.

Ryan sighs and sits down on the bed. “Nothing. There isn’t one.”

“Then why are you upset?” he asks, more gentle this time. He sits down next to Ryan on the bed, turned towards him.

He considers not saying anything, but then who else would he tell this to? “Because my family isn’t like that. We’ve never had a family dinner like that. Not once.”

Connor doesn’t say anything for a moment then, quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t, it’s not your fault. My parents just,” he stops, closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Shouldn’t have been.”

“Ryan,” he says, putting a hand on Ryan’s arm the way his mother had.

“You’re really lucky,” he says, shifting towards Connor. “I’m really glad for you, that your family is like this.”

“We’re really not all that perfect. We’ve got our bad days, too,” he says, and he adjusts so that he has both of his hands settled on Ryan’s arm. “But they’ll be your family, too. That’s how bondmates work, you know? It’s like getting married into it.”

Ryan smiles, not really because he feels better or anything’s been fixed, but just because Connor is trying. Connor sighs and gives his arm a squeeze. Ryan puts his hand over one of Connor’s hands. They stay quiet, and Ryan can feel some of the hurt in his chest slowly ease.

The next morning, Ryan wakes to Connor shoving at his shoulder. “What are you doing?” he complains, smacking his hand away.

“Mom and Dad are making breakfast, and they told me to wake you up,” he says then yawns.

Ryan forces himself up enough to check the time, and it’s not even nine yet. He sighs and drops back down to the bed. “It’s Christmas. Can’t I sleep in?”

“They’re making pancakes and bacon and eggs,” he adds.

“Fine, I’m up,” he says, sitting up in bed.

“I’ll see you downstairs.”

Ryan goes through his full morning routine before coming down stairs. Ryan makes it downstairs to discover he is the only one fully dressed. Connor and Cameron are in pajamas, and the McDavid parents are cooking together with matching full length robes over their pajamas. Cameron side eyes him for the outfit, but Connor just looks amused.

“There’s not a dress code for breakfast,” Connor says.

“Oh, Ryan, honey, what do you want to drink?” Mrs. McDavid asks, looking away from the pancakes she’s making. “We’ve got water, milk, a couple different juices. Connor can get you a cup.”

“I’m good, thanks,” Ryan says, not sure anymore people would fit in the kitchen. Despite the room being somewhat open concept with the kitchen open to the dining room, the u-shaped kitchen wasn’t large. Two people cooking filled most of the room.

“Shouldn’t be too much longer until we’re ready,” Mr. McDavid says.

A few minutes later, breakfast is served with all the pancakes and bacon on a platter with scrambled eggs on a separate plate. Mrs. McDavid also brings out a gravy boat that matches the platter filled with warmed maple syrup, the real kind. Cameron and Connor start serving themselves before everyone is even seated. Breakfast goes a lot like the dinner had the night before, but Ryan doesn’t get quite so tense from it. It probably helps that Mr. and Mrs. McDavid ask him a lot of questions about his childhood and time in juniors. Ryan answers them carefully.

Cameron’s issue with Ryan doesn’t come out until that evening, when the kids have retreated to the basement away from the parents. Connor goes back up to get a refill of popcorn, and then it’s just Ryan and Cameron.

Cameron leans forward in his seat and says, “I don’t like you.”

Ryan gives him a bland look because he’s not exactly impressed. “Okay.”

“I especially don’t trust you with Connor.”

Ryan finds that reasonable. “What are you going to do about it? I’m bound to him, remember?”

“That just makes it worse,” he says, and his anger is certainly more contained than Connor’s. “He’s eighteen and you’re four years older than him.”

“I’m aware.”

Cameron glares at him. “You’re really not making a case for yourself here.”

Ryan shrugs. “What would the point of that be? You don’t like or trust me so what does it matter what I say if you won’t believe it? None of it matters. Your opinion of me doesn’t change that I’ve bonded to Connor. It’s not like you can chase me off if you hate me enough or whatever.”

“Fuck you,” he snaps. “Do you even care about him at all?”

“I don’t owe you anything. I’m not accountable to you. The only person’s opinion on this bond that matters is Connor’s.”

It’s not as if Cameron really knows Ryan after a day and a half anyways. It would be easier for Connor if they got along, but Ryan doesn’t care to put in the effort to change anyone’s mind, not when they’re ultimately being reasonable. He can’t really hate Cameron for wanting to make sure his brother is safe and treated well. The bond is enough trouble on its own.

Cameron glares at him with a clenched jaw. “It’s pretty fucked up if you actually think that. Other people do care about what you do to Connor. Fuck, I don’t understand how he can defend you.”

Ryan doesn’t know what Connor’s said about him to Cameron, how defensive it is or isn’t. “I didn’t ask him to.”

Connor comes back downstairs, and Cameron holds his tongue though it’s pretty clear he’s not happy to. Connor sets the large popcorn bowl on the coffee table then sits down next to Ryan with their shoulders touching. Cameron looks away and some of the tension drains away.

They open gifts the following day. Mr. and Mrs. McDavid seem pleased with the wine Ryan got them. They had gotten him a tie that was Oilers blue and a book of sheet music for popular songs on guitar. Connor must have told them at some point he was learning the instrument in his spare time. It’d been put on the backburner since the bond though. Cameron gave the ugly sweater a weird look, but didn’t comment on it. Ryan was just fine with receiving nothing from him.

Connor gives him a toy for Sophie, and a gift card to a restaurant they had been to for lunch that Ryan suddenly remembers he said was his new favorite. Connor gives him a look and says, “You seriously didn’t get me anything? After checking your bag to bring my parents something, and getting something for Cameron.”

“I got you here, didn’t I?” Ryan jokes.

“No you didn’t, I bought the tickets,” he says, smiling.

“I did get you something, but it’s not easy to wrap.”

Connor narrows his eyes at him. “Is it big?”

“Yeah, pretty big,” he says thought he doesn’t mean it in terms of literal, physical size.

Connor makes a face. “Did you even bring it here?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Then what is it? If it was big, how’d it fit in your suitcase?”

“I didn’t put it in my suitcase.”

“What?” Connor asks. “What is it if you didn’t put it in your suitcase?”

Ryan glances over to Connor’s family. They’re not really paying attention to them, but they could tune in if they wanted. “Later.”

Ryan is actually somewhat impressed with how patient Connor is because they don’t really get a chance to have time for just them until well after dinner.  They’re both standing after saying they had to head up to pack when Mr. McDavid stands up and asks, “Could I get a minute with you, Ryan?”

Connor turns back to his father, but Mr. McDavid just shakes his head. “Just Ryan,” he clarifies.

Connor gives Ryan a look, and Ryan shrugs. Mrs. McDavid gives them both a soft smile so she must know whatever Mr. McDavid wants to talk to him about. Cameron is back to glaring so he probably doesn’t know what’s up, but doesn’t like it anyways.

“I’ll see you upstairs,” Connor says, putting a hand on his shoulder before heading up.

Mr. McDavid leads the way out of the living room into the kitchen, flicking on the light as he enters. “It’s not anything bad.”

“I didn’t think it was,” Ryan says carefully.

“Meeting your bondmate’s parents is scary. Worse than meeting your girlfriend’s parents in my experience. More than that, you got thrown into the deep end having to spend a few days with us over the holidays for your first meeting. Kelly doesn’t understand it because she’s not bonded, but I am grateful that you came here with Connor.”

“It’s not a big deal,” he says, trying to brush it off.

“No, it is,” he says firmly then leans back against the counter. “I don’t think I can give you any advice that’s better than what your specialist will tell you. My bond isn’t much like yours and Connor’s. We were older, had known each other somewhat beforehand, and we could take our time with it.”

Ryan nods, not sure what Mr. McDavid wants to have this conversation for then.

“But I know my son, even if he hasn’t lived with us full time for a while.”

Ryan tenses, wondering if he’s about to get told off again. It’ll be much trickier if both Cameron and Mr. McDavid don’t like him.

“He’s an intense kid, always has been. He’s known exactly what he’s wanted his whole life, and done whatever he needed to succeed. He’s come out mature for his age for it, and he’s got high expectations for himself and the people around him,” he says then he sighs.

Ryan waits for him to follow up. He’s seen plenty of that in Connor for himself, but that doesn’t seem like the ultimate point.

“Tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think the Oilers are a fun team to be on.”

Ryan does nothing for a moment, wondering if he’s supposed to soften the blow or be honest. “In my opinion, no.”

He nods like he had expected that. “Connor’s never really dealt with something like that before, and I think that the injury has given him a kind of buffer so far.”

Ryan nods because Connor really hadn’t been on the team long before getting injured. Ryan had gotten injured much later into his rookie year.

“I’m worried that there might be,” he stops, tilting his head like he’s not sure of his wording. “A lack of resilience you could say with Connor regarding the state of the team.”

“It’s not as bad as it used to be,” he hedges then asks, “Why are you telling me this?”

“Connor’s told me you keep the bond blocked, but that won’t be forever. It’s going to affect you,” he says then gives Ryan a considering look. “He’s never had that many close friends despite all the people he knows through hockey. He’s now separated from all of them, and he’s always wanted a bondmate like mine. I’ve noticed that he’s been getting frustrated by what he sees as a lack of progress with your bond. I can’t say for sure what will happen, but I can see it being a bad combination. I just want you to be prepared when he returns to the team.”

“Why?” he asks, and he’s not sure that telling him any of this will help him or Connor if Connor does have trouble in the future.

He shrugs. “The best way to help my son out in Edmonton is to help you. That you were able to come here suggests you’re able to sacrifice in ways he hasn’t before. When or if the time comes, you’ll be in a better position than anyone to help Connor. I wouldn’t want to see you hurt over Connor’s growing pains either.”

Ryan nods, not certain what to do with that trust or the odd mix of selfishness and selflessness in this conversation.

“Go join Connor. I know you don’t want to be here talking with me.”

“Thanks,” Ryan says as he leaves, not sure if that’s the right response at all or not.

Ryan heads upstairs and sees that the door to the guest room is open and the light on. He goes in and finds Connor sitting on the bed, focused on his phone. Connor looks up when Ryan comes in. “What’d Dad want?”

“He wanted to talk about you,” he says, sitting down next to him.

“Me?” he asks, surprised.

“Yeah, he’s worried about you being on the Oilers,” he says then adds. “Being on the Oilers is rough.”

“I can handle it,” he says, squaring up like he has something to prove.

Ryan shakes his head. “It’s miserable for everyone, dude, doesn’t matter who you are. We don’t need to get into it.”   

Connor makes a face like he’s not ready to stand down yet. “Then tell me about this gift that’s too big to wrap that you somehow got here not in your suitcase.”

“Well, seeing as we get paid plenty to get ourselves what we want, I thought about what you want, and what I could give you, and,” he stalls, clenching his hands together and staring down at the bed. “I thought a good gift would be to give you time with the bond open without any block or barriers or anything, and not in front of Dr. Reid either.”

“Seriously?” he asks.

“If you don’t like it cause it’s like what we’re supposed to be doing anyway and dumb-,”

“No, no, no,” Connor says, interrupting him and throwing his arms around him and squeezing him tightly. “I like it so much.”

Ryan reaches out, not so much to hug Connor as to steady him. “You sure it’s not dumb? I did bring a back up gift.”

“No, no,” he assures him, pulling back enough so they can look at each other. “It’s, like, a lot that you’d give that to me. Not that you really had to give me anything after taking me home for Christmas. I was kidding earlier.”

“You bought the tickets so I didn’t bring you anywhere,” Ryan tells him. “It really isn’t that big a deal.”

Connor looks at him seriously. “Yes, it is. It really is.”

“What else could I have done? Dragged you out to my messed up family? Separated us so we could both be miserable?”

“Yeah, you could have. Just like you could have broken the bond as soon as you knew about it or that it was to me,” he says, slumping down. “You’re, like, always giving up a lot more than me for our bond.”

Ryan has no idea what he’s supposed to say to that, so he just sits there feeling numb and uncomfortable. “I wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, I’m realizing that,” he says then pulls away from Ryan completely. “I got you another gift, but I didn’t want to give it to you in front of everyone in case you got weird.”

“Okay?” Ryan says, not sure what Connor could have gotten him that would be weird.

He pulls a jewelry box out of his pocket and hands it to him. Ryan gives him a look before he opens it up and finds a bracelet inside. It looks simple, just a metal plate and braided black leather. He picks it up and feels engravings on the inside of the plate. He twists it around to see CM 10.13.2015 RNH engraved in the interior.

“The day we bonded and our initials?” he asks, feeling like this is a gift he should have given Connor rather than the other way around. Except that the engravings should be on the exterior.

Connor shrugs. “Not everyone knows the day they bonded. I figured it would be nice to have it down.”

“Why on the inside?”

“It’s for you. If you ever want to wear it, only you and me would know what it is if you didn’t want people to know. I tried to make it simple so it’d look like something you might just decide to wear though you’re not really a bracelet guy. Or you could get something engraved on the outside. I don’t know. I tried.”

“Thank you, Connor,” he says. “Really.”

Connor stares at him a moment then nods. “You’re welcome.”

Ryan puts the bracelet on his left wrist, and Connor smiles at him.

“I was worried you’d hate it,” Connor says, and Ryan nods.

He’s not sure why he doesn’t hate it. It does give him a weird feeling of dread like looking at a gravestone of people he doesn’t know marking the day they bonded like that. But Connor put thought into it, and if he spent anywhere near the amount of hours Ryan spent fretting over what to get him for Christmas than he’d never reject it. He runs his thumb over the leather band and thinks that these gifts and how they were given are signs that they both clearly know what matters most to each other or at least what will have the most impact on them in their relationship. They were getting to know each other. “It’s nice,” he says eventually even though that’s not what he wants to say at all.

“I hope,” Connor says cautiously and reaches out to gently touch the metal plate. “That someday you’ll really like it.”

“Maybe,” he says because it still feels like such a long way from here to there.

Mr. and Mrs. McDavid drive them to the airport after Mrs. McDavid spends like ten minutes making them double check they have everything. They get out the car at the airport drop off to hug Connor before he leaves. Ryan half expects the hug that Mrs. McDavid treats him to as well, telling him to score a goal as she does. He definitely doesn’t expect the hug Mr. McDavid gives him though it’s more in line with a careful bro hug than a fatherly one.

Connor smiles at him. “I told you they’d like you.”

“Sure,” Ryan says, feeling off balance.

“You don’t need to check you bag, now, do you?”

Ryan laughs. “No, I don’t.”

“Good.”

They fly back to Edmonton, and the next morning, bright and early for the team flight to Vancouver Ryan finds himself wishing Connor had been cleared to travel with the team.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What Brian McDavid says is based in how Brian and Kelly McDavid have talked about Connor in interviews, but also what Connor has said in more recent years in interviews. It's also just like this is what happens when you put high achieving kids in a situation where they're basically doomed to failure. How Cameron acts towards Ryan is basically completely extrapolated off that he likes Connor and has probably been around asshole hockey players before and wanting Connor to have a bond more like their father's. He doesn't get Ryan, doesn't want to, and just wants to make sure Connor's okay. 
> 
> I don't think that Ryan's family dinners growing up were like completely horrible, but with a divorce when he was young he's not going to remember if they were better early in his life. I also imagine that compared to the McDavid family that his family either didn't or couldn't prioritize family dinners together anyways. Sometimes things just hit about how your family is different from someone else's. 
> 
> The gifts are what really made writing this chapter take so long. In terms of love languages, I don't think gift giving is big for either Connor or Ryan, but that doesn't mean they don't matter. 
> 
> Anyways, I hope you liked it because next chapter Ryan's getting his hand broken and everything is going to be super angsty.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're all back to the angsting this chapter because Ryan's finally getting his hand broken. I'm a little more graphic than I was with Connor's injury so I just want to give a head's up about that. I haven't broken my hand or gone through hand surgery so I've just done my best with what was reported on Ryan's hand injury, the Canadian hospital system, and how to take care of finger breaks.

“So how’d meeting the ‘rents go?” Hallsy says, tapping Ryan’s arm as they wait to board the team plane.

“Fine,” Ryan says.

“Don’t be like that,” Ebs says, latching onto the conversation. “Come on, did you get the shovel talk? See any embarrassing baby pictures?”

“No, it was totally normal,” Ryan assures them.

“You met Davo’s parents for the first time over Christmas and stayed with them,” Hallsy points out. “None of that is normal.”

“Okay, no, that part wasn’t normal, but the rest of it was,” he insists.

“Was the bracelet from them?” Ebs asks.

“What?” Ryan asks as Hallsy picks up his wrist to examine his new bracelet.

“They couldn’t come up with anything better?” Hallsy asks, tugging on the bracelet. “It’s really not your style, doesn’t even have anything on it.”

“No, fuck off,” Ryan tells him, snatching his arm away.

“You really don’t have to wear it just because they gave it to you, you know,” Ebs says. “It’s not like they’re here to judge you about it.”

“It’s not from them.”

“Davo got you that?” Hallsy asks. “He’s got worse taste than I thought.”

“Fuck off,” Ryan tells him again, and this time they seem to get that it’s not up for discussion. They change topics, and Ryan breathes a sigh of relief.

Ryan feels exhausted going into the game against Vancouver. They lose without him even getting an assist, but at least they drag it into overtime. They lose again the next night in Calgary, but he gets two assists that time. They fly home after the game to spend the day they have before their next game at home. It’s the first time Connor looks exhausted rather than excited to see him after a trip. Hard to blame him though when they’re arriving in the middle of the night.

Connor sighs when he hugs him, resting his head on Ryan’s shoulder like he’s ready to sleep right there.

“You didn’t stay up the whole time, did you?” Ryan asks, placing a hand over the back of Connor’s neck.

“Well how else was I supposed to catch you when you got back?” he asks, sounding surprisingly whiny for him.

“You could have set an alarm for when we landed.”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment. “That would have been smarter.”

Ryan smiles. “I missed you, too,” he says, thinking that he maybe even means it outside of just the bond wearing him down.

It was more jarring than he thought it would be to be without Connor after a few days spent almost constantly in his company.

“We can sleep now right?”

“Yeah.”

They don’t do much more than change before climbing into Connor’s bed together. Ryan doesn’t even mind it too much that Connor tucks his head against his shoulder, just preemptively shoves some of the covers down.

He wakes to Connor’s alarm going off.

“Five more minutes,” Connor mumbles as he hits snooze. He sighs when the noise stops and snuggles back down into his pillows and covers. Ryan slips back into sleep as well until the alarm goes off again.

Breakfast is a quiet affair as everyone is still half asleep. Practice that afternoon is also relatively subdued, but no less difficult as they have another game coming. They lose their last two games of the year against the Kings and the Ducks, and Ryan isn’t surprised by it. Their game against the Ducks falls on the 31st so everyone on the team gets dragged to a club after because no one had the time or energy to host a team new years party.

Ryan ends up sharing a cab with Hallsy and Connor joins them when previously it might have been Ebs with them. Hallsy side eyes him a couple minutes into the ride. “Are you planning on doing something stupid?”

“No, why would you even ask that?” Ryan asks.

Hallsy holds up his hands. “Hey man, I’m just saying, I don’t want to play babysitter all night.”

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Connor insists defensively.

“Not you, you’re fine,” Hallsy says, rolling his eyes. “It’s him that needs a babysitter.”

“I do not,” Ryan insists. “I know my limits.”

“Why does he need a babysitter?” Connor asks.

Hallsy laughs. “You’ve never seen Party Nuge before so you’ve got no idea. I’m surprised he’s not going to try and keep a lid on it with you in the building.”

“I told you. I’m only going to drink a little bit tonight” Ryan insists. Connor is definitely at least part of why.

Hallsy gives him a look, but doesn’t say anything more. He also pays the driver when they get out.

“I can pay you back,” Ryan says as they enter the club behind Connor who has spotted Drat and Nurse.

“Don’t make me babysit you tonight and we’ll call it even,” Hallsy says, smiling as the guys ahead of them look back.

The club is dark and loud, but still clearly on the upper end the way everyone else is dressed with even the NHLers still all in their suits fitting right in. Ryan doesn’t know who is ordering, but champagne glasses are quickly passed around the team. There are a few rounds of sarcastic shouted comments about winning more games in the new year before they send up a collective cheers and drink. Ryan downs his glass and goes to get a real drink.

He’s long mastered the ability to get to a happy drunk place quickly and efficiently, and once he’s drunk enough to get there he separates himself from the team. He finds some women around his age to dance with, blissfully drunk enough to not worry about whether or not they recognize him or might judge his dancing. His dance partner kisses him at midnight then asks to get drinks. They get separated sometime after that, and he finds someone else to dance and drink with.

“You should take a seat,” Hallsy says, putting his hands on Ryan’s shoulders some time later. Ryan’s never been great at keeping track of time while drunk.

“Okay,” Ryan agrees easily, letting Hallsy push him off the dance floor.

“Maybe have some water, too,” he says, guiding Ryan into a seat.

Ryan nearly trips over the chair trying to sit down. “Whoops.”

He sits down and suddenly realizes how drunk he is with his head spinning. It was a bit more than he’d been planning to. Limits go about the same way as time keeping for him while drunk.

“Thanks,” he tells Hallsy when he plops down into a seat next to him.

“Yup,” Hallsy says, and Ryan laughs at him because he’s also drunk, just not as drunk as him.

“There you are,” and there’s more hands on Ryan’s shoulders.

He turns to see Connor smiling down at him. He smiles back and says, “Hey.”

“I see Hallsy found you,” he says, giving his shoulders a squeeze.

“Yup, that he did.”

“I don’t understand how you can dance so much after a game and all the drinking,” Hallsy says.

“Dancing’s fun.”

“Dance with me,” Connor says.

“Okay,” Ryan agrees, standing up a little too quickly for how drunk he is.

“I just got him to sit down,” Hallsy complains, but they both ignore him.

Connor takes his hands and guides him back to the dance floor. It’s around that time that Ryan realizes Connor is drunk as well, moving more loosely and uncoordinated than he normally would. They don’t really dance very much as they mostly just end up laughing at each other with their hands tangled together.

Schultzy finds him sometime after that, talking much too loudly even for a crowded club, “I’m heading home, coming?”

Ryan has to take a moment to think it through before he nods. “Okay.”

“Oh,” Connor says, disappointed.

“I’ll see you soon,” he says, pulling Connor into a hug. Connor squeezes him back before letting him go.

He delivers a few more goodbyes to teammates with Schultzy before they head home in a taxi.

New Year’s Day is appropriately miserable after so much drinking and poor sleep. Ryan spends the day recovering and returning Happy New Year texts. Ryan gave up on making New Year’s resolutions after his rookie year.

Lunch with Connor on the second starts off surprisingly quiet considering he’s been cleared to skate again even if it’s not with the team. Instead, Connor seems to keep sneaking glances at him.

“What?” Ryan asks him a little exasperated.

“Nothing,” Connor says, shaking his head.

Ryan raises his eyebrows at him because he doesn’t believe that.

“You’re pretty different when you’re drunk,” Connor admits. “You’ve clearly been holding back when we go out for drinks after wins.”

“I know,” Ryan says because he’s completely sober for most of those get togethers these days.

Connor gives him a look. “You stopped being stubborn as all get out for five seconds.”

Ryan shoots him a look for that.

“You were fun,” he adds after a moment. “I liked dancing with you.”

And that was the majority of Ryan’s issue with alcohol. He liked himself better drunk and so does everyone else. It’s easier. “Then why are you being so weird about it?”

Connor shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

“Okay,” he says because what else can he say.

Connor puts his chin in his hand and stares at him openly. Ryan sighs and lets him look.

“Am I boring to you?” Connor asks minutes later and completely out of the blue.

“What? Why would you ask that?”

Connor shrugs. “Some people seem to think I am.”

Ryan’s pretty sure they’ve never actually met Connor then. “And you think I’m one of them because?”

“Because I think I’m complicated because people don’t get me, and I think you’re more complicated than me.”

“I don’t think I’m more complicated than anyone else,” he says then adds. “You’re not boring.”

Connor frowns, but doesn’t say anything more.

“Now what?” Ryan asks, trying to get him to say something more.

He shakes his head. “I’m just having weird thoughts. It’s nothing.”

Connor has let him keep his silence before so he says, “Okay.”

The Oilers get a win that night and another win two days after that before returning to their standard losses.

“It really sucks that Davo’s birthday is between games where we’re gone,” Hallsy complains as they take off on the 11th for Arizona. It’s not quite their normal seating arrangement, but not bothersome enough for anyone to get annoyed over it.

“I know,” Ryan agrees, feeling bad that they’ll be separated even if Connor swore he didn’t care that much about his birthday before they left. It’s what happens when your birthday falls during the season, though, and Ryan’s certainly doesn’t fall in the Oilers’ seasons.

They don't win the first game, and Hallsy gets most of the team together to send Connor a happy birthday video. Connor says a thank you to the group chat, but sends a second one to Ryan privately. Ryan sends back that he’ll see him soon. It’s probably not a long enough separation to warrant staying with Connor, but he’ll do it anyways, especially after missing his birthday.

“I’m getting close with my shoulder,” Connor tells him after their reuniting hug. “I might travel with the team on the next road trip.”

“That’s great,” he says, matching his grin. “When do you get to start practicing with us?”

“No contact this week,” he answers.

“Aw, the baby rookie is coming back to the fold,” Hallsy says, overhearing them. “Group hug.”

He wraps his arms around both of them even though Ryan rolls his eyes. Gazzy joins in a second later, giving them all too tight of a squeeze. Later, Connor actually shows off his full range of motion on the side with the broken collar bone before they go to bed. Ryan’s range of motion is still slightly compromised in his left shoulder even after the surgery.

Connor returning to practice, even no contact, is a huge boost to the team. It’s even enough to get a win in over Calgary. Hallsy makes Connor sit with him on the plane to Florida which Ryan is fine with as he sits with Ebs. Connor wishes the team well before he heads up to the press box to watch.

The game starts with the Oilers on top. Hallsy gets a goal unassisted a few minutes into the game. Ryan’s able to follow it up with an assist to Eb’s goal at the end of the period. McClellan gives a surprisingly optimistic speech during the intermission. Ryan feels good heading into the second.

Then, Sekera takes a penalty for interference not even two minutes into the period, and Ryan goes out for the penalty kill as part of the second unit. Kulikov makes to take a low shot, and Ryan reaches down to block it, reminding himself not to keep his palm open to it. Of course the shot hits right off his skate then into his knuckles, and the pain is near blinding. He has to switch hands on his stick because he can’t do anything with his hurt hand. He makes it through his shift on gritted teeth.

Ryan uses the door to get off the ice as he doesn’t trust trying to go over the bench with a busted hand. He makes eye contact with the nearest trainer and tells him, “My hand’s busted.”

The trainer takes him at his word and motions for him to follow him down to the tunnel. He thankfully doesn’t have to take his skates off to make it to first aid as he’s not sure he can even take his glove off. The trainer tells the doctor it’s his hand then moves to return to the bench.

“Hey,” Ryan says before he goes. “Can you tell Connor? I don’t want him to freak out.”

The trainer eyes Ryan’s hand and the way he gingerly holds it even inside the glove. “Sure.”

“Can I try taking the glove off?” the doctor asks once the trainer has left, motioning for Ryan to sit on the table bed.

“Yeah,” he says, sitting down then holding his hand out. The doctor only moves the glove gingerly, and it’s enough for Ryan to hiss, “Fuck, ouch.”

“I think we’ll need to cut it off,” he says apologetically, clearly used to how weird players are about their gear.

Ryan doesn’t like it, but he does kind of need the glove off. The doctor uses scissors that would be hilariously large if the material of the gloves weren’t so thick. He still has to cut along the palm rather than the back, and it’s a little freaky to feel the cold metal move up along his palm. It takes more than one cut to get the whole thing off, and what it reveals isn’t pleasant. His finger has already started swelling and turning blue from bruising. The doctor carefully turns his palm over revealing the mess that is his knuckle. The bend in his finger looks sickening, and his knuckle is either gone or in the wrong spot.

“I don’t think that is going to heal correctly all on its own,” the doctor says with a sigh.

There’s a knock on the door when the doctor’s in the middle of examining the rest of his fingers and hand for injuries other than the obvious one. The door opens a crack, and Ryan hears, “It’s Connor. Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” Ryan calls back to him before hissing as the doctor moves one of his fingers.

“What happened? I didn’t see anything from the box. Are you okay?” Connor asks, quickly coming into the room and moving to stand beside Ryan. “Woah.”

“Yeah, pretty gnarly,” Ryan says, flinching as the doctor continues to manipulate his hand.

“It looks way worse than when I broke mine,” Connor says, staring wide eyed at Ryan’s hand.

“I’m going to put a splint on it to keep it immobilized, and you should also ice it,” the doctor says. “I’m going to recommend that you return to Edmonton so you can get surgery. I’ll also request that Mr. McDavid goes with you.”

Ryan looks to Connor and finds him looking back at him just as confused.

“It’s better not to have you separated right after an injury. You were together after he broke his collarbone if you recall,” the doctor says.

He starts in on the splint after that, and Connor actually moves around to the doctor’s other side to hold onto Ryan’s unbroken hand. Ryan’s not totally sure if Connor’s trying to comfort him or if Connor wants the contact, but he squeezes his hand anyway. It’s something to think about other than every painful movement in his broken hand.

Once his hand is splinted, the doctor wraps some ice for Ryan to hold against his injured hand as well as gives him over the counter pain medication. Ryan has to go back to the locker room to get out of his gear. Unfortunately, the period is over by the time they get there and most of the team crowds in around them.

Hallsy actually grabs him in a bear hug. “How are you feeling? What exactly did you get injured?”

“I busted my hand,” he says, carefully holding it aloft so it wouldn’t get jostled.

“Hey, we still have a period to play,” McClellan shouts to the crowd of players. “Nugent-Hopkins will live and you’ll get to see him after the game. Let him breathe.”

Everyone else starts gearing back up as Ryan starts to struggle out of his. He lost his uncut glove somewhere, but the helmet is easy to get off. It’s much more difficult after that.

“Do you want me to help?” Connor asks, stepping forward.

Ryan has to take a moment to swallow down the embarrassment. “Yeah, I think I’m going to need it.”

“What first?”

“Jersey.”

Connor helps him carefully maneuver the fabric over his bandaged hand and then off him. He can get his right elbow pad off, but Connor has to undo the velcro on the left one as well as the velcro on the left side of his shoulder pads.

“Thanks,” Ryan says. “I think I’ve got it from here.”

“Okay,” Connor says, nodding and taking a step away. He carefully looks away as Ryan finishes slowly undressing down to his baselayer.

“I think I’m going to need help getting the top off if I don’t want it cut off,” Ryan says, looking at the skin tight sleeve and wondering if it had the stretch to make it over the splint and bandaging.

Ryan gets as far as getting it off his torso and left arm before Connor steps in to try and get it off his right arm. They scrunch up and stretch out the fabric to try and get it over his hand in one go, but a seam pops, they can’t quite get it around the bandages, and Ryan quickly hisses, “Ow, ow, ow, stop, please.”

“Maybe the doctor should have gotten you undressed before bandaging you up,” Connor says, eyeing the shirt.

“Yeah, maybe, got any scissors?” he asks because he’s not going to be able to get his own without two hands.

“Yeah,” he says and comes back quickly with a pair.

Ryan silently mourns his base layer top as Connor cuts it off him. Ryan finishes undressing and getting redressed with Connor carefully positioned away from him to maintain a sense of privacy that only matters when there’s less than twenty something guys in the room. Getting suit pants buttoned one handed is much more difficult with his non-dominant hand.

“Is it too weird if I ask you to button my shirt?” Ryan asks, the difficulty and exhaustion beating out his pride. At least the pain meds were starting to kick in. The pain’s not all gone, but it’s more bearable.

“No, not when your hand’s busted,” Connor says, turning back towards him.

Connor has to undo the cufflinks on the right sleeve before Ryan can even get the shirt in place to be buttoned. Connor then quickly buttons him up, leaving the top button unbuttoned.

“Tie?” he asks.

“I think we can say fuck the tie,” he says. “I don’t think I can wear the jacket with my hand all bandaged either.”

“At least it’s Florida.”

A trainer ushers them out of the locker room after that to avoid the media. One of the guys that works for the team’s admin also joins them on their way out to the bus. He covers their flight itinerary for the following day as well as the doctor Ryan’s supposed to see once they get back to Edmonton. He emails and texts them both the information which Ryan is fine with because he’s not following closely at all. He checks over the itinerary and the information on the surgeon on the bus until the rest of the team joins him and Connor, rowdy from a win.

Word spreads quickly around the bus of how bad Ryan’s hand is and the energy subdues.

“Fuck, guys, that sucks,” Ebs says from the seat in front of them. “You’re just switching places now.”

“I know,” Ryan grumbles because he doesn’t want to talk about it. Sitting out with an injury in addition to being separated will be torture, and he does not want to talk about it.

“Are you flying back tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Connor answers. “It’s going to take pretty much all day with the layover in Chicago.”

“They didn’t need to send you to a hospital here?”

“Apparently not,” Ryan says, shifting the ice over his hand. He keeps his eyes on his hand, but he can feel them looking at him still.

Eventually, Ebs sighs and turns around in his seat. Connor leans back in his seat, and Ryan gets some quiet for the short trip back to the hotel. That night, he sleeps in fits and starts due to a combination of the over the counter pain meds having worn off and not being able to protect his hand in his sleep. He gives up trying to sleep once it gets close enough to his alarm to be worth actually getting up from the bed. His morning routine takes an incredible amount of time and dealing with frustration. At least the shoulder he’d busted had been the non-dominant one.

At breakfast, Connor sets down a new bag of ice at the table in front of Ryan. “Got this for you.”

Ryan nods because he’d only just gotten food into his mouth and places his broken hand over it. It takes a while for the cold to seep through the bandage to do him any good.

Ryan and Connor travel with the team to the airport, but from there they have to take their personal bags with them. The gear will continue on with the team while he and Connor head back to Edmonton. Even getting the plane ticket and his passport out to get past security is difficult with just one hand.  

He sits in the terminal tired with a slowly building fury at everything and the over the counter pain meds aren’t doing enough. He has to hold his hand up and still to protect the injury which just seems to put more tension and pain in his arm. He definitely has to be sending off some pretty bad vibes because no one sits near them, and Connor keeps an unusual amount of distance from him.

Ryan keeps his mouth shut when they finally board so he doesn’t snap at any of the staff. He does half consider cussing out the dude in front of him who stops suddenly in the aisle, and Ryan narrowly avoids running his broken hand right into his back.

Ryan takes the window seat, and when Connor sits down next to him he whispers, “You need to relax and stop glaring at everybody. Did you sleep at all last night?”

Ryan almost says nothing then he admits, “No.”

“Then try and sleep on the flight.”

“I can’t with my hand,” he says, raising it up. He’s been holding it so stiff and still he can practically hear the creak in his bones as he finally moves it.

Connor sighs then reaches out for Ryan’s arm. He cradles Ryan’s right hand in his left hand and aligns the insides of their arms so that Ryan’s arm rests over top of his. Then, he lowers their arms down onto the arm rest. It’s almost awkwardly high, but it does mean that Ryan won’t have to worry about his hand while he sleeps.

“I got it,” Connor insists, laying his other hand over Ryan’s wrist at the end of the bandages. “Just sleep.”

Ryan looks up from their arms to Connor’s face. He looks back stubbornly, but it’s not enough to totally cover up his worry. Some of Ryan’s anger recedes at that, feeling embarrassed and childish in making his younger bondmate worry over him.

“Okay,” he says, shifting and settling to try and sleep.

With the reduced pain and tension in his arms, he can feel his exhaustion and his eyes burning with tiredness. He doesn’t last long before falling asleep. He doesn’t wake until Connor shakes him awake for the landing. He still has Ryan’s arm and hand carefully elevated and cradled.

“Better?” Connor asks quietly.

“I guess.”

After they get off the plane, they have a couple of hours before their next flight starts boarding. They wander in the direction of their next gate looking for where to get lunch.

“Do you want to find a real restaurant or just get whatever?” Connor asks, eyeing the stores around them.

“Get whatever,” he says because he doesn’t want to sit in a crowded airport restaurant and try to eat properly with a broken hand.

“Okay,” Connor easily agrees.

They stop by a place that has sandwiches, and they’re pathetic in the way most airport sandwiches are. Ryan can eat them with one hand though. There’s a flight before theirs leaving from the same gate, and they end up with seats in the corner facing away from the screens. Ryan eats and steadfastly ignores everything around him.

“Better?” Connor asks when he gets back from throwing away the sandwich wrapper.

“Sure,” he says, dropping back down into his seat.

He actually looks at Connor then. He looks pale, and he sits rigidly in his chair. He wasn’t like that on their trip to Toronto. “You can relax,” Ryan tells him.

“You’re not,” Connor argues stubbornly.

He lifts his right hand, “I’m the one with the broken hand.”

Connor seems to get worse looking at it.

“It’s fine. I’ll see the doctor tomorrow. It’ll probably take surgery, but it’ll be fine,” he says, figuring he could probably use hearing himself saying it, too.

Connor sighs heavily. “It’s not your hand I’m worried about.”

“I’ve been injured before,” he says.

“Were you like this then too?”

Ryan tilts his head, not sure what he’s getting at. “I guess.”

“They left you alone in a hospital like this?”

Ryan has no idea what that has to do with anything. “Yeah.”

Connor scowls, and says, “They shouldn’t have done that.”

“Okay, sure,” Ryan says because he doesn’t know what Connor’s after. It’s not like he’s gonna make anyone hang out in a hospital with him, and he especially wouldn’t have done it as a rookie.

After they board their second flight, Connor reaches out for Ryan’s arm without even asking. Just tucks it alongside his again, resting it between them. Ryan doesn’t think he could sleep again even on his hockey season messed up sleep schedule. He could pull his arm away, but he doesn’t. He struggles to get his earbuds connected to his phone and then into his ears instead so he can listen to music during the flight. He notices Connor’s movements now that he isn’t asleep. Connor shifts their arms every so often, probably for his own comfort, but he also traces along the edges of the bandages with his free hand as if he needs to check that nothing’s changed about Ryan’s hand.

Eventually, Ryan turns his hand and since his thumb is still free, uses it trap Connor’s fingertips. Connor looks up, shocked, like he thought Ryan wouldn’t notice him messing around his broken hand. It didn’t hurt, but he’d prefer to be able to ignore his hand for the time being.

“Messing with it won’t help any,” Ryan tells him.

Connor pulls his hand from Ryan’s grasp and reaches up to tug out his earbud. “I’m not messing with it.”

Ryan raises his eyebrows at him. Connor doesn’t answer, just takes the earbud he’d stolen from Ryan and tucks it into his own ear. After a few minutes of listening Connor then adds, “You have shit taste in music.”

“I can take my earbud back if you don’t like it so much.”

Connor doesn’t say anything else.

They land in Edmonton, and Ryan hopes like hell they don’t get recognized by anybody. They make it through the airport to the line for taxis, and he doesn’t think he’s been more relieved in his life ever. He’s exhausted, hurting, and hungry and doesn’t want any fans to see him like this.

“What now?” Connor asks when they’re in line. “Do you want me to come back with you?”

Ryan opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Is it right to say no? Ryan hadn’t gone home with Connor after his injury. They haven’t even been separated. There’s no reason for Connor to come with him. Schultzy is still with the team and Sophie with her sitters. “I just want to get home.”

It’s not an answer, but Connor nods like it is. Connor gets into the taxi with him, gives him the address to Ryan’s house which Ryan hadn’t known he’d remembered.

“Do you have any food at your place?” Connor asks which is reasonable because it’s dinner time.

“I don’t know.”

“I’m going to order pizza,” he decides and pulls out his phone. He also remembers the no olives on Ryan’s veggie pizza when he makes the order.

It works out perfectly with the pizza arriving soon after they do. Connor shoos him away and goes to answer the door as well as pay for the food. They eat quietly together, and Ryan is ready to pass out right there.

“Better?” Connor asks.

“I need to sleep,” he says, wondering if Connor will take it as a cue to leave.

“Then you should sleep,” he says, and doesn’t leave.

Ryan gets ready for bed as best he can with a busted hand. He leaves off putting on a shirt to sleep in as he doesn’t want to deal with getting around his bandages. Connor gets ready after him even though it’s still earlier than would be normal to sleep.

“You don’t have to sleep with me,” Ryan says, feeling anxious and uncomfortable now that it’ll be his bed and not Connor’s or a guest room’s that they sleep in. It’s crossing far too many lines. They haven’t even been separated at all.

“I know,” Connor says cautiously. “I can sleep in the guest room. Do you want me to?”

“Don’t ask me that,” Ryan says because he has no idea what he wants regarding Connor. All that matters to him at the moment is that he sleeps in his own bed. He gets in and leaves it to Connor to figure out what to do.

Connor sighs quietly and climbs into bed with him. He’s careful not to touch Ryan while remaining close. Ryan sighs and rolls onto his side and tries to fall asleep.

Some indeterminable amount of time later, Ryan even thinks he was asleep for much of it, Connor curls up around him and spooning him. Some of what woke him must be due to the lack of shirt as Connor’s wearing only a t-shirt and so it’s a lot of skin to skin contact, far more than Ryan is used to. Most of it is how tightly Connor holds him. Ryan can feel him pressing his face against his shoulder, and he doesn’t know why.

“Connor?” he mumbles out sleepily.

“Sorry,” he says, and his voice sounds tight. He doesn’t let Ryan go or even loosen his hold.

Ryan puts his good hand over Connor’s and tucks his hand into a more comfortable position rather than removing it. He still doesn’t like spooning, but he can make an exception for whatever this is. He curls up tighter, unintentionally pressing his back against Connor’s chest. He hears Connor sigh and can feel his breath on his skin.

“Sleep,” Connor tells him, and he does.

He wakes to his alarm going off and Connor still curled up around him. Connor barely releases him enough to reach his phone and shut off his alarm.

“Gonna let me go now?” Ryan asks.

Connor props himself up on his elbows. “I can make breakfast?”

“Can you?”

Connor huffs. “Sounds like you’re feeling better, and I can make scrambled eggs.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know.”

“Only if you want to.”

“Do you ever want anything?”

Ryan shrugs. “Sure.”

Connor frowns at him.

“Like an unbroken hand would be great right now,” Ryan adds.

That doesn’t seem to help any as Connor looks away. “I’m going to go make breakfast.”

Ryan decides to save Connor the embarrassment of having someone watch him cook and save himself the embarrassment of having someone watch him fuck up basic tasks in his morning routine. He at least doesn’t injure himself though he has to wear his largest t-shirt and sweatshirt to get something over his bandages without any pain.

“I’m surprised the smoke alarm hasn’t gone off,” Ryan teases when he makes it down to the kitchen to find Connor finishing serving the scrambled eggs.

“I’m being so nice to you,” he says, not looking up from his work. “I don’t deserve this.”

“No, you don’t,” Ryan says. “I’m sorry.”

Connor looks up at him. “I was joking. It was a reasonable concern.”

“I’ve also been a total grump and an asshole for like the past day and a half or whatever.”

“You weren’t an asshole,” Connor says, putting the empty skillet back onto the stove. “You were injured.”

“You weren’t that bad to me when you broke your collarbone,” Ryan argues.

Connor stares at him like he isn’t sure what to say. Eventually, he just sets the plates and forks out instead of answering. Ryan isn’t sure if he should press it so he also says nothing.

Ryan hands his keys over to Connor to drive them to the hospital even if he hates it. He doesn’t trust himself to drive with his dominant hand down. He’s still nervous for most of the ride.

Ryan’s checked in quickly, and no one gives a second glance to Connor coming along with him. A nurse sees him first to take his bandages off to be able to reexamine his hand and take x-rays to get a better look at the break. The nurse unwinds the bandages carefully and quickly before throwing the splint away.

“It’s not the worst I’ve seen,” she says.

Ryan feels nauseous looking at it again. It was easier to forget his knuckle was basically obliterated with gauze covering it. It was also easier to not see how swollen it had gotten.

“Really?” Connor asks. “It looks worse than it did before.”

The coloring of the bruising has really set in to be rather gruesome. Ryan glances over to Connor to see him staring at his hand and looking pretty pale.   

“It’s concentrated on the one finger and it’s not completely in the wrong direction,” she says, continuing to examine his hand. “All in all, not that bad. Ready for x-rays?”

“Yeah,” he answers.

Connor stays in the examination room while Ryan follows the nurse to get his hand x-rayed. The whole process doesn’t take very long. Only a few minutes then he’s back in the exam room with the nurse telling him the doctor would be by with the x-rays to discuss what would happen next.

Ryan feels weirdly exposed without the splint protecting his hand, and he keeps his hand carefully on his thigh and willing himself to just not move his fingers.

“Stop looking at it,” Connor says. “It doesn’t freak you out?”

“It absolutely freaks me out that’s why I can’t not look at it.”

They fall back to silence which is unexpectedly broken by a knock on the door as it opens. The noise startles Ryan into looking up and trying to curl his hand which is immediately painful. He flinches and grabs his broken hand with his good one.

“Sorry,” the doctor says, “Didn’t mean to startle you. I hear you’re in the market for a hand surgeon.”

Ryan nods and listens as the doctor explains the x-rays and the damage he sees. He explains that Ryan’s finger will have to be realigned for his knuckle and screws used to keep it all together. Ryan agrees to the surgery because his hand won’t be getting fixed on its own. It helps that the doctor’s record had been sent along by the team’s admin guy who had gotten their flights. The surgeon’s worked with athletes’ hands before. They leave with instructions for his surgery the following day and to expect to stay in the hospital for at least another day afterwards.

“I guess it’s your turn to talk to Dr. Reid on you own,” Ryan tells Connor.

“I think we also have to reschedule with Ebs and Lauren.”

“You think I won’t be out of the hospital by the 24th?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” he says with a shrug. “Do you want me to drive you tomorrow for your surgery?”

“You don’t have to. I know how to call a cab,” he says.

“Oh my god,” Connor says, turning on him. “Just tell me what you want. I won’t be upset if you want to just be alone for a bit, but you have to tell me something.”

Ryan shrinks back from him. “I did,” he says though he knows it’s weak.

Connor makes an aggravated noise then starts power walking out to the car. Ryan follows cautiously behind him. He can tell that Connor is waiting to get into a more private space before he says anything more. Ryan takes a deep breath before getting back into the car with him and shutting the door. Tellingly, Connor doesn’t start up the car after that.

“I think the only thing you’ve been able to definitively tell me you wanted in the past day and a half is what you wanted for lunch,” Connor says. “Seriously, I think that’s it.”

“Is it that big a deal?”

“Is it that big a deal,” Connor repeats but with a much sharper and distressed edge to it. “It is the entire deal! Fuck, Ryan, I can’t tell if I’m even helping you or not and you’re really messed up right now.”

“It’s not that bad. I’ve dealt with injuries before,” he says.

Connor stares at him like he’s lost his mind. “Not that bad? It’s been terrible watching you be like this since you got hurt.”

Ryan’s been far worse than this, but he doesn’t think that that information will help him in this case.  

“Can you please just tell me one thing that you want, anything. Do you want me to spend the afternoon with you? The night? Do you want to see me tomorrow at all, before or after the surgery? Do you even want me to drive you home right now? I don’t have any idea,” he says, twisting in his seat to face him.

It’s a lot of questions, and Ryan doesn’t have any answers to them. He mumbles out, “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? It’s not that complicated. You either want it or you don’t.”

“It is that complicated. It’s always complicated,” Ryan says feeling sick. He can’t deal with all this bond bullshit on top of his injury.

“How? In what way is this complicated?”

“I’ve told you.”

“What have you told me? You haven’t explained shit!”

“You’re not my friend, Connor!” Ryan snaps at him, so goddamn angry.

Connor stares at him in shock.

“No matter what I think or feel or say or do, you’re my fucking bondmate, no matter how much I hate it. Everything we do is in the context of the bond so yes, everything is complicated. Saying that it’s just us or that every time we meet isn’t life or death, it helped, okay? For a while, but not for this, not for all of it,” Ryan glares at Connor and just doesn’t understand. “How can you even trust what you actually want with the bond?”

“What are you talking about? The bond doesn’t just make feelings,” he argues. “It is us, and it’s only us.”

“Fucking really? It doesn’t? How come leaving you is so shitty then? You think that shit isn’t changing how we think about each other? Isn’t conditioning us to want to be around one another?”

“No, that’s not how it works,” Connor insists. “It’s not like it wouldn’t be happening if there wasn’t already something between us to make us get bonded.”

“Something between us?” he asks and laughs and thinks he’s really losing it over this bonding bullshit, like that wasn’t how it was always going to go down for him. “There wasn’t anything between us. I was just happy you scored a goal, and that’s it.”

“I could have bonded with anyone in that arena if that’s all it took.”

Ryan glares at him, jaw clenched tight. “Of course because it can’t pick the worst possible fucking person at random. You know, what? I want to go home, and I want you to leave, and I don’t want to see you at all tomorrow. I want to forget you exist. There. I know what I want.”

Ryan’s angry enough that it almost doesn’t hurt that for the split second Connor looks horrified and hurt before he turns to start up the car. Ryan glares out the window as the car fills with tense silence. Ryan’s hand throbs in time with his pulse and he thinks he must have moved it while they were arguing despite it being back in a splint. He tells himself that he doesn’t care when Connor doesn’t even try to come into the house to call a cab or an uber, just walking off down the street and leaving like Ryan told him to. He spends the rest of the day restless, angry, and useless, not even sure enough of himself to try and pick up Sophie. He’ll be spending two days at least in the hospital anyways.  

In the morning, Ryan gets a cab ride to the hospital. They check him in and no one questions Connor’s absence anymore than they’d questioned his presence the day before. He’s prepped for surgery, and they don’t put him under general anesthesia for it. He steadfastly keeps his head turned the other way and tries not to listen to what they’re doing to his hand.

He’s returned to his room after that, and then he’s just alone in a hospital again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, Canadian hospitals are less likely to use general anesthesia than American ones so I imagine they wouldn't put someone under for a hand surgery compared to a collarbone surgery. Ryan in an interview did say that his knuckle was knocked out of place and screws put in. I have no idea what that really means in terms of his injury or his surgery so I really just did my best. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed all the suffering I guess. I promise it gets better next chapter.


End file.
